To keep quiet about boss' "colourful" history even though it's biting ME in the bum? (Long)

[NorthernLassie247]

This is a weird one and have NC for this as don't want it to out me...
We have a new boss, started a few months ago. There are 9 in our department, and 6 of us regularly went out socialising, the other 3 don't really like going out much but we are all friendly at work so no issues there at all.

Anyway it turns out I know new boss quite well and have done for years...always been in same "circle" of friends, got on well but never that close. She always seemed nice but a total man-eater so I didn't really want to become associated with going on "man-hunts" etc with her.

So this year she starts work with us and although I was dubious she has turned out to be amazing, really talented, we are so happy at work because of her. In the meantime she found a bloke last yr and settled down and is no longer seen going home with a different man every night. All good so far.

However since she started I've found myself being invited to absolutely no social events this year. I've found out on Facebook they've all gone out without me (I know, I hate Facebook too!) and a few weeks ago there seemed to be a lot of secrecy about something and it turns out she had a massive party for her 40th and not only did she not invite me, she invited everyone else and told them not to tell me about the party. I still get on with everyone else exactly the same as I did before she came so I don't know what's going on there.

I decided the other day to ask one of my closer friends in the dept about it and she said that basically our boss had made a decision not to invite me to anything as she still felt bad at not being invited to my wedding five years ago, and literally everyone else was invited so she was really upset. Which sounds fair enough. Except...the reason we specifically did not invite her was that her behaviour at that point had been getting worse and worse, and at the previous wedding she'd attempted to sexually assault one of DH's best friends, who, although he managed to fight her off, was deeply upset about it and begged us not to invite her to ours. As he was one of DH's ushers, he took priority and we didn't invite my now boss.

I'm pretty sure that in her head, she didn't class it as assault and just saw it as her one failed conquest at that time but she really took it way too far and he was so scared and upset afterwards so it was a really big thing for him whereas it was a drunken moment for her that turned out to he a bit awkward because he didn't want to have sex with her.

So...all my friends at work are thinking that I'm getting my "just desserts" for being so rude and not inviting her years ago, as does my boss (as the incident is so insignificant to her)...and I think that's not fair that I'm losing out because of something she did wrong. But obviously I don't want to blab about her assaulting someone as that's an awful thing to say and could land me in real trouble at work as well (even though it's true!)

All the department are wanting to heal this rift and make the boss invite me out to things again as they are fed up of the secrecy. AIBU to kind of hint at a falling-out of mutual friends and having to make a choice about the wedding guests to protect her or do I tactfully say something about a drunken moment that went too far? I just have no idea what to say to explain myself and I don't want to make up a lie about it - please help!

I'm viewing the boss with horror, Quodlibet. But the OP can't make an accusation.

Meanwhile she has to work with the boss.

i agree that she is extremely manipulative and a bully.

i personally don't see any good outcome here. i'd be looking for another job. when i got it i'd be telling the über boss the truth and get the fuck out.

meanwhile i wouldn't spread shit around, but i would say 'there was a problem between her and a very close friend. i don't want to go into it further as it's in the past. i've moved on.' your friends at work can make their own minds up.

I think rhondajean has the best suggestion actually. Call her out on it, in a friendly manner, as if there is no way she'd do something so ridiculous. This will either force her to say 'don't be silly of course we haven't been excluding you' prompting you to say 'great I knew there must have been a misunderstanding, now when is everyone free for a drink next week?' Or she will admit this is the reason and you can respond saying 'oh come on you must know it's not possible to invite everyone you've ever met to a wedding, don't you think 5 years is a bit long to be bearing a grudge?'

Either way she will be the one who comes out of it looking ridiculous and the situation is diffused. And if she persists in excluding you I'd open a grievance for bullying. Because this is not just not being invited out with friends. It is deliberately being excluded from work social events, to which you were previously invited, which is unprofessional and bullying.

The point is: your boss is using their position of authority to force your colleagues to exclude you from social events; to sideline you; and to ostracise you.

This is not what a good manager does, no matter what their personal relationship with you.

I would ask her for an informal meeting/coffee and explain this, and ask her to stop; if she point blank refuses, then mention (not threaten but point out) that if it continues you will be asking HR for further advice.

