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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset by this?

100 replies

VeryUpsetRightNow · 02/04/2014 21:38

First of all I'm going through a rough time right now and am feeling very weepy anyways so I'm not sure if I'm overreacting and I might be. You can tell me if I am.

A bit of background - I have Aspergers syndrome however I would say I'm pretty good at covering it up as I have good coping mechanisms in place. Usually most people would never be able to tell that I have it, sometimes I might come across as a bit odd and quirky but that's it. However because of my Aspergers syndrome I do struggle a lot in social situations - the way it is for me is that I often don't always know what's appropriate to say or when it's my turn to speak and have had some problems in the past where I've just said what's on my mind and upset or offended people. I get around that simply by staying quiet until I can get a feel of where I am and can then start mimicking other people. This of course leads some people to think I'm shy which I'm okay with as I'd rather that than saying what I think and then upsetting someone.

Anyway, I started my new job in January and I thought I was doing pretty well. As usual I've been spending a good portion of my time figuring out the social rules in this environment so haven't really been conversing much until recently however it's not a social job anyway so my boss and the woman who has been working alongside me and who has essentially been my mentor has said this doesn't actually matter.

There's a woman who pops in from another department every now and again and she usually stops for a chat with a couple of people before she leaves. I haven't spoken to her though - I'm usually at my desk working. So today she pops along and again I'm working at my desk. She talked to a few people first and then walked up to me and I, thinking she wants me to do something, asked what I can do for her. She then smiled and went "so you do talk!" Before I'd had a chance to answer she then turned to the man who sits opposite me and said "she can talk after all. I've never heard her talk, I thought she was a mute. So what's wrong with her then? Is she foreign? Is she shy or what?"

I think this upset me because she sounded like she was mocking me and I don't like the fact she asked him this rather than me. She then spent the next ten minutes trying to engage me in conversation, all the while throwing comments in here and there about how shy I was and trying to sit next to me (which made me panic slightly as I don't like people getting close to me and touching me, etc) but she just laughed at how panicked I was. She only stopped when the woman I mentioned above who I've been working with told her to clear off.

I then had to go to the toilets for a cry Blush, partly because of the stress of engaging in so much conversation like that unexpectedly and partly because things like this remind me how much I hate being the way I am and how much I wish I was normal.

I'm still upset about this now but not really sure if it's because of what happened and how people will always view me as odd or because I hate having this and not being normal.

I know I'm overreacting actually.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 03/04/2014 01:52

Very you're doing BRILLIANTLY. This woman is obviously a complete cow. Don't let her grind you down, not when you're doing so, so well.

You're being very brave, you're obviously conscientious and you are not over reacting in the slightest. She sounds like he office bully and, as with all bullies, they are weak and pathetic and you WILL rise above this. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for - look at the way you've pursued this job, despite obviously being rather uncomfortable at times. You obviously have allies, which proves that it isn't you, it's her. Your colleague wouldn't have told her to clear off if she was a nice, normal, caring person.

You can hold your head high, I promise x

kickassangel · 03/04/2014 02:07

It sounds like possibly they are attempting to give this woman a formal warning or even get rid of her. Try not to dwell on her, she really is out of order and not doing her job if she is wasting time chatting at work.

Try to stay calm. Maybe prepare what you want to say and write it down if you think it will be too hard to say.

Your boss and supervisor sound great an very supportive. Be polite and thank them for that and remind yourself that it is this woman, not you, who is the weird one. Her behavior really is beyond normal workplace expectations, whereas yours is totally acceptable.

YNK · 03/04/2014 02:19

I agree with misc and pr - this is bullying!
Does your work have a bullying policy?

BillyBanter · 03/04/2014 02:25

This is about her and her issues, not you.

Hopefully your boss will sort it out.

Morloth · 03/04/2014 02:36

You are not the weirdo in this situation.

UncleT · 03/04/2014 08:49

Absolutely appalling behaviour on that woman's part. You're completely within your rights to be upset by it all, you really should report it. This I say not least because it is the only likely way of ensuring a repeat at some point is avoided.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 03/04/2014 09:20

It sounds as if the woman you work with is completely on your side and has taken note of how inappropriate the other woman is being and is going to discuss it with your boss. I think that your close colleagues sound very supportive and you should try (I know that's hard) not to worry about it too much.

You are not a 'weirdo' Thanks

pluCaChange · 03/04/2014 09:21

She's shot herself in the foot, then. Trying to get others to agree with her put-downs makes her look the small one, not you.

You may not trust your social skills, but let your analytical skills reassure you: she's not a productive worker (so they can't be desperate to keep her), she buggers everyone else's productivity (having a go st you was probably to "punish" you for not going along with her time-wasting, and slso to remind other people what they might suffer if they "make" her allow her to look foolish). She's now raising a shitstorm, to remind everyone thst she's much "sweeter" if she's alliwed ti slack off pleasantly. But raising shitstorms and bullying colleagues are disciplinary matters, and she's really miscalculated here.

Booboostoo · 03/04/2014 09:31

She is a racist, disablist bully. You are entirely within your rights to put in a complaint against her and I hope your boss supports you and deals with this in a constructive manner.

If she comes near you again just be abrupt and dismissive - she deserves it.

ConfusedPixie · 03/04/2014 09:35

Gosh, I'd feel the same way s you and haven't got aspergers! Good luck for today, she was totally in the wrong. If say that you should tall to your boss and mentor about it too. What a twat that woman is!

everlong · 03/04/2014 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AMillionNameChangesLater · 03/04/2014 09:36

I don't know if she is disablist as such, as she doesn't know. But she is a cunt. I definitely agree to that.

I hope today goes well for you

Booboostoo · 03/04/2014 09:52

She doesn't know the OP has Aspergers but the 'are you mute?' comment is clearly disablist. The OP could have had a speech impediment or communicate via sign language or be unable to speak for all she knows. In addition, suggesting someone is a mute for not wanting to talk to you is offensive to people with communication disabilities.

Floggingmolly · 03/04/2014 09:57

Complain to HR Shock. The other woman sounds like a bloody simpleton, tbh, with the manners and social graces of a pig.
You do not have to accept that sort of shite from anyone.

AnonymousBird · 03/04/2014 10:07

OP, you are not overreacting and you have the backing of your colleague. Clearly the other employees felt awkward with her attitude as well.

