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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset by this?

100 replies

VeryUpsetRightNow · 02/04/2014 21:38

First of all I'm going through a rough time right now and am feeling very weepy anyways so I'm not sure if I'm overreacting and I might be. You can tell me if I am.

A bit of background - I have Aspergers syndrome however I would say I'm pretty good at covering it up as I have good coping mechanisms in place. Usually most people would never be able to tell that I have it, sometimes I might come across as a bit odd and quirky but that's it. However because of my Aspergers syndrome I do struggle a lot in social situations - the way it is for me is that I often don't always know what's appropriate to say or when it's my turn to speak and have had some problems in the past where I've just said what's on my mind and upset or offended people. I get around that simply by staying quiet until I can get a feel of where I am and can then start mimicking other people. This of course leads some people to think I'm shy which I'm okay with as I'd rather that than saying what I think and then upsetting someone.

Anyway, I started my new job in January and I thought I was doing pretty well. As usual I've been spending a good portion of my time figuring out the social rules in this environment so haven't really been conversing much until recently however it's not a social job anyway so my boss and the woman who has been working alongside me and who has essentially been my mentor has said this doesn't actually matter.

There's a woman who pops in from another department every now and again and she usually stops for a chat with a couple of people before she leaves. I haven't spoken to her though - I'm usually at my desk working. So today she pops along and again I'm working at my desk. She talked to a few people first and then walked up to me and I, thinking she wants me to do something, asked what I can do for her. She then smiled and went "so you do talk!" Before I'd had a chance to answer she then turned to the man who sits opposite me and said "she can talk after all. I've never heard her talk, I thought she was a mute. So what's wrong with her then? Is she foreign? Is she shy or what?"

I think this upset me because she sounded like she was mocking me and I don't like the fact she asked him this rather than me. She then spent the next ten minutes trying to engage me in conversation, all the while throwing comments in here and there about how shy I was and trying to sit next to me (which made me panic slightly as I don't like people getting close to me and touching me, etc) but she just laughed at how panicked I was. She only stopped when the woman I mentioned above who I've been working with told her to clear off.

I then had to go to the toilets for a cry Blush, partly because of the stress of engaging in so much conversation like that unexpectedly and partly because things like this remind me how much I hate being the way I am and how much I wish I was normal.

I'm still upset about this now but not really sure if it's because of what happened and how people will always view me as odd or because I hate having this and not being normal.

I know I'm overreacting actually.

OP posts:
BlueLeaf · 03/04/2014 14:01

People like that are just awful, rude and have their own problems/reasons for being that way.

A nice response to 'why are you so quiet?' could be 'why are you so rude?'

Hope it goes well today, please update us when you can. You sound lovely and are not over reacting.

Objection · 03/04/2014 14:09

Oh my god, I'd have been in floods after that. What a scumbag.
Flowers OP, I hope you're okay.
You're in no way over reacting at all. Report this to your line manager/mentor who sounds supportive

SoleSource · 03/04/2014 14:58

Yanbu

What a insecure person she is! Nothing wrong with you at all. I bet you're a good person.

ShirakawaKaede · 03/04/2014 15:19

Hi Very, I just want to say that I've been through this too. I hated it. The worst thing is, it makes you even more uncomfortable talking to people as you get "she spoke!!!" Or you're assumed (for some reason; I don't get this) to have no sense of humour eg. "even Kaede laughed at that one!!"

I think you should speak to your manager/HR about this if you feel able to. Or you might feel more comfortable explaining the situation via email then talking to your manager about it (I would, I think).

People think they're being friendly (they're not; perhaps they just tell themselves that) or worse still take the opportunity to get a cheap laugh - going off on a tangent here, I remember when I was 11-ish being at girl guides and the whole group (20 or so) had to take it in turns to speak on tape in front of everyone. It got round to my turn. I sat there panicking and said nothing. Brown Owl then says "Kaede is our quietest guide" - cue everyone roaring with laughter. I don't think she meant to take the piss, but people do not consider that saying this stuff is hurtful and embarrassing.

And that's why this woman needs a wake-up call.

FauxFox · 03/04/2014 15:22

She sounds absolutely horrible!

You sound absolutely lovely.

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with ignorant idiots like this woman. Try not to let her upset you, she's the one in the wrong. Flowers Brew

ENormaSnob · 03/04/2014 15:27

You ok op?

Woman is thick as pig shit.

Take it further x

sunshinemmum · 03/04/2014 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sunshinemmum · 03/04/2014 15:34

This reply has been deleted

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SelectAUserName · 03/04/2014 15:43

OP, you shouldn't have to put up with this type of behaviour.

