Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep quiet about boss' "colourful" history even though it's biting ME in the bum? (Long)

91 replies

NorthernLassie247 · 05/04/2014 08:05

This is a weird one and have NC for this as don't want it to out me...
We have a new boss, started a few months ago. There are 9 in our department, and 6 of us regularly went out socialising, the other 3 don't really like going out much but we are all friendly at work so no issues there at all.

Anyway it turns out I know new boss quite well and have done for years...always been in same "circle" of friends, got on well but never that close. She always seemed nice but a total man-eater so I didn't really want to become associated with going on "man-hunts" etc with her.

So this year she starts work with us and although I was dubious she has turned out to be amazing, really talented, we are so happy at work because of her. In the meantime she found a bloke last yr and settled down and is no longer seen going home with a different man every night. All good so far.

However since she started I've found myself being invited to absolutely no social events this year. I've found out on Facebook they've all gone out without me (I know, I hate Facebook too!) and a few weeks ago there seemed to be a lot of secrecy about something and it turns out she had a massive party for her 40th and not only did she not invite me, she invited everyone else and told them not to tell me about the party. I still get on with everyone else exactly the same as I did before she came so I don't know what's going on there.

I decided the other day to ask one of my closer friends in the dept about it and she said that basically our boss had made a decision not to invite me to anything as she still felt bad at not being invited to my wedding five years ago, and literally everyone else was invited so she was really upset. Which sounds fair enough. Except...the reason we specifically did not invite her was that her behaviour at that point had been getting worse and worse, and at the previous wedding she'd attempted to sexually assault one of DH's best friends, who, although he managed to fight her off, was deeply upset about it and begged us not to invite her to ours. As he was one of DH's ushers, he took priority and we didn't invite my now boss.

I'm pretty sure that in her head, she didn't class it as assault and just saw it as her one failed conquest at that time but she really took it way too far and he was so scared and upset afterwards so it was a really big thing for him whereas it was a drunken moment for her that turned out to he a bit awkward because he didn't want to have sex with her.

So...all my friends at work are thinking that I'm getting my "just desserts" for being so rude and not inviting her years ago, as does my boss (as the incident is so insignificant to her)...and I think that's not fair that I'm losing out because of something she did wrong. But obviously I don't want to blab about her assaulting someone as that's an awful thing to say and could land me in real trouble at work as well (even though it's true!)

All the department are wanting to heal this rift and make the boss invite me out to things again as they are fed up of the secrecy. AIBU to kind of hint at a falling-out of mutual friends and having to make a choice about the wedding guests to protect her or do I tactfully say something about a drunken moment that went too far? I just have no idea what to say to explain myself and I don't want to make up a lie about it - please help!

OP posts:
FauxFox · 05/04/2014 08:52

The real reason she is excluding you may be that she is worried that in a social situation with a drink in you, you will start reminiscing and tell everyone about her dodgy past behaviour (including her current man who may have no idea about her past promiscuity).

Original poster
NorthernLassie247 · 05/04/2014 08:52

It's basically work nights out but for social reasons, so nothing to do with work itself, just the team going out for a drink after particularly busy periods etc so nothing compulsory but I do feel excluded by not being invited. That's why I wouldn't take it above her head, it does sound silly doesn't it...

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 05/04/2014 08:52

Just tell your friend your side of the story and leave it at that.

Your boss is very unprofessional to tell stories anyway, given that you didn't mention what happened at your wedding/knowing her previously in any meaningful way. Unfortunately some people just don't know how to keep personal and work/professional separate. Id have it out with her on a 1-1 as I hate gossips, but can understand you may not wish to do that.

You're still going to work there and so is she. If you have your own friends and social life it won't matter so much. People will think what they think - they'll either believe her, or believe you. Its their choice. But, so what...life's too short your happiness doesn't depend on her

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 05/04/2014 08:54

It's the secrecy that is insidious, you are being set apart from your colleagues. I would initially have a private chat with her, set the record straight. If that doesn't work I would just say that there were very good reasons why she wasn't invited and point out how childish it is to hold a grudge. Then organize a night out with your colleagues and invite her.

diddl · 05/04/2014 08:54

"just the team going out for a drink"

So is she stopping other team members asking you, as surely it doesn't have to come from her?

Original poster
NorthernLassie247 · 05/04/2014 08:57

Yes diddl, either that or she is taking over all the organisation herself when they say they don't want to be put in that position

OP posts:
WhoNickedMyName · 05/04/2014 08:58

See - work nights out for social reasons, after busy periods - if I were one of your colleagues and also a friend, I'd refuse to collude in any secrecy and I'd invite you along.

It's clear to me you have no 'friends' in work. I think the whole lot of them sound like a bunch of gobshites.

PartialFancy · 05/04/2014 08:59

Given the boss is so petty as to exclude someone from work events 5 years after the wedding, I really don't think going down the route of, "Oh, it was only because you sexually assaulted someone, don't feel hard done by. Now, let's be friends," is going to be terribly helpful.

Even the most honest, self-critical of people would be mortified to have their appalling actions laid out before them, and it would negatively impact the working relationship.

Little Miss Grudge-Holder would outright destroy you.

I'd go with deakymom's "Not everyone was invited, how precious to be going on about it 5 years later. And how unprofessional to let it affect work." And say this to everyone, not just her - you say they're already fed up with her secrecy and they may pressure her to just get over it.