I agree that her "trigger" is a red herring; she is bullying you, and making others uncomfortable and complicit in this.

But I also agree that your "friends" are out of order to go along with it, they don't have to join in the ostracising!

Do you have 1-2-1's at work? Could not not raise the exclusion from the general (ignoring the birthday) night out at that, how you cannot understand why considering this has only happened in the last few months....

I agree it sound like she was initially cacking herself at being outed, and now game playing to the point of bullying, but with it being evens out of work cannot see it that way

This is a really awful situation to be in. Your boss is a bully. But I would not want to socialise with someone who had assaulted and upset my friend either.
I also agree that your 'friends' at work are not really friends.
I think you need to watch your back at work, be very careful you are not blamed for errors or mistakes, missed targets etc or accuse you of being lazy. She is undermining you, starting with the people you thought were friends.
I would not approach her without someone you totally trust (not someone in you dept) to witness it. Do you have a union rep? If so speak to them.
If I was you I look would consider moving dept or jobs.
She is NOT a good boss and you need to stop thinking she is.

Noooo, don't raise it in a 1-2-1! The boss is sneaky and already bullying you!

Say what RhondaJean and YellowDinosaur suggest, and in front of the team.

I would tackle them all at once. Do you have regular meetings with all your team? If so, I would say something there. I would say,"I just want to say something to all of you. I have noticed, of course I've noticed, but I am the only person being left out of social activities. I wanted to know this really hurts me. I thought I had friends here. I have heard on the grapevine that this is something to do with X not being invited to my wedding. Firstly it was five years ago and I don't see that is relevant here. Secondly, there are very very good reasons why that happened which I'm sure I shouldn't have to go into here. I just want to get this out into the open because I thought we will all friends and I'm very very hurt being left out." Then pick up your bag and leave the room. This would work best if it was end of day and you could just go home.

Please ignore any errors in that as I was dictating into my phone!

In hindsight OP, I think you're better off without these people, and hopefully you have good friends outside work so you don't have to worry too much about their nonsense. Situations like this are why I prefer to keep work friendships & personal friendships separate.

Your boss only started a few months ago. You were already working and socialising there. Yet she join your organisation then spread a story about you, and people go along with it/join in the game of ostracising you from social events? Just like that?

If I was friendly with a work colleague and a newbie came along and started to spread stories about her; added to that, openly excluded her from social events in a 'lets all go but leave her out' way, then - I wouldnt be attending those events. These people are shallow, and starry eyed about a newbie and fresh gossip. Id rather stick pins in my eyes than hang out with people like that. If they were your friends in the 1st place it would have been 'thanks but no thanks' to joining in your exclusion.

Id still tell the 1 person, then simply leave them to it. It does no good to follow sheep.

Some of the suggestions posters have given for speaking to the team as a whole are good, tho..

What Quodlibet said.

But she has her knife out for you OP. Your days there are numbered. You need to find another job and tell everyone what a bitch she is.

She's being rather clever isn't she? Totally great, professional, a joy to work with in the workplace, but just leaving you out of social events. A bully, but a sneaky one who knows how to play the game. I can't see how you would talk to HR about it as she's not done anything wrong, technically.

I think it's a terrible idea to socialise at work actually. I would rather stick pins in my eyes. And your work-friends don't sound like friends if they are joining in the exclusion.

It must be horrible for you at work. And it isn't nice that you are excluded. But you did exclude her and she obviously still bears a grudge about it even though it was her own fault. I don't think this will really be solved but of course I might be wrong. But your work colleagues are being put in a difficult postion. Sworn to secrecy about nights out and so on. People will usually follow the herd and do what's best for them. Sadly.

In your position I would be looking for another job if it appears that she will be your boss for a long time.

Excluding you from after-work drinks is bullying according to the definition in places I've worked - one policy had the wording 'deliberate exclusion from social events'. The 40th not so much. I wouldn't tell her you're upset as she might want that if she's manipulative and strategic. You might seem to get on with her at work but if she systematically excludes you, then that is nasty behaviour and you need to watch your back.

Email her and say that a number of your colleagues have mentioned that there has been after-work socialising and that they and you are uncomfortable that you have been excluded. Then just say that in future you would like to be included, and if this is a problem you would like her to tell you why. Put it in writing. Use the language of bullying as defined by your organisation - for example 'I am finding that this exclusion is undermining to me as a person and it is unwelcome' or whatever. Keep it in cool distant unprofessional language.

eh sorry - professional not unprofessional language!

