To want to tell this mum how devastated our 6 year old is

[BuntCadger]

My ds2 has high functioning autism. he's very affectionate and kind but often plays on his own but is very attached to a couple of kids. These children came to his party (whole class invited) and it was clear that they all got on well. One little boy, I'll call him harry, told ds2 he was invited to his party. no invite was ever received and we invited harry over to play which was declined by text saying "thanks but can we just leave it for now".

School have called to say ds2 inconsolable repeating it's too late it's too late. It appears harry had his party and he and other children have told ds2. This might seem minor but for ds2 it's a big big deal. He doesn't have play dates etc like other kids. He can only manage school part time and is being statemented. He Isn't naughty, he isn't a bad influence, he isn't violent, he simply cannot cope with the anxiety he feels and sensory processing issues.

I feel like I want to tell this parent and anyone else this as it simply isn't fair that they exclude him for being different

[formerbabe]

Captainbarnacle...what ridiculous comment! Of course no one has a legal obligation to invite someone to their party, but there's lots of things in life we do that we don't have to for a greater good.

[Onesieone]

I'm so sorry this has happened to ur wee buddy. My son is 3 and is ASD and I am
So worried about things like this in the future. I'm afraid I would prob just get too emotional if I was to talk to the mother. However I would be pleasent while steering my ds into different friendships. Cubs is a great idea.

[BuntCadger]

captain. It was that he'd been verbally invited and being hfa he takes it as absolute. then being told by lots of kids about it this morning he was inconsolable he'd not made card and missed party. He has only been invited to one party this school year. I don't start aibu after every one

[spiderlight]

Poor little lad :( My son was heartbroken a few weeks ago to be excluded from a party - he has always played with the same three boys, since the beginning of Reception, and one of them had a small party and invited the other two, plus two other random boys from the class who aren't really in the 'gang'. DS was devastated and I was hurt too - again, I'd had this boy here to play and they'd got on well - so I really do feel for you and your son. Party invitations are a minefield :(

[captainbarnacle]

But this isn't the workplace. There are no codes of conduct which parents sign up to to say that they must invite everyone in the class to all birthday parties. There really is no obligation whatsoever. I think it would be better to lower expectations of getting invites to parties than to big them up as huge class events.

When my 5yr old came out of school this week saying Tom is having a birthday party and he is invited, I told him that we don't have an invitation yet. Yes, a bowling party sounds very exciting but not everyone can go and not to worry if he's not able to go this time. As a parent I can only have control over the happiness of my own children. Sending a text to another parent saying that they have caused my son to be devastated is ridiculous in the extreme and makes you look like a loon.

[Aeroflotgirl]

I would just leave it with Harry, good text back though. My dd goes to Brownies and dancing outside school, how about Cubs, or Karate fir example.

[SallyMcgally]

Why is there this attitude that other parents are responsible for including every other child in the class and responsible for the happiness of other people's children?
There is a consensus that nobody can reasonably be expected to invite every child in a class of 30.
We're all responsible for behaving in a way that doesn't inflict avoidable hurt and unhappiness on people. That includes not singling children out in public and putting birthday hats on them in front of the children who aren't invited. In later life it includes not inviting everyone in the office out for a drink except for one or two. It's not a very strange or unreasonable attitude.

[Aeroflotgirl]

At least her text has made tge person think, I wouldent have sent one but op felt she had to. I think op just leave your ds to it, and try to stay out of friendships, in time when he is older he will probably form more meaningful ones. At that age is just fickle.

[formerbabe]

If it helps, my ds could only invite ten out of his class of 30 to his party. I think he also may have verbally invited many despite me explaining we couldn't invite everyone and not to discuss his party at school.

[everythingiknow]

I can see where OP is coming from captain, even if it's hard for you to empathise here

[Aeroflotgirl]

Yes Harry can invite who he wants, of course Harry is not responsible for op ds happiness, but op ds does not understand that as a 6 year old, with Autism. It's hard if that happened in adult circles, let alone a child.

