AIBU to have said nothing about this incident. Not world shattering just well, rude.

[lolaisafuckertoo]

At a new school. Haven't made many if any friends. But on nodding status with a few folk who have kids in my dd's year.
Dropped DD to school other morning. went for a coffee in Starbucks sat down. Opposite me is one of the other mums who turned her chair round offering me her back. Some others arrive, start pulling chairs and tables together, took the one beside me. At one point one of them is as close as a few inches....no eye contact, not a hello....nothing, just getting together as many chairs as poss creating a ring of steel.

I sat for about another half an hour, joining in the pretending that nothing was happening before leaving with as much dignity as I could find eventually bursting into tears in the car park.

Should I have leaned over and said something or would I have achieved absolutely nothing. I am still bewildered by my own behavior and theirs

[Nanny0gg]

Well I think it was monumentally rude and unkind.

But then I live in a village and we actually greet each other even if we don't know each other.

And how do you know someone's got nothing in common with you if you've never spoken to them?

Did you not notice the part where the OP said she didn't know many people? Maybe she'd actually like to get to know someone?

[BackforGood]

What coffeetea said, and also SaucyJack

If you wanted to go for a coffee with someone, then presumably you'd have asked someone to go with you ?

If I saw someone sitting on their own in a caff, if I were on my own I might ask if I could join them or if they preferred their own company or were waiting for someone, but if I were in there to meet a gaggle of other people, I wouldn't try to join the person on their own, I'd assume they wanted 10mins peace, not to have their space intruded by 10 or so people they didn't know.

I know loads of people. People I would nod at / smile at, but it doesn't mean I would invite them for a coffee.
I think it strange that you would expect to be invited out with people just because your dc go to school together.

[Nanny0gg]

If you wanted to go for a coffee with someone, then presumably you'd have asked someone to go with you ?

Yes, if she knew someone.

But she doesn't. That's the whole point!

[HotXBunnies]

Mind you I can be an awkward cuss and if blanked that would make me approach the person and speak slowly and directly, like they were a wee bitty simple

Howcontrary - I am visually impaired, I often blank people. I am losing my vision, not my intelligence.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Coffeetea - there is a huge difference between not welcoming someone into your group of friends, and being deliberately rude and offensive towards someone you know from the school gates. Even if you don't want to invite the other mum to join your group (which is fair enough), why is it OK to be so obviously and deliberately nasty?

[allhailqueenmab]

I moved to a new town about two and a half years ago and at first things like this really used to get to me. I placed too much importance on them because I wasnt working and wasnt able to get out much and see my old friends either (small baby), so I felt I needed the community to fill a gap. I wanted to make friends; they didn't care.

Things that helped were realising (I knew this really) but: it is never personal: people are far more often lazy than nasty; some people really don't know how to deal with new people and can't be bothered trying; but finally the thing that really helped was realising that it takes ages to fit in, in some new places, but when you do, it has suddenly just happened and you have become one of the people that other people expect to see and say hello to.

I went back to work and my baby grew up a bit so I stopped caring. I also realised that I have never been, and will never be, the person at the core of any alpha groups. I tend to gather many low-maintenance acquaintances and a few very good friends, in most contexts. This is no different here; it took longer than I thought to get the low maintenance acquaintances, though.

I think that probably what happened in that situation was a perfect storm of various factors: some didn't recognise you; some don't deal with new people well; you didn't say hello; as perhaps some people did gradually realise they had seen you, they didn't know how to break out of the circle, or if you wanted them to. It doesn't mean anything though. It doesn't mean they don't like you, or that it will happen again. Next time it is less likely to happen again because anyone who realised what had happened and felt bad about it will engineer a way of talking to you - if you give them a chance.

I have read on here lots of times that toddlers need to be offered a new food 7 times, or 17 times, or 71 times or something, before they will try it. I think this what happens in small towns. The more conservative people will need to see you 7 times before they say hello. the first 6 may feel like a terrible rejection but it doesn't mean anything. It is just part of the process of becoming part of the furniture.

[Legologgo]

its probably some christian prayer group you are WELL OUT OF

[Yambabe]

I kind of agree with Coffeetea.

These people are not your friends, you may have exchanged a few words in the playground but you don't know names, and the one(s?) who recognised you nodded to you so you were not completely blanked.

Why would you expect to be invited to join a random group of strangers to you who are established friends with each other? Why would you want to?

I think you are overthinking what happened. I doubt most of them even recognised you, and the ones that did proably just saw a vaguely familiar face.

Get to know some other people (or mums if you like but I always found the playground mums to be a cliquey bunch when my kids were little) and get on with your life. It's too short to let stuff like this stress you out!

[Yambabe]

*probably

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Like I said - it's fine if they don't want to invite another person into the group - but why is it OK for them to be so actively,deliberately and obviously nasty about it, Yambabe?

[Yambabe]

I'm not seeing any active deliberate nastiness, maybe we have differing perspectives? Nastiness would be obvious whispering and glances at the OP, or seeing she was there and getting up and leaving.

All they did was sit together for coffees?

[YellowDinosaur]

What about this bit yambabe?

