To keep quiet about boss' "colourful" history even though it's biting ME in the bum? (Long)

[NorthernLassie247]

This is a weird one and have NC for this as don't want it to out me...
We have a new boss, started a few months ago. There are 9 in our department, and 6 of us regularly went out socialising, the other 3 don't really like going out much but we are all friendly at work so no issues there at all.

Anyway it turns out I know new boss quite well and have done for years...always been in same "circle" of friends, got on well but never that close. She always seemed nice but a total man-eater so I didn't really want to become associated with going on "man-hunts" etc with her.

So this year she starts work with us and although I was dubious she has turned out to be amazing, really talented, we are so happy at work because of her. In the meantime she found a bloke last yr and settled down and is no longer seen going home with a different man every night. All good so far.

However since she started I've found myself being invited to absolutely no social events this year. I've found out on Facebook they've all gone out without me (I know, I hate Facebook too!) and a few weeks ago there seemed to be a lot of secrecy about something and it turns out she had a massive party for her 40th and not only did she not invite me, she invited everyone else and told them not to tell me about the party. I still get on with everyone else exactly the same as I did before she came so I don't know what's going on there.

I decided the other day to ask one of my closer friends in the dept about it and she said that basically our boss had made a decision not to invite me to anything as she still felt bad at not being invited to my wedding five years ago, and literally everyone else was invited so she was really upset. Which sounds fair enough. Except...the reason we specifically did not invite her was that her behaviour at that point had been getting worse and worse, and at the previous wedding she'd attempted to sexually assault one of DH's best friends, who, although he managed to fight her off, was deeply upset about it and begged us not to invite her to ours. As he was one of DH's ushers, he took priority and we didn't invite my now boss.

I'm pretty sure that in her head, she didn't class it as assault and just saw it as her one failed conquest at that time but she really took it way too far and he was so scared and upset afterwards so it was a really big thing for him whereas it was a drunken moment for her that turned out to he a bit awkward because he didn't want to have sex with her.

So...all my friends at work are thinking that I'm getting my "just desserts" for being so rude and not inviting her years ago, as does my boss (as the incident is so insignificant to her)...and I think that's not fair that I'm losing out because of something she did wrong. But obviously I don't want to blab about her assaulting someone as that's an awful thing to say and could land me in real trouble at work as well (even though it's true!)

All the department are wanting to heal this rift and make the boss invite me out to things again as they are fed up of the secrecy. AIBU to kind of hint at a falling-out of mutual friends and having to make a choice about the wedding guests to protect her or do I tactfully say something about a drunken moment that went too far? I just have no idea what to say to explain myself and I don't want to make up a lie about it - please help!

These things never end up well. I'd be actively looking for another job; it's not worth fighting.

melonade try reading that back again but switch male and female. I bet it rings true then?!

Melonade yes it definitely happened. She didn't choose the most private of places at the wedding and a couple of DH's friends walked in on it so it definitely did happen. She had cornered him, was kissing him and trying to undress him whilst grabbing and groping him, when he was trying to get her off him she kept scratching him.

And yes it is just work things, no-one else invited, just the department. With regard to her lifestyle I never said anything about it so she wouldn't have known how I felt.

Believe me, I've been thinking about this and wondering if it's really as it seems it is and unfortunately the whole thing is true. I really wish I was over-reacting but I'm not.

And I think you need to re-read your last paragraph...you seem to imply that someone who sleeps with a lot of people and/or sexually assaults someone should not be capable of holding down a job and relationships...well unfortunately that's just not true nowadays. People can have very different characters and personalities in and out of work. That's how so many abusers slip under the radar.

Oh and melonade this was the only time she assaulted someone, all the other times the men she targeted were happy to go along with her wishes so she never got violent with them.

The man never reported it because of this fact, he was thinking who would believe him as she had no track record? And I think it's different for men, he was mortified about it :(

Regardless of how upset the boss is about not being invited to the wedding, you just can't do this sort of thing when you're a boss. A team is a team is a team: you have to invite everyone.

And I think the rest of your colleagues are behaving pretty scummily, OP. The fact that they are colluding in this when they have been your friends and colleagues for so long suggests they are nasty and cowardly.

Has she got something over the rest of the team that they are colluding in keeping Op out of things??

Is Work Wendy still on probation? If so I would be having a word with HR ASAP. You never know she may be the dept best mate but the senior team will still be assessing her suitability. Hopefully you can help prevent her passing probation.

I recently had a Work Wendy problem but she played all of her cards too early and apparently won't be staying on past April. HR could probably see the organisation would end up involved in some sort of tribunal if she'd stayed much longer. I'm just waiting for total confirmation but I did have a big glass of Prosecco last night to celebrate her almost certain departure. I'd already updated my LinkedIn profile ready to look for new jobs. The stress was beginning to make me ill.

Taking these sorts of things to HR could end up very badly, not only could you very likely find they do nothing useful, you could also find your boss finds out what you did and makes your life even worse, and then screws up any chance you have of getting a suitable reference to get a new job.

Life isn't fair and idealistic "the law/HR department will make it all go away" advice is misguided at best. Get a new job.

Reading what she did to yur friend OP I'm shocked anyone would want to associate themselves with this woman at all.

This is one time where if the scenario was flipped over and boss was male and wedding guest was female you would utterly loathe this person never mind be upset about not being invited for drinks.

Does rape crisis help men who've been targeted? Your friend needs help it doesn't matter how long ago this happened and this boss needs to face the consequences of her actions, I was drunk so attempted to sexually assault someone doesn't cut it.

I also think you would be best off looking for another job. This woman sounds like an extremely toxic, manipulative individual and your colleagues sound fairly sheeplike as well.

I don't think you should go into details about her sexual assault on your friend, though. Not because I don't believe you, but because she will have got some sort of contingency plan in place already to make you look like a judgemental, spiteful gossip and your workmates, not knowing the man concerned and not having been there, have already been conditioned to take this woman's side over yours. She'll probably tell them that you are a pathologically jealous insecure bitch who hates her and makes up stories about her or something.

I have past experience of very toxic, manipulative colleagues in the past; the only thing to do is get away if possible.

Another point on telling about the assault is respecting your friend's right to privacy as a victim. It isn't your story to tell.

This sounds like Workplace Wendy...

She's infiltrated your social circle and stolen it for herself.

Start job hunting. :(

Tell one close friend at work who you know will believe you, make sure it is one who will not be able to keep quiet. Let the word leak out. Continue to be scary nice. Xxxx

She's not a good boss as she's manipulative and divisive. Be very careful what you do here as it will be twisted and manipulated to her ends.

I don't agree you can tell anyone your side of the story. The incident has nothing to do with work;you can't drag the victim into this; she'll deny it happened;she'll complain to HR (unfortunately with justification since it has nothing to do with work) and get you sacked.

Someone who has held a grudge for 5 years and behaves like this has MASSIVE issues.

Thus says hell of a lot about the type of person she is.

Not that it helps you right now.

I thibk your colleagues are being a bit wet as well tbh to he going along with this. Seriously I would think my boss was batshit crazy to behave like this and think anyone bearing a grudge over a wedding invite for 5 years a real saddo.