[SallyMcgally]

Sending a text to another parent saying that they have caused my son to be devastated is ridiculous in the extreme and makes you look like a loon.
And that's a really rude comment. It's clear that these are very specific circumstances.
OP - you haven't come over as a loon at all. It was a very measured text to 'Harry's' mum, and a decent reply back. I hope you're feeling a bit better about it.

[captainbarnacle]

The text would only make her think 'good grief, I'm getting hassle and being put on a guilt trip over a six year old's birthday party, way after the event and I cannot make any amends even if I wanted to. This parent is extremely over sensitive and high maintenance and I will avoid avoid avoid in the future'. YABU.

[WooWooOwl]

I think that's the best response you could have hoped for from the other mother, it's nice that she replied.

I wouldn't push her on the get togethers, she already asked politely if you could leave it for now, and it would be polite of you to respect her wishes.

[formerbabe]

Captainnatnacle... I think there is a code of conduct for parents that says we should treat other children how we would wish our own to be treated.

[Aeroflotgirl]

As a parent you want to see your child happy making friends, even more so with op as her ds has Autism.

[Onesieone]

Standing ovation for Former Babe

[Aeroflotgirl]

Mabey captain it's better if that happened, though it's of course not op ds fault that his mum sent a text to Harry's mum.

[CoffeeTea103]

I'm sorry but I think you are really ott op. That text really was out of order. You tried to lay the guilt trip on that mum without even knowing a reason for not inviting your son, also which she has no obligation to!
Anyway reading her responses to you just shows she doesn't really want to keep much contact with you after this.

[BuntCadger]

Yup best response from other mum. its a minefield. sincerely hope if not come over as a loon. With ds2 part time I don't meet with other parents. I wouldn't want to push her to play date either and duly noted.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Exactly formerbabe, spot on! A bit of kindness and thought goes a long way. I am grateful to those parents at dd old mainstream school who did that, she got lots of party invites where we were not expecting it.

[Bonsoir]

I wonder whether you aren't reading too much into this, OP? I have often refused invitations for my DD from other children to parties and playdates - there are many reasons for doing so.

[PeachyTheSanctiMoanyArse]

Quite Sally

We always went for cheaper village hall parties so we could invite everyone in a class until strong friendship groups were sorted.

And if people think it's inevitably accidental then I am sorry but no.

DS1 struggled in mainstream and I have no lack of understanding for parents who chose not to invite him to parties, I quite get it.

Except the mum who invited everyone else, collected them from school, lined the kids up in front of ds1 deliberately, standing about 3cm in front of my face to make a point; then shouted 'nice boys from class X, to X's Party, quick march!'.

See, I am a peaceful type in general, I really am. But I never came closer to pushing someone off their five inch stilettos than on that day.

We've also had parents actively pushing then non verbal ds3 from his TA to shove their NT kids in their hands 'because you deserve help just as much, we all pay taxes', leading to ds3 returning home immediately day after day in tears, and petitions raised against ds1's inclusion way before he was aggressive in school, but the party ranks highest in my memory of awfulness. Oh there was the child DS3 adored and vice versa, whose parents were REALLY keen on the friendship when all they knew about us was that we lived in the posh bit, until they realised DS3 was a (lovely, gentle, kind) Base child.... then tried to ban the friendship in school and out.

I don't expect parents to include my kids by default, though if it's a class party exclusion is harsh and I am always happy to attend and help if asked. However, overt nasty exclusion is just twisted and sadly common based on the experiences of my SN Community friends.

[Aeroflotgirl]

I don't think coffee she wanted to anyway, from her initial response to op suggestion of a play date.

[everythingiknow]

The parent I'd be 'AVOID AVOIDING' here is captainbarnacle - wow, thank goodness the world has a few more caring people in it than you! Even though I uphold to the uttermost your right to hold your own opinion, I'm afraid I can't subscribe to it myself.