Opposite me is one of the other mums who turned her chair round offering me her back

[BoomBoomsCousin]

I know it feels like they snubbed you, it's possible they did, there are some people who like exclusive groups, and I know when you're the one on your own you think everyone in the big group must be confident and making a deliberate effort to ignore you. But often groups are made up of lots of people who are all a little bit less confident than you, for the outside, assume.

I know this because I have done lots of "networking" groups for my profession and it happens time and time again that I notice someone on the edge looking in who hasn't been before and there will be several people who come often who effectively snub them. But I know these people and it isn't becasue they don't want that other person to join in. It's because they are really not good in soical situations and it takes them all their bravery and effort to turn up to the big group and talk to people who approach them frst or who they've talked to 20 times already. And they often think of themselves as guests in the group, not entitled to take positive action like invite in others.

It could be that the first few people just didn't have the wherewithal themselves to ask you to join them, or thought if you were interested you'd already be a part of the gorup (they probably aren't use to thinking of "new" people joining at this stage). And once a more socially confident person arrived, she just assumed someone had spoken to you and you'd wanted to be on your own.

If you'd like to be a part of that group, next time you see the "leader" you could say something along the lines of - "Do you often meet up in Starbucks? Is it something any parent can come along to?" and see what she says. But you do have to be prepared for rejection - because they may be rude and excusive, or have a specific purpose to their meetings. So practice what you'd do so you don't feel like it's such a bad thing if that happens. Because it isn't such a bad thing. You have nothing real to lose. If they don't want you they aren't nice enough to want to be with.

[CoffeeTea103]

I also cannot see what was rude about the other women. So what if the woman turned her back or gathered a few tables. She is not their friend so what do they owe her.
For someone who is trying to want their attention, then that might seem as extreme rude behaviour, but I'm sure they didn't go out of their way to intentionally do this to the op.

[rockybalboa]

It's just fecking rude but there would have been no point in saying anything to them with their heads that far up their own arses. Two mums from DS's school go to an exercise class I go to. I see them probably 3 - 4 times a week in the playground and they haven't even acknowledged me there or in the class. I gave up trying to make eye contact to give a friendly smile after a while and I'm not the type to barge in with a 'oh hello, I've seen you at school' conversation starter. Neither has kids in DS's class though.

[BackforGood]

I read that turning chair bit as the OP putting an interpretation on something, because she's upset.
It could be (we'll never know unless one of us was the other woman) that she was sat at a table, knowing a dozen others were going to join her, and a stranger (she might not have recognised the OP) sat quite near, so she suddenly though, 'hang on, I'd better arrange some seats so we can all sit together when the others get here, and are not intruding on this lady's personal space but surrounding her / crowding her'

As Yambabe said, I don't understand why anyone would expect to be invited into an established friendship group, just because they happened to have a child in the same class. That's not to say some of the Mums might not, in time, become friends with OP, but there's a lot of people who aren't out to find new mates in their child's playground.
If the OP is then she needs to take the initiative and invite one or two people for a coffee (or wherever), and, if she likes, start by saying she doesn't know anyone yet and was wondering if anyone wanted to go for a coffee, when chatting to people.

[WorraLiberty]

The OP still hasn't said whether or not she said hello/tried to initiate any conversation with them

[Bue]

Without having seen what happened, it's difficult to say if anything rude happened here. It does seem as if the OP may be projecting onto a situation that is completely normal. The language - "creating a ring of steel" etc. seems a bit charged.

[BrianTheMole]

I think its rude. I wouldn't dream of treating a new parent like that. Treat others as you want to be treated yourself.

[Comeatmefam]

Agree with others - very sorry for you and understand your feelings totally. But

a) They really probably didn't recognise you.
b) If they did, your perception of them snubbing you and turning their backs on you is ithem just not noticing, going about their business (and yes being thoughtless since you're new). I've said this on so many threads, it is very very rarely the mythical 'bunch of bitches' or being 'deliberately excluded' but just friends meeting up and not really even noticing anyone they're not meeting.
c) Next time I would bite the bullet, take a deep breath and just lean over and say 'hello I'm X's mum - have I met you all?'. I guarantee one or all will be receptive and friendly.

[shewhowines]

I would feel like you, but you didn't speak to the first woman either. Perhaps she thought you were rude so she turned her back on you? Six of one, half a dozen of the other? Perhaps their conversation went along the lines of "cant believe lola didn't even acknowledge me/us"

Whatever, I don't think you should say something though. Just carry on normally with them. A breezy hello etc next time you see them.
It would be really embarrassing unless you approach it "sorry I hope you didn't think I was ignoring you all the other day. I had a lot on my mind" Then depending upon their reaction you could admit you were shy /upset at them ignoring you. Only admit that though if they seem ok. Don't let them see you upset about it, if they don't seem concerned about you having a lot on your mind.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

See - I would see the back-turning as a deliberate exclusion of me, and would be very hurt by it. But I know I am prone to taking things far too personally.

I would have smiled and said hello to the OP, because I know how difficult it is to be the newbie, and how much a little bit of friendliness means.

[Yambabe]

"Opposite me is one of the other mums who turned her chair round offering me her back"

The recognition may not have been mutual. I have often sat with my back to strangers in social situations, why would I do otherwise?