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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask your opinion of who should look after our sick toddler this weekend?

63 replies

PuffyPigeon · 03/04/2014 09:30

Dd, almost 2, has had a sickness bug for the past two days. I've been looking after her and other dd all day and night, dh has been working. Older dd is at her fathers this weekend, my dissertation is due on Tuesday and the plan is dh was going to look after our toddler and have his dc at his mum's so I can work in peace. I'm behind on my dissertation because last time dh was due to have dd so I could work he took on some over time, he's back at work on Monday.

If he takes dd then his dc will probably catch the bug so usually we'd try and keep them separate. Contact is court ordered and his ex is not amicable at all so no negotiations are possible. If I kept dd to avoid dsc getting the bug I could apply for an extension but I'm not guaranteed to get it, plus dh is away next weekend for a pre-paid stag weekend so I wouldn't have any time to do it anyway.

Who do you think should care for dd?

OP posts:
haveyourselfashandy · 03/04/2014 15:36

Your DH definitely needs to let his exw know your dd has a bug,it's up to her then wether she sends them to you.
Also agree with pp who said he seems to do what he wants and you deal with the consequences.If you can get an extension then he needs to not go next weekend...Your education is FAR more important than a stag do.

WooWooOwl · 03/04/2014 15:45

I think it would be very selfish to send a sick child to stay with the older, non resident children. Presumably they get limited contact time with their dad and would prefer not to spend it stuck in with a sick sibling. As well as the obvious point that that they might get sick too, especially right before the holiday.

Really you should look after her and get an extension if you really can't work with her around. Contact with non resident children has to be a family's priority, well over and above coursework.

Sometimes this stuff happens when you have children who are going to have older half siblings, and you just have to suck it up for sake of the other children who don't deserve to feel less important that their new step mother and siblings.

Gen35 · 03/04/2014 16:15

Seriously? One weekend a sick child must be cared for by the mum despite the consequences to op's course? Totally crazy. Op I hope your DH has sorted this out by now.

WooWooOwl · 03/04/2014 16:24

What about the consequential feelings of the children who are being made to come second to a new wife and a new sibling?

Totally crazy in my mind to think it's ok to either risk children being ill or tell then that their time with their dad is less important than someone else's course.

It's not the older children's fault they have a sick sibling, it's not their responsibility to worry about a course that has no effect on them or their lives. But the sick child and the course are both things that are the OPs responsibility, therefore she should deal with those things without affecting other people's children. The DH has some responsibility for the sick child obviously, but on that particular weekend, his priority should be the children that don't get to live with him rather than the one that does.

LayMeDown · 03/04/2014 16:28

Well your DH just wants it all his own way doesn't he?
Work overtime instead of taking DD so you can work. To see his other children without even attempting to rearrange but without sick DD in tow. To go on a stag weekend rather than you getting an extension.
What is his solution to this issue? If he decides to expose his other children to DD and they get sick well it's his issue to deal with his ex not yours? Or if he doesn't want to take dd is he prepared to cancel his stag?
This is his problem. He has committed to minding DD it's up to him to resolve it.

Gen35 · 03/04/2014 16:33

Yes but it's one weekend with very important consequences for op. His dc and their relationship isn't going to stand or fall based on one weekend where op has to work.

WooWooOwl · 03/04/2014 16:41

It doesn't matter if the relationship will 'stand or fall' over one weekend. If it makes the older children feel like they are less important than their sibling and their step mother because they are being put last on this one weekend that they get to spend with their Dad (bearing in mind that the DH is 'unavailable' for the next couple of weeks) then that should be enough reason for any parent not to want to do it.

It is not only the DHs responsibility, things change when children get sick because it is something that can't be planned for.

It's sickening how so many people think children from a first marriage matter so little.

LayMeDown · 03/04/2014 16:54

It's part of being a family. His older children are part of the family even if they are non resident. This means they have to accommodate younger siblings including when they are ill. It means sometimes things have to change at short notice.
I agree seeing his children is important but it can be done around his sick younger child or the following weekend if they can rearrange and he cancels his stag. I think if something has to give so he sees his kids,it should be a stag rather than the OPs college course.

Gen35 · 03/04/2014 16:54

We are going to have to agree to disagree about how important one weekend's visit is over an entire university course. The proposition isn't 'should children from a first marriage matter' and op is concerned about them possibly getting sick. Everyone has to be reasonable. It's not reasonable to stuff a university course over this, imo.

