To want to tell this mum how devastated our 6 year old is

[BuntCadger]

My ds2 has high functioning autism. he's very affectionate and kind but often plays on his own but is very attached to a couple of kids. These children came to his party (whole class invited) and it was clear that they all got on well. One little boy, I'll call him harry, told ds2 he was invited to his party. no invite was ever received and we invited harry over to play which was declined by text saying "thanks but can we just leave it for now".

School have called to say ds2 inconsolable repeating it's too late it's too late. It appears harry had his party and he and other children have told ds2. This might seem minor but for ds2 it's a big big deal. He doesn't have play dates etc like other kids. He can only manage school part time and is being statemented. He Isn't naughty, he isn't a bad influence, he isn't violent, he simply cannot cope with the anxiety he feels and sensory processing issues.

I feel like I want to tell this parent and anyone else this as it simply isn't fair that they exclude him for being different

[MerryMarigold]

picnic basket: I really hope it wasn't an intentionally cruel thing to get his hopes up and enjoy seeing him crushed when told the party had already happened...

That is the kind of thing that happened to my ds in reception. I was shocked some YR kids were mature enough to think of that, but they are. They like the control - there was 1 child in particular like this.

OP, I would talk to his teacher and I am tempted to say speak to the parent, explain how it has made him feel and that he thought he was invited. I wouldn't have the guts, but if you have, I think they should know and I would hope they feel ashamed. It is clear they are not going to let little Harry near your child anyway, so it's not going to 'create an atmosphere'.

[BuntCadger]

School are very aware (senco, 1-1 and teacher ) they comforted him as much as they could and agree that it's very unfair and mean. xx

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Ah, yes...

Dd is in the process of selecting ten kids for her party. It's like Sophie's choice here. I can't stand it.

[BarbarianMum]

BuntCadger a friend of ds1's has HFA. Reception, Y1 and Y2 of primary were traumatic for him to say the least. His parents were considering all options - different schools, HE, flexischooling. Huge amount of stress and tears all round.

He is now in Y4 still at the same school and happy. It's not always plain sailing (recalling one delightful supply teacher) but it's 1000x better than previously. He and ds1 are still 'sort of' friends (the sort of being due to different years and enthusiasm about football rather than anything autism-related).

Not saying HE won't be best for your ds, just wanted you to know that school may not always be so hard for/on him.

[WooWooOwl]

The OP says that the party she hosted for her ds was a whole class party, not that Harry's was a whole class party.

Unfortunately children talk about their parties all the time, even when they are ten months away, and a PP (sorry, can't remember who) was spot on when she said 'you're invited to my party' actually means 'I want to be friends with you today'. It works the other way with 'you can't come to my party' as well, often just meaning 'I don't want to play the same game as you right now'.

It's just what children do because they are still learning how to manage social stuff, and parties are important to them.

[MerryMarigold]

Worra, even if it wasn't a whole class party, from the invitation to play it is clear the parents are not 'up' for this friendship.

[BuntCadger]

I'm going to have to think of a super special treat for ds2. stuff 'harrys' parents

[BitOutOfPractice]

Oh heck OP that has made me well up on behalf of your DS

I think your text was very measured and calm I would have ripped her a new one

[formerbabe]

I think its very mean but, playing devils advocate for a moment..

Op...you said your ds gets very attached to a couple of his friends. Maybe the mother was concerned it would be a bit too intense for her son and he would then shoulder too much responsibility for your ds's happiness at school?

[WorraLiberty]

BuntCadger could you clarify please?

[PeachyTheSanctiMoanyArse]

Consider looking around for Base provision.

My 2 diagnosed boys are all academically able. They could not cope with MS schools though, and we had no idea what to do. I started studying and met the head teachers of two Base schools the LEA did not tell people about due to over subscription. DS3 was in a generic one within months- full academic education, with specialist support. Thrived, goes to a specialist ASD one for comp in September. DS1 moved to one at high school age and has gone from unteachable to a university prospect.

Base provision is ideal for so many of our children but far too rare (there were several kids for each place here), and not advertised when it does exist. it's good enough that we'd stay here and not move home to Somerset because we'd lose it.

[BuntCadger]

Thank you barbarian . its good to hear. ds2 only does 5 sessions as moment. current school is fab but it's not a primary. The head teacher has said that in her honest opinion there aren't any state schools with the right nurturing environment ds2 needs and that special school isn't suited to him as very high functioning and doesn't have extreme behavioural issues. she said if her child she would HE and she hopes the statement will help us in doing this (or whatever is best for ds2). its so overwhelming tho x

[BuntCadger]

whole class from what I understand worral.

[MillyJones]

It would seem that it is not about the party though, the other Mum has declined a play date too. As I said before, she hasn't been rude in her text, she has just said to leave it for now. Maybe she doesn't want to upset you by telling you what has happened as she feels uncomfortable. As I said before, I know its heartbreaking for you and your little boy but it is the way of the world ( and all that) and it is something he needs to get used to for his survival in the bigger world. I know that doesn't make it any easier at this stage but what doesn't kills us makes us stronger.

[BuntCadger]

peachy - I've never heard of base provision. is that specifically SEN? x

[Aeroflotgirl]

How awful for your ds, not very nice of the boy to rub it in like that. I am astonished of the cruelty of parents. Mabey Harry dident want your ds at his party, or it was a small one with just close friends. I would be devastated in your position, my dd7 is HFA, but she hates parties. I would be devastated if this happened to her. I wouldent confront the parent, just cool off the friendship, no invites to party or playdates, and mabey your ds can join out of school activities and make different friends.

Actually, the mums reply to your text about a play date says it all really, and then the lack of invitation to the party.

[SaucyJack]

The whole class party was for the OP's son.

OP- are you sure you're not being over-sensitive about this? My DD is year 2 and they all "invite" each other to parties or to tea most weeks. Never materializes into reality tho. I'm sure "Harry" just got a bit over-excited.

[BuntCadger]

milly - there have been no issues between boys at school. actually ds2 hasn't had any issues with other children. its handwriting and directed activities that are the issue.

ds2 has never had a play date.

[MillyJones]

And I wasn't trying to be harsh with that OP, just that he has some hard knocks in front of him with regards to friendships and kids can be very very cruel so him developing some coping strategies to deal with things like this is a good thing.

[WorraLiberty]

From what you understand?

I'm sorry OP I can totally see why you're upset but if it wasn't a whole class party, the text you sent really will not do your child an favours.

You really should have hung back, calmed down and found out for definite.

Please don't become 'that' parent because you'll end up alienating your child from the rest of the class.

And I can see you're desperately trying to do the exact opposite

[BuntCadger]

pressed send too soon. never had a play date with school friends. has friends out of school tho

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

I hope the other mum sends some sort of response and doesn't just ignore you.

I hope DS is ok.

[Latraviata]

Its shit op. My eldest dc has not been invited to a party for years either-he simply is'nt popular at school. He has'nt got any real friends either and though it does'nt seem to bother him,it makes me

I think in this situation if my child was the only child who was excluded then I would have to say something although I am sure it would be horribly difficult.

[MillyJones]

Sorry, I meant that maybe something has happened when the two boys have been playing together at your sons party. As for something happening at school, you don't really know with that. Teachers cant be everywhere at once and something could have occurred that "Harry" was unhappy about.

[MerryMarigold]

Worra, even if it was just all the boys, or even if it was 90% of the boys, it is still not on. It is clear from their text regarding playing that they don't want OP's ds to have a friendship with their son. Goodness knows why, some people are weird when they don't understand something and I doubt they understand autism.