To want to tell this mum how devastated our 6 year old is

[BuntCadger]

My ds2 has high functioning autism. he's very affectionate and kind but often plays on his own but is very attached to a couple of kids. These children came to his party (whole class invited) and it was clear that they all got on well. One little boy, I'll call him harry, told ds2 he was invited to his party. no invite was ever received and we invited harry over to play which was declined by text saying "thanks but can we just leave it for now".

School have called to say ds2 inconsolable repeating it's too late it's too late. It appears harry had his party and he and other children have told ds2. This might seem minor but for ds2 it's a big big deal. He doesn't have play dates etc like other kids. He can only manage school part time and is being statemented. He Isn't naughty, he isn't a bad influence, he isn't violent, he simply cannot cope with the anxiety he feels and sensory processing issues.

I feel like I want to tell this parent and anyone else this as it simply isn't fair that they exclude him for being different

[Aeroflotgirl]

Op just said it was a whole class party that Harry's mum had for him . In that case op is very justified to send that text, I hope Harry's mum feels very bad and karma to her not Harry of course.

Anventine, what a nasty mum to do that, did tge teacher not intervene to stop her!

[MillyJones]

Merry the other parents don't appear to know about OPs little boys autism so I don't think its the autism label itself that they are bothered about.

[formerbabe]

Has she texted back yet?

[WorraLiberty]

Merry you're jumping the gun there.

All the OP has to go on is a phone call from the school saying there was a party and some kids have told her DS.

As for the playdate, well they might have been busy or maybe their child just didn't fancy it and they didn't want to say incase the OP got offended.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Dd has HFA but us in special Autistic school as she cannot cope with lots of children and the noisy environment, her school is calm and nurturing especially for an Autistic child. In her class they all have HFA I believe.

[WorraLiberty]

Aero the OP does not know if it was a whole class party.

whole class from what I understand worral.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Op knows Harry had a whole class party, a parent who was present could have informed her

[SallyMcgally]

Just want to send you a big hug and . They're a bloody minefield these birthday parties, and I'm so sorry that you and your little boy are having a rotten time because of it. My DS has been left out of numerous things like this, and it breaks your heart. Your DS sounds a real poppet.

[WorraLiberty]

Aero are you the OP?

[Marne]

So sorry you and your little boy are going through this op, I have been through It with both by dd's, luckily dd2 is not too bothered but dd1 is. When we first moved dd2 to this school we got several invites, I think parents just wanted to be nosy, see why dd2 had a 1:1 and find out what was wrong with her ( though there is nothing wrong ), after these few invites they stopped ,I think once they knew she had autism and needed a lot of extra help they thought it would be too tricky to look after her at a party ( even though I always stay with her ), there has been a few parties in the past year where most of the class have been invited but not dd2, this includes parties from her close friends . I think people are scared and they are unsure of how to be around our kids, it's deffently a 'parent problem' rather then the children not wanting our dc's there. It makes me feel that are children are left out through fear of the unknown.

[BuntCadger]

Actually it was implied by teacher. All other kids talking about it. Please can this not be a bunfight

[captainbarnacle]

Good grief. The parents are not nasty or tossers. They have no legal or moral obligation to invite your DS to a party. Yes, it would have been nice. But you cannot make people invite your child to a party by guilt tripping them.

Six year olds can choose who to invite. Parents can choose who to invite. Yes it is very very sad for your DS but you cannot avoid the real world out there, and the other parents are not responsible for him being upset.

[WorraLiberty]

But implication and fact are two different things.

If it turns out your child was not the only one excluded, I hope you'll apologise to the parent because she would surely be feeling like shit.

[Aeroflotgirl]

No no as I said my dd is HFA I don't have a ds with it

[Backtobedlam]

I don't think at 6 the boys would have been intentionally upsetting your ds or rubbing his nose in the fact he didn't go to the party, it's more likely they probably didn't even realise. At that age it's generally the parents who take over the inviting, mainly because they are so fickle and chop and change friends! As an adult it would be very mean to have a class party and exclude just one child. I think the text you sent is actually very good-if the other mother has any ounce of sensitivity she will respond and try to include your ds more in future. If she doesn't respond you know she is a complete cow and probably best avoided by you and your ds.

[Aeroflotgirl]

I am lucky dd hates parties

[Aeroflotgirl]

Worra it could happen, some parents can be cruel, yes that text sounded like she was trying not to encourage the friendship

[Owllady]

If the whole class was invited except for you little boy, then yes it's a really shitty thing to do
If it was just a few children who the boy had picked, then tbh regardless of your sons hfa it is just one of those things.
I am really sorry your son is so distraught :(

[PeachyTheSanctiMoanyArse]

Base provision- sometimes called LRC- is when the school sets aside a classroom or group of rooms within a mainstream provision so that the students can have access to mainstream inclusion whilst having a higher level of support for SN issues. Here we get bases for ASD, generic SN and EBD. I know other areas have them for PD as well. Generally they are allocated the same way as SN Schools, by the SN Panel.

Typically a child may also drop an area of study in order to take social skills or catch up help, though that varies.

DS3, 10, attends very little MS inclusion but is integrated for playtimes, lunch, PE and DT. He is going on the yr 6 residential trip as well, with help, but the rest of his teaching is within the Base. DS1, 14, does not attend Welsh, Music of French but does attend everything else with either 1-1 or 1-2 support, and will do a full complement of GCSEs. He has social skills and does his homework in his off time, and if he is not coping one day his TA simply takes him back to the Base, where he has his own desk and little safe area decorated with things that mater to him. He does work there, socialises there at lunch time when he chooses, and there are always specialist teachers there to help him. There's also a time out room kids can use if needed, and we have all our IEP meetings there.

[SallyMcgally]

captain It really does depend on how many of the class were invited. Parents do have a moral obligation not to single out one or two children, as do adults in the real world. It is not uncommon for workplace bullying manuals to cite exclusion from a social event as evidence of workplace bullying. If only five or six children out of 30 were invited then obviously this is not the case. If 26 or 27 out of 30 were invited then it is.

[PerhapsNot]

I really feel for your son. it's always hard to know exactly what the facts are in cases like this. I think you text is ok, it's not accusing them of anything. It sounds 'heartfelt' but that's not a bad thing.

I think the idea of cubs is a good one.

[captainbarnacle]

Why is there this attitude that other parents are responsible for including every other child in the class and responsible for the happiness of other people's children? There really aren't. They owe you nothing. I think you have much higher expectations of birthday parties being massively inclusive than the actual reality of people's lives.

Not inviting every child in the class to a birthday party does not mean the parents are cow bags. I am so surprised by the attitudes in this thread.

[BuntCadger]

got response. said that 'harry' invited lots if people verbally but they were limited on numbers and they are aware of ds2 autism and it wasn't a factor. I replied that I glad we hadn't missed the invite and that I hoped he'd had a lovely party. that we haven't really shared ds2 extra needs and don't know how it's perceived. It would be nice if they could meet up for a play at some point. have a good easter.

she's replied again. hope u have good easter too

[Sparklingbrook]

I don't know what to say other than I hope 'Harry's' parents are just very thick and unthinking and not as vile as it all appears.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Ah, I hope you feel ok with that outcome, OP.

Harry deserves a bit of a treat later.