AIBU to have said nothing about this incident. Not world shattering just well, rude.

[lolaisafuckertoo]

At a new school. Haven't made many if any friends. But on nodding status with a few folk who have kids in my dd's year.
Dropped DD to school other morning. went for a coffee in Starbucks sat down. Opposite me is one of the other mums who turned her chair round offering me her back. Some others arrive, start pulling chairs and tables together, took the one beside me. At one point one of them is as close as a few inches....no eye contact, not a hello....nothing, just getting together as many chairs as poss creating a ring of steel.

I sat for about another half an hour, joining in the pretending that nothing was happening before leaving with as much dignity as I could find eventually bursting into tears in the car park.

Should I have leaned over and said something or would I have achieved absolutely nothing. I am still bewildered by my own behavior and theirs

[andsmile]

I think it was rude of them to not say hello at least if they recognised you.

I think you showed good manners by not intruding, I was always taught it polite to wait to be invited. I see you did initiate eye contact. Its that split second of going to say hello and someone turing away...

I had an upsetting experience with the school gate thing. I have come home and busrt into tears. I really feel for you, I think it is heightened as at this point in time, being new to an area, it becomes more important and therefore hurtful.

I agree with what some others have said about some people being a slow burn so to speak. Do you take you DC to any clubs out of school, often there is more time to stand and chat as opposed to school run when its in and out. If you do want to pursue school mums I suggest you get there early and take time to watch.

FWIW when my youngest starts reception I will NOT be getting into a quiche. I will be waiting and watching, very guarded to see which people actually turn out to be genuinely friendly nice people...and dont have horrible kids!

[LaurieFairyCake]

And because they are your feelings you need to take responsibility for them and realise that your irrational thoughts about their behaviour are there for a reason - do something self esteem able, make more friends, in essence try to feel better about yourself.

[Comeatmefam]

I'm confident not I'm confident!!!!!!

[ShinyTurd]

I find some school mum's a lot like work colleagues. E.g. you could have been talking to them happily about something just 10 minutes before but as soon as they see you in a situation they don't have to talk to you, they won't even acknowledge you. Perhaps it's something like that, not nice though.

[lolaisafuckertoo]

Enjoying I wasn't bitching, sniping or anything else, simply stumped by lack of courtesty. I didn't want to join their bookclub/prayer group/selfhelp group or any of the rest or even be asked.

My issue is that there was a deliberate lack of courtesy. Not malice, not grevjious bodily harm, downright bad manners and I did make efforts to say hello etc.

I am in a new country as well as a new town, perhaps these circumstances can make these things appear larger. none the less it was rudeness.

[andsmile]

Laurie I dont think they are irrational. If you saw a group of people who you would want to be included in. People who you have previously spoke to. A group (any group) that reminds you, you are new to the area without friends....then yes * you may feel a sense of rejection, exasperation of loneliness, hurt and well down.

But I agree that you cant just put it down to malice...as this implys some premeditated thought...more just like OP said rudeness,

If it helps OP search school gate threads and see how much of this has happened to others to gain some perspective. This helped me in my time of wobbles.

[lolaisafuckertoo]

Responsibility for my feelings? IN what way? Agree with your opinion that I lack self esteem or do not have enough insight to recognize perfectly normal behavior when I see it? And by not doing so I am irrational?

[Nanny0gg]

And worra sitting and chatting to people who have welcomed you and asked you to join them is very different to going up to a big group of friends and asking to join in. Surely that's not difficult to understand?

Absolutely.

[AllMimsyWereTheBorogroves]

Lola, if you've moved to the south of England from Scotland or Ireland I think there will be cultural factors as well. It remains astonishing to me how reluctant the average Londoner is to make eye contact even with people they have seen around lots of times and I've lived here for 35 years. Not what I grew up with in Scotland and Yorkshire.

[Nanny0gg]

LaurieFairyCake

Not all of us think the OP's feelings are irrational.

Some of us would have felt exactly the same.

do something self esteem able, make more friends, in essence try to feel better about yourself

Glib. Just glib. If it were that easy the OP (and others) would do it.

[HarrietSchulenberg]

OP, what do you want us to say? "Poor you, those women were vile"?
Maybe they were rude, I wasn't there so can only picture the scene you originally painted, which didn't seem too bad. If you said "hello" and they deliberately blanked you and turned their chairs round then yes, that was very rude. And in that scenario I wouldn't worry any more about it: they are clearly not good people to know and you are better off in your own company.
If you really want to make friends then forget the schoolgates, where the only you have in common with the adults there is that you've given birth, and try to join a club where you can meet people with similar interests. The library is usually a good place to find out about stuff like that.