She is a bully. Speak to your mentor colleague tomorrow and secure her support in going to your boss about this. Explain what happened when this woman came to your office and show him the texts. Or copy and paste some of the content of your posts here into an email to him if that will be easier for you.

She should not be allowed to get away with this. Her behaviour was bullying, disablist and borderline racist. It was unprofessional, childish and hurtful. What is she doing wandering around chatting to all and sundry and disturbing others who are working diligently anyway - why isn't she at her desk doing the job she is paid for?

Unfortunately there are some so-called adults who persist in childish bullying behaviour because it's the only way they can make themselves look important or popular (in their minds).

SlimJiminy · 03/04/2014 16:10

You're definitely not being unreasonable op and it sounds like you have the support of other people at work, so try not to worry. Your colleagues might have been reluctant to speak up in front of her when it happened - lots of people avoid conflict - but my guess is that they'll be as disgusted as we are about this woman's behaviour and they'll want to see her suffer the consequences of being such an utter bitch to you. It's appalling and there's just no excuse for it. She clearly has far, FAR bigger problems than you when it comes to social situations. Hope the meeting between your mentor and your boss goes well Thanks

Sparrowlegs248 · 03/04/2014 16:45

She sounds like an ignorant bully, at best. From your post it sounded as though the woman you work alongside was being supportive though? If she wanted to speak to your boss about what this idiot has been saying.

I do hope you have had a better day today. Please do take this further, its really really not appropriate in any way.

Pumpkinpositive · 03/04/2014 16:51

What's wrong with her? Is she foreign?

Hmm

She sounds deeply unpleasant. I wouldn't waste a moment's thought on her (easier said than done, I know!)

Pawprint · 03/04/2014 16:52

Well, she sounds just delightful nasty fucking bitch

Deathwatchbeetle · 03/04/2014 16:56

I expect she makes a bit of a nuisance of herself and probably got frustrated that maybe other people don't want to chat to her as she was being disruptive so saw you as 'fresh meat'. If she bounces in again and tries to engage you, just say "sorry, I am quite busy" and turn away. If she does not get the hint, look her in the eyes and say "Please. Leave". That type are quite thick skinned. She can hardly complain about you. "I came in to waste everyone else's time and X did not want to chat to me".

I only get sarky about people not speaking when I am in a shop and the sales Assistant has not acknowedged me, given me the price etc. If someone did not want to chat at work I would back off as I hate people bouncing in, chattering when I want to get on with things.

If she asks again if you are foreign, deaf, a mute say "No, just selective".

Viviennemary · 03/04/2014 16:59

She is just an extremely rude, nasty and insensitive woman. Everyone knows that chatty people exist quite happily alongside quiet shy people.

zzzzz · 03/04/2014 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tznett · 03/04/2014 17:07

How rude! You've done nothing wrong at all. Being talkative is not compulsory and there are plenty of people who are quiet. You sound like a lovely thoughtful person. Thanks

annebullin · 03/04/2014 17:08

The other woman is a bigot and a bully. I hope you had a better day today OP.

PolterGoose · 03/04/2014 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scarletohello · 03/04/2014 17:26

She sounds like a horrible ignorant cow! I'm so sorry you've had to experience that. I hope all the supportive messages on here have helped you. Go into work with your head held high, I'm sure you have lots of strengths and gifts that this horrible woman doesn't have. Bullies are always fundamentally insecure about themselves as people with true self esteem just have no need to put othes down.

Hugs to you.

ouryve · 03/04/2014 22:49

One of you is lacking in social skills, OP.

That person is not you.

You sound quiet and conscientious and quite lovely.

She sounds like a boorish attention seeker.

RinkyDinkyDoo · 03/04/2014 22:53

Thanks you are doing fine, she is unpleasant. Try not to worry.x

PinkLemons · 03/04/2014 22:56

God what a bitch! The fact your mentor wants you to speak to management and has texted you says volumes about who is the "weirdo" here!

You have done nothing wrong. She is just a prize bitch.

Gruntfuttock · 04/04/2014 13:49

How are things at work today OP? I hope you are OK.

PerhapsNot · 04/04/2014 15:13

What an awful woman Shock. I hope it works out for you OP. This really isn't about your aspergers it's about her being an awful woman. Sad
Please, please try not to let this bother you. I know that's hard but people like her are not worth it.

Sorry if it's already been suggested but can you write everything down. Word for word if possible. Also, is it possible to talk this over with fiends or family - sometimes a good moan or cry with someone supportive can really help.

Good luck. Flowers

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