Its bullying, pure & simple & she's a manipulative underhand, two faced cow who is relying on you feeling too silly about the exclusions to speak.

She wants you out, you know way to much about her & that makes you a work place threat - trust me, if you do not do something & do it well & that doesn't mean speaking to her directly - she's shown her colours & from experience I can tell you that will not help, only satisfy her that she is winning - this will not end well.

I would recommend a paper trail you can use later if needed, email her, but keep it very formal - your exclusion from workplace gatherings is undermining your place within the company & you know from others that it is leaving the rest of the staff feeling very uneasy & creating a work place situation that if not cut short will become intolerable fir all concerned - cite several examples with details & dates & email it to her, then email your big boss or HR, let them know about the situation & that you have taken steps to address it professionally yourself, but would apreciate their back up if this fails.

I've been in a very similar situation & I felt silly as you do & I didn't address it - it got far worse & did not end well for me at all & I was in a far stronger position than you, as I was actually the boss, but a sustained bullying & manipulation & undermining of my work campaign by the old friend I actually employed & trained in my own time to help her out, ended up with me losing my job

You must act & you must do it carefully in a traceable & professional manner

Good luck

PS - I would also be diplomatically very open with HR/bigger boss about the reasons the Wendy of a woman is bullying & ostracising you in this way - it shows she has motive & gives weight to your complaint

Good luck

I think this is a 'work' matter. I appreciate that the outings take place out of the workplace and outwith working hours, however it is being brought into the workplace.
Her behavior makes it a 'work' matter. Making faces and gesturing to colleagues behind your back makes it a 'work' matter. Especially given that she is your boss, I even think she is making the situation a 'bullying at work' matter.

I'm not quite sure how you should word it (there will be much more eloquent and tactful people than I, on this thread, who might better help with what to say), but I do think you really do have to escalate this, by taking it to HR and/or someone who is significantly senior to your boss. Talk it through with HR without informing your boss of that intent.

I understand that it could be a lot worse, but I do think you are being bullied at work, NorthernLassie. Exclusion is bullying.

OP, may be an idea to speak to ACAS. They're really good with workplace bullying issues. Their advisers are friendly, and easy to speak to as well. They have a Helpline
www.acas.org.uk

One thing I learned at work is that 'colleagues' do not equal 'friends'. Yes, they are pleasant enough in a work environment or work social life because they have to all get along together. After you leave, you hardly ever hear from them again. Friends do not just ditch you.

I have enough friends outside work

I agree with rockinhippie, she's a work Wendy. She is deliberately alienating you. She's being divisive and manipulating people. They appear to see what she is going but are being complicit as they don't want her to turn on them.
Sorry op get a new job.

A lot of this just doesn't ring true for me. Isn't it more likely she hasn't invited you because you are so judgmental about her and because of all this sort of stuff?

• This alleged serious assault has never been proven in a court of law. Its just one person's word against hers, which you have heard about third hand. What actually happened?

• The victim in question was so traumatised he hasn't "been with a woman" in the 5 years since. If he was that traumatised, why didn't he go to the police?

• You criticise her for being a maneater, and paint a very unpleasant picture of a sexual predator who preys on innocent men. Of course, its equally possible that what actually happened is that signals were misread and the victim was unusually traumatised/embarrassed by what happened. No-one knows - there has been no proof in court.

• You didn't invite her to your wedding.

• You confuse your worklife with your social life. Are there really only departmental employees invited along, or is it a mix of friends?

I hope I'm not coming across too harsh but from the picture you paint of this woman, she is such an out of control sexual predator that she would struggle to keep friends, relationships and hold down a job, and would have a criminal record, or at least other people who are wary of her. It all seems to be based on taking the worst possible interpretation of unproven facts against one person.

You're coming across pretty badly, TBF, Melonade.

What with not reading the OP properly (third-hand account? Not what OP says) and with your promulgation of strange rape myths (that no report = no assault; and that all people guilty of sexual assaults will be convicted).

Why don't you ask work mates out for a drink/something to eat as a group without nn?