[lolaisafuckertoo]

Nah. I am in America, all ex pat types.
we did the London to Ireland reverse journey when we were kids, people were always ready to say hello. Lived in various other countries but this is really my first encounter with rock solid rude. I have lived in London too for 14 years and been at two separate school gates. I understand the rules but in general find that hello isn't hard, doesn't ean you want to plonk yourself in the middle of an established group. it just means hello.

[lolaisafuckertoo]

I have been able to sort myself out in a variety of different situations. This is not the first time I have had to settle in to a new place, new faces, new culture.
It is the first time I have experienced this sort of behavior and as the advice of others is to remain dignified. Though what I want to do is not dignified and they are obviously not nice people.

[Enjoyingmycoffee]

You have misunderstood me OP. I was meaning that I doubt the women were bitching or sniping or were even aware you were really there (if the extent of your interaction with others is to nod to people).

So, YOU have moved to a new town and new country. That's big, that really is. So the onus really is on you to make the first moves.

I moved towns. I had an established set of friends in London, and I missed them dearly. In the new town, I new that many people would also have established friendships, so a 'nod' was going to cut the mustard. I had to start conversations.

In the scenario you outline, I would have smiled and left it at that. That was a pre arranged gathering. As I said earlier, could have been to discuss something personal amongst the group.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

"OP, what do you want us to say? "Poor you, those women were vile"?"

Of course not. Heaven forbid that you might try to find a little sympathy for the OP.

[oldgrandmama]

Bloody hell, poor OP. Sounds like the morning meeting of the local witches'/bitches' coven! Un-bloody-believably rude. Come and live in Islington - we're all lovely here ... and yes, before I moved here, people said 'ooooh, North London ... [pursed lips] people are SO unfriendly and horrible ...' Utter rubbish.

I think you were just unlucky, and those women were just unpleasant, rude people.

[Enjoyingmycoffee]

OP! I am curious. You ask were you unreasonable not to have said something.

What on earth could you possibly have said?

The very fact that you are pissed off by the fact that a group of woman have got together for a coffee and not invited you or smiled at you, when you admit that all you have done is nod to a few people, is a good indication as to why you find yourself in this position.

[SirChenjin]

I've maybe missed this bit - sorry - but are these parents of children in your class? Do they know you are new to the area?

If yes to both, then I think they are bloody rude for not saying "hello, you're new aren't you, how is your DC settling in, would you like to join us" or something along those lines - which is what I've done in the past when I've been aware of a newbie.

Otoh, if they don't know you're new then I can see it might be easy to just be focused on catching up with their friends - perhaps they don't get a chance to that often - and they haven't really registered the fact that you are still feeling a bit lonely.

[WandaDoff]

I think the woman who made eye contact with you then turned her back & didn't reply to your greeting was rude, not so sure about the others.

Most of the time people are too preoccupied with their own thoughts & whatever's going at at the time to even notice someone else struggling.

I doubt most of them even noticed you, even if you were sat feeling like a lemon.
I wouldn't take it as a huge snub though, because it most probably wasn't meant that way.

[andsmile]

OP same, here when it happended to me, neve come across it before.

I think aswell, you get to a certain stage (or age) in life, with accumulated life exeperiences and expectations that when you do come across this scenario it can take the wind out of your sales.

I would be dignified and just say morning/hello etc. Someone will come forward in time and offer a social olive branch..

If you know the 'rules' then remind yourself that not everyone else is happy in their little groups or standing on their own...

[hiddenhome]

I think that perhaps you're being a bit precious. These people might have wanted some private time with others that they know.

Sometimes people don't live up to expectations and you can't look to others to meet your needs. These people are just strangers who happen to have kids at the same school as yours.

[lolaisafuckertoo]

Enjoying please go back and read some of my posts on making friends in new places. I have form for it. I have done it many times. I do understand it takes more than a nod.
The situation I was in was as follows;
I know these people to see,
I see them regularly
I think these coditions are not unreasonable to expect hello, acknowlegeent.
If you wish to continue thinking I am an unreasonable odd ball, please do. But I can assure that is not the case.
My gripe is about lack of manners. Not gate crashing a party/get together/intimate moments.
Please do understand the circumstances before you berate me for being the author of my own disaster.

[hiddenhome]

It is lack of manners, but why do you care enough to cry afterwards? They're effectively strangers, just because you see them regularly doesn't mean that they're obliged to include you. They could have acknowledged you a bit more, but perhaps they'd have felt obliged to then include you in their coffee time.

[complexnumber]

I am really hopeless at recognising faces, especially out of 'context'. I might recognise a parent within the school buildings, but not 50yds away in a coffee shop.

[complexnumber]

Sorry if I have not acknowledged previous posts