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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DD (9 months) with DH and go away for a few days?

45 replies

ArtFine · 04/04/2014 12:24

DD is recovering from a cold and I've got the cold. She is understandably extremely miserable (lots of crying despite calpol/nurofen) and every time I sneeze she starts crying Hmm

DD has been a very very fussy baby since birth and a very poor sleeper, up every hour at night since the past six months (have had the odd good night here and there).

DH has not done any nights and has not been supportive. He can come home earlier from work on the odd occasion but doesn't. I asked him for 2.5 hours per week for myself to catch up on sleep/rest, but has only delivered that a few times. Basically everyone and everything else takes priority than me. He knows ill carry on looking after DD.

I'm utterly exhausted, fed up and ill and tired. DH is off next week and I'm tempted to text him and let him know I'm leaving for a few days and he has DD to himself. She's currently ebf but desperately needs to get onto the bottle (which I've again asked his help for in the past but hasn't delivered much). She needs to go on the bottle due to allergies and as she is a very poor eater we can't do sleep training as we suspect she is actually hungry as night.

DD adores him and he is a good father. She is generally much happier with him.

So AIBU to just leave her with him and go? I know timing is a bit rubbish as she is recovering from a cold but she is over the worst of it (and plus isnt it time DH sees how it is to look after an ill baby all day on your own?).

So what do you think?

OP posts:
BlueberriesAndWine · 04/04/2014 12:32

I would go. You need to make some time for yourself in order to rest and get your head together.

Everybody needs a break.

BlueberriesAndWine · 04/04/2014 12:33

Sorry just reread the bit about ebf, I'm not sure what the best way of handling this is, hopefully someone with experience will post soon.

WhatsTheWordHummingbird · 04/04/2014 12:34

"And he is a good father" ...... sounds it.

Go. And when you get back, get this sorted.

Writerwannabe83 · 04/04/2014 13:03

Definitely go!!! I felt angry reading your post, some men's attitudes to child rearing is just abysmal. You deserve a break!!

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 04/04/2014 13:07

YANBU, but Will he be a martyr/ bother you with 100 calls a day?

Whereisegg · 04/04/2014 13:07

I wouldn't give him too much warning tbh.

TheKnightsThatSayNee · 04/04/2014 13:08

Do it, why are u even asking? Can you stretch to a spa hotel?

Fakebook · 04/04/2014 13:09

I'd go, but leaving him with an ebf baby is a bit scary. What if she doesn't drink from a bottle? I'd worry about that and it will cause undue stress for all 3 of you.

charlietangoteakettlebarbeque · 04/04/2014 13:11

GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO

There are a multitude of reasons to JUST GO!!!

Spend this weekend trying to get her used to the bottle, with any luck she will take to it.

Then go; sleep, eat, chill, read a book, see friends, drink wine, get your head sorted.

Your DH will get to spend time with your DC, bond, and see just how bloody difficult it is! Maybe he will then cut you some slack and help out when you need it.

LittleMissGreen · 04/04/2014 13:15

Having had a heart attack misreading your title that you and DH were going to go away and leave your DD for 9months, anything in comparison is completely reasonable Grin.

Xalla · 04/04/2014 13:31

Go. Don't give it another thought!

Original poster
ArtFine · 04/04/2014 14:00

Thanks everyone for your support. I am a bit worried about the milk as she is very fussy, but I don't think there's going to be another way except going cold turkey on BF.

OP posts:
mercibucket · 04/04/2014 14:55

have you asked for advice on the bf board too? back in the day we used to say it was mostly milk not food that provided calories still at that age

anyhow, definitely book a day off for a rest!!

RedRoom · 04/04/2014 15:04

Go. My god will he appreciate you when you get back!

BuntyCollocks · 04/04/2014 15:10

Is no one else picking up on the red flag "She is generally much happier with him"?

OP, could you be depressed? Also, you can't leave a baby that currently doesn't take a bottle for three days if you're exclusively bf'ing. It won't magically make her take it. She may refuse it, and then you're up shit creek. She should be getting the majority of her calories from milk.

By all means go for a lovely spa day, or even one overnight, but I honestly, 100%, as a mum who has ebf two babies, one of whom had undiagnosed reflux and didn't sleep, literally, from 5 months until 11 months for more than 2 hours a night, would NOT be buggering off to a hotel for a few days and leaving her!

You need a break. I wholeheartedly sympathise, and understand, and agree. But I don't think this is a good idea.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 04/04/2014 15:57

I wouldn't your boobs will be engorged and you'll be in agony.

Freeyourmind · 04/04/2014 16:02

I agree with Bunty. You've described your DH as someone who just has not been involved in the first 9 months of your DD's life, by his own choice. He could come home earlier to help you, but chooses not to. If he isn't being supportive to you, then he isn't a good father. By all means, take some time for yourself while he is off but if you think that this is going to be a fix long term, then unfortunately I really don't think it is. I've been in your shoes, wanting an OH who sees the situation and wants to help his wife, but if he's not stepping up to the job voluntarily then longer term you have a far bigger problem.

I really do sympathise, you sound exhausted, physically and mentally.

SimplyRedHead · 04/04/2014 16:10

I was ebf my 9 mo - also with allergies - and desperate to get her on a bottle. The only thing that got her to take one was leaving her with DH for 36 hours.

I got terrible mastitis though so make sure you take precautions to prevent that (google tips).

ApocalypseThen · 04/04/2014 16:11

He's not actually a good father. Nor is he a good family member. He's not responsible enough to be left with a baby for that long. Any chance you could get away while your mum comes to supervise his childcare?

BirdieWhirlie · 04/04/2014 16:15

You need a few days off - you desperately do - but to leave you need to have a baby who CAN be left, which means a baby your DH can feed. Can you move onto formula today?

And more than a fews days off, you need a DH who supports you, cares for you, understands what you're going through and does something about it.

So what happens if you do this: 2 weeks from now, you have a baby who takes formula. You leave for two or three nights to get some rest and take stock. Your DH will take the weekend and perhaps a day or two off work.

Any partner who refused you in this - well, I'd seriously consider whether I wanted to be in that relationship anymore.

Original poster
ArtFine · 04/04/2014 16:31

Thanks everyone.

How else am I supposed to stop BFing? I'm aware of mastitis and engorgement and will obviously take the appropriate steps.

I know there is a larger issue here, but I need to get rest and sleep before I have a conversation with DH, and I also need to get DD off BFing so that we can sleep train her and I can get more sleep.

I have tried giving her a beaker and bottle with formula but she refuses to drink from it. I don't think me being around is going to help.

OP posts:
charlietangoteakettlebarbeque · 04/04/2014 16:37

do whatever you think and feel is right - only you can decide this. sending you Thanks and Cake

Hope you get some rest soon. Sleep deprivation is THE WORST.

Martorana · 04/04/2014 16:37

I wouldn't make the baby have a miserable time to make a point, frankly. And surely (sorry if I'm wrong ) bf is more important for an allergy prone baby?

Martorana · 04/04/2014 16:38

I wouldn't make the baby have a miserable time to make a point, frankly. And surely (sorry if I'm wrong ) bf is more important for an allergy prone baby?

mercibucket · 04/04/2014 17:11

how about a 'stopping bf' plan while your dh is off, but without going away, just going out while he does the bottles at a few times of day? plus a slow cut down of bf so no mastitis?