WooWooOwl · 03/04/2014 16:59

I completely agree that the course comes before the stag, obviously! But as the mother of children whose father has a younger child, I strongly feel that the father has to always do all he can never to allow his first children to feel like second best. And if that means the mother of subsequent children has to make sacrifices then so be it. She knew about the commitment her partner already had when they chose to have a new child, and she chose to commit to the first children too.

It is incredibly selfish to put those children in a position where they might get needlessly ill, or where they might have to wait at least another week to see their own Dad.

WooWooOwl · 03/04/2014 17:01

Perhaps the OP should try and get as much work done as she can with her dd around, and get her extension, and the DH should take a couple of days off work during the week.

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 03/04/2014 17:07

Woowoo you do seem to hold a grudge over NRPs. All of his children should be of equal importance, not in birth order. His older children would completely understand if aware of the position and wouldn't feel rejected, sometimes it's adults that project such feelings on them when actually kids are much more realistic and logical. What if his mum wasn't around? Would you expect my dc and I to leave so his dc could come over and not get ill? Dsc should be treated equally imo and that means sibling share illnesses at times. However, it is reasonable to try and avoid this by changing contact if possible.

If I don't complete my dissertation by the deadline it means I can't graduate til winter and thereby delays my subsequent training course. We are having the dsc for 9 days following their holiday.

OP posts:
Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 03/04/2014 17:08

He can't take days off at such short notice, unfortunately.

OP posts:
Suzyjane1 · 03/04/2014 17:09

I agree that the stag do doesn't even come into the equation! So what if it's pre paid?! So is you're degree.. Give him the choice. The onus is on him.

Suzyjane1 · 03/04/2014 17:09

*your

WooWooOwl · 03/04/2014 17:11

I don't hold a grudge over NRPs at all. I'm just glad that the one my children have would never put his second family over and above his first.

NancyJones · 03/04/2014 17:13

Does he have to go to his mum's? Can he not have the kids at home or rearrange contact? I really wouldn't want my child catching a tummy bug if we were going away. It's a tricky one. How old is dsd? Can she not spend the day with her granny of even the morning? Then the pm with her dad whilst your dd sleeps?

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 03/04/2014 17:13

How is offering to have them but try to avoid them catching it or avoid them catching it by swapping dates putting our dd first? It's just common sense.

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 03/04/2014 17:16

Because they won't be able to do the same things with a sick child around that they would be able to do with a healthy child around. And because the fact is, they don't live together. These are not siblings that have to share illness through necessity, they would be sharing illness in this case because of your needs, not theirs.

NancyJones · 03/04/2014 17:19

How old is dsd? As I said, can't she spend the morning with granny then see dad in the afternoon? That would at least give you the morning to work and possibly the afternoon too if she naps.

WilsonFrickett · 03/04/2014 17:22

I think you have to take yourself off to the library at the weekend and leave it to DH to sort out all the children's needs. I think it's perfectly acceptable that your need to finish off your dissertation takes priority for one week. If the XP can't be flexible over contact then that is her choice - I'm all for consistency and I know it's a pita when contact days change etc, but in this case there's a high chance the older children will get sick if they spend time with DD, so its in her interest to be flexible.

LayMeDown · 03/04/2014 17:22

I think it's unfair to suggest the OP and her H are prioritising second family over first. They are just trying to get a solution that works for all their family. Sacrificing her university degree so that SCs are not exposed to a sick sibling is hugely disproportionate in my opinion.
I also don't agree that SC should have to put up with a sick half sibling in case it ruin their fun. Like I said that's family life. They'll still be spending time with their Dad which is the point of contact isn't it? Not how much fun activities you can pack into that time. IMO contact time should be normal family time accommodating everyone not just the non resident siblings.

LayMeDown · 03/04/2014 17:23
  • shouldn't
whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 03/04/2014 17:24

They are both his children. If they were both living with you, you wouldn't expect to keep them completely separate just because one of them was ill. By keeping them apart it is surely enhancing the 'differenceness' between the siblings.

ikeaismylocal · 03/04/2014 17:31

I think it would be very unfair on the step children to expose them to this bug, either you should look after your dd and dp should go and be with the step kids or dp should ask his ex if you can cancel the contact.

It's your own fault really for leaving your dissertation until the last minute. What do you intend on doing if you or dp catch the bug?

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