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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask your opinion of who should look after our sick toddler this weekend?

63 replies

PuffyPigeon · 03/04/2014 09:30

Dd, almost 2, has had a sickness bug for the past two days. I've been looking after her and other dd all day and night, dh has been working. Older dd is at her fathers this weekend, my dissertation is due on Tuesday and the plan is dh was going to look after our toddler and have his dc at his mum's so I can work in peace. I'm behind on my dissertation because last time dh was due to have dd so I could work he took on some over time, he's back at work on Monday.

If he takes dd then his dc will probably catch the bug so usually we'd try and keep them separate. Contact is court ordered and his ex is not amicable at all so no negotiations are possible. If I kept dd to avoid dsc getting the bug I could apply for an extension but I'm not guaranteed to get it, plus dh is away next weekend for a pre-paid stag weekend so I wouldn't have any time to do it anyway.

Who do you think should care for dd?

OP posts:
HughJarrs · 03/04/2014 09:33

I'd send her with DH anyway. Bug will probably be gone by then anyway and, even if not and the other DCs get it, the long term effects of not finishing your dissertation are greater than a bit of puke. Obviously with the disclaimer that everyone is fit and healthy, no extra needs or health issues

RedHelenB · 03/04/2014 09:34

He takes dd, she shouldn't be contagious by then. If she is still being sick then I think she would be happier at home - surely she'd be ok watching telly while you got on with work?

NewNameForSpring · 03/04/2014 09:36

What a nightmare. Poor you.

I agree with Hugh above. Your DH should definitely look after her. Sounds like he is not pulling his weight generally and it is time he supported you apart from anything else.

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 03/04/2014 10:02

She's still being sick and is worse today if anything. He's due to collect dsc from school tomorrow. Dsc are on holiday next week so exW will be furious if they get ill as it'll spoil their holiday, they're old enough to tell her dd was ill. Dd would be happier at home but is clingy and cuddly and definitely wouldn't sit watching tv all weekend.

OP posts:
Gen35 · 03/04/2014 10:06

you have to think of the long term consequences and knuckle down to the dissertation. Send dh an email or text clearly setting expectations. It's only Thursday so dd may be a lot better by sat, but in any case, you can't mess with a dissertation due, especially as he's away next weekend so you've got no prospect of help then even if you get an extension, which you could so be penalised on marks for. So what if the other dc get sick? It's part of having dc.

anklebitersmum · 03/04/2014 10:13

Send her with DH. I guess it's not ideal due to the older one's impending holiday but then neither is that fact that the ex won't negotiate.

If he wasn't going elsewhere so you could do your dissertaion then they'd be around DD anyway and there wouldn't be a choice so I don't see that the ex is in a position to have an issue to be honest.

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 03/04/2014 10:19

Well in an ideal world he'll tell exW dd is ill and they'd renegotiate. He could tell her in the hope she'd negotiate so as not to spoil the holiday but there's no guarantees and she could just stop contact until the next court date.

OP posts:
pricklyPea · 03/04/2014 11:30

I know contact is court ordered but if I was the ex wife I'd be pretty annoyed at my kids being exposed to a bug they could have avoided. If I was her I'd say I'll keep dsc and renegotiate the contact but by the sounds of it she's not reasonable?

You being behind on your dissertation to be frank is not her fault but I understand the frustration.

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 03/04/2014 11:36

Yes prickly I'd be annoyed if I was her too. We could give various other dates to have dsc but I don't know if she'd swap, dh doesn't want to mention it but I think not mentioning it will make her more angry and more likely to be difficult in future.

OP posts:
StanleyLambchop · 03/04/2014 11:38

Could his Mum look after your DD and your DP take his children out for the whole day, so the amount of time the children are actually mixing with each other is minimised? Agree with the others you need to get your work done, have you loads to do yet, or is it just 'finishing off'? Tuesday seems like a very tight deadline!

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 03/04/2014 11:47

Loads Stanley, that's why Friday til Sunday would've been perfect. Dd isn't used to mil so unlikely to settle, especially when poorly plus mil is recovering from an operation so would find it difficult to care for her.

OP posts:
anklebitersmum · 03/04/2014 11:49

Puffypigeon It's awkward all round been there got that t-shirt

Chances are that DD'll be better by tomorrow and if you cancel in anticipation of illness being an issue it'll be seen as cancelling because it's not convenient for you the wicked, self involved step mum and will therefore prove problematic in the future despite your best intentions.

Just read that Mil is recovering from an op? Maybe you should cancel DD going for Mil's sake then if she's still poorly?

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 03/04/2014 11:51

Mil is immobile so could be kept away from dd

OP posts:
AnnieOats · 03/04/2014 11:51

I think you need to let exw know and if she can keep her dsc but doesn't then it can't be helped if they're ill next week. I would just get your dh to try and not let them get too close to each other and do plenty of hand washing!

doglover33 · 03/04/2014 11:53

I would look after my dc shes clingy so she obviously wants her mum.. so whats your problem surely your dc is more important.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/04/2014 11:59

Isn't your DD the one whose tummy upset is more likely to be due to her awful father than anything infectious?

anklebitersmum · 03/04/2014 12:00

aaaah, fair enough Smile

In that case I'd let DH step up to bat.

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 03/04/2014 13:09

Annie it's not that she wouldn't keep them, it's that she wouldn't replace contact and may actually stop it altogether for not putting them first.

Doglover my 'problem' is I've spent years of work and thousands of pounds on my degree and don't want to fail it. Hardly unreasonable Hmm

Solid it's younger dd who's ill, not my dd that post was about.

OP posts:
ellenjames · 03/04/2014 13:22

why the hell would you send a child with a bug round to mil house when she is post op?? Regardless of her being immobile she could still get the bug! Sorry but your dh needs to cancel kids or you have to have your dd

dunsborough · 03/04/2014 13:23

Can you go to the library while your DH has the children at home?

MrRected · 03/04/2014 13:27

Sending your dd to spend time with your dsc knowing they are going on holiday next week - well that is just plain inconsiderate. It's not your dp's ex's fault or problem.

IMO you need to keep dd with you. Take her to the doctor, get a cert, then apply for an extension - you will have to pull a rabbit out of a hat and work some crazy hours. That's life.

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 03/04/2014 13:34

Mil had an op on her toe, nothing serious. She's away from Saturday afternoon anyway.

When do you propose I work these 'crazy hours' MrRected? After this weekend dh isn't available to look after dd for over two weeks, even if I got an extension it'd only be for a week. I'm also pregnant so finding working into the night physically impossible

OP posts:
Gen35 · 03/04/2014 13:46

Plus huge investment in studying you have to put first. In the real world people can't risk 1000s of pounds of educational investment. It is your DH's problem, not yours. Put your foot down. Either he has dd and gives ex-w the option of not giving the dc or not. Just tell him to sort it out and do your work.

HughJarrs · 03/04/2014 13:51

OK so you are behind on this because DH worked on the dates you planned to use before, the problem is regarding his DCs this weekend and next weekend is out due to a social event he has planned. Why don't you give your DH the full implications of both choices, make him make the choice of this weekend or next and make it clear you expect him to step up as you are in this situation due to his decision on overtime previously. Tell him if he can't make suitable arrangements for DD this weekend he will have to cancel his stag do next week

Sounds to me like he does want he wants and you pay the price

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 03/04/2014 14:33

I think that your DH should speak to his ex and ask her what she wants to do as your DD is sick. She may decide not to send her 2 or she may send then anyway. Either way DH should look after the youngest DD while you work. If his ex sends her DDs knowing their half sister is sick then that's on her head and DH should look after them all together.

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