You can use the "behaved badly to a mutual friend and we couldn't invite both" as a fallback explanation to anyone persistent about why she wasn't invited.

I have to say I'm uncomfortable this means minimising a sexual assault. But as YellowDinosaur says, you can't prove that, and mentioning it could come back to bite you.

PartialFancy · 05/04/2014 09:00

I agree with FauxFox that she's scared you'll talk about her past in general.

diddl · 05/04/2014 09:03

"It's clear to me you have no 'friends' in work. I think the whole lot of them sound like a bunch of gobshites."

I was thinking that tbh.

How/why is everyone believing her when she says that she should have been invited to a wedding 5yrs ago??!!

What would happen if one of the team mentioned a night out to OP?

Branleuse · 05/04/2014 09:04

suck it up. Go out with work friends seperatly

HolidayCriminal · 05/04/2014 09:10

Gawd, I would just quit. Find a new job. And once I was comfortable in new job I'd tell everyone at old job why.

TheTertiumSquid · 05/04/2014 09:10

I would be tempted to say nothing to the boss. But instead, firm up my friendships with my work friends and say, "look this is going to blow over. Can you just tell me about work socials and I'll turn up anyway".
Then when you find out about them, just turn up. What can she realistically say without looking like a complete cow? Then it will become normal again that you are there and the boss will look like an idiot for excluding you. Maybe you could instigate some of the socials yourself?
The reason they are doing what the boss says is that she is their boss. However, you've worked with them for years, they will still have some loyalty to you, and you should play on this.

MrsCakesPremonition · 05/04/2014 09:10

I would be concerned that, having managed to isolate you socially at work, she will decide to start isolating you professionally too. I would worry that you might find yourself excluded from meetings, missing out on opportunities etc. as she starts to favour other colleagues.
And the problem is that she is already chipping away at your colleagues loyalty to you, pulling them in to a group while leaving you on the outside.
It is bullying and I can't see her deciding to change her ways unless you force her to. She will be minimising her behaviour towards you in exactly the same way that she minimises her behaviour towards your friend.

Ludways · 05/04/2014 09:11

I disagree with the people who say that this is out of work events so she has no responsibility to invite you, as a manager she absolutely has a responsibility to act professionally with her work colleagues at all times, even out of work. It amounts to bullying.

Speak with her about it, if she gets defensive then tell her it is unacceptable behaviour to gesticulate to your work mates behind your back and take your complaint to her manager.

merielandmatt · 05/04/2014 09:12

I would talk to her and say that a couple of people have made you aware that she's asking them to exclude you and it's making them feel uncomfortable. Tell her that you're upset that this is happening since you previously had a good in and out of work dynamic with the team and ask if there is a reason that she does not want you to be there. Then at least you'll find out which of the possible things she is scared of coming out and you'll be able to reassure her.

Agree that you can't bring the 40th party into it but the rest is fair and it is workplace bullying as work will inevitably be discussed and so is an extension.

TruffleOil · 05/04/2014 09:19

She sounds fantastically unprofessional (when she's giving someone a cat-bum face for mentioning her 40th) and a total headcase (when she's sexually assaulting someone?).

How long has your boss been at your workplace? Is it just me or is it incredibly weird to invite a bunch of people who report into you to your 40th birthday party?

MissDuke · 05/04/2014 09:20

Is it possible that she is excluding you because she is terrified that you will tell stories about her once in a relaxed social environment? Deep down she may well know exactly what she did to that man. If it doesn't blow over, you may need to try and say to her that what happened in the past belongs in the past, ie she needs to get over the wedding thing and you won't tell stories.

I really feel for your friend though but it seems to have been his decision to bury it, and i don't therefore think that you need to bring it up, though I do feel a bit uncomfortable saying that!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/04/2014 09:26

Is it an option for you to arrange the next work night out?

TruffleOil · 05/04/2014 09:28

I wouldn't be crazy about someone at work, now that I'm 41, having spent several nights on the tiles with me as a 20-something - but using your authority to neutralize the situation is an abuse of authority.

magoria · 05/04/2014 10:06

You need to be very careful. You cannot go around saying she sexually assaulted someone.

He did not go to the police. She has not been convicted of anything.

It is similar to when MN has to pull threads on here.

It is shitty and if you are being excluded from work socials I think you sH

Quodlibet · 05/04/2014 10:08

If your boss was a man who had sexually assaulted one of your bridesmaids and thus not been invited to your wedding, would we be viewing him the same way?

magoria · 05/04/2014 10:09

Bloody phone. Should speak to HR about it as she is acting unprofessionally and causing problem with working relationships.

RhondaJean · 05/04/2014 10:17

I don't think it matters why you didn't invite her to your wedding actually. That's a red herring as awful as it is.

She's got a responsibility to behave in a professional way and by deliberately excluding I d if the team she's not doing it.

I'd call her out in front if everyone.

Oh x, I heard I want invited to any team nights out any more because I didn't ask you to my wedding, five years ago. I thought that was ridiculous and I'd better check it with you?

In front of the whole team.

tb · 05/04/2014 10:30

If pressed about it at work, I'd just say that she did something that really upset one of the ushers, and that he asked you not to invite her. In deference to his feelings, you did just that.

You could always refer to her always having had 'an active social life' with or without a Wink

I would think if this continues you have 2 options, not necessarily mutually exclusive, 1) look for another job and 2) make a formal complaint about her bullying behaviour.

All in all, inmo, a very nasty position to be in at work. After all, you spend a hell of a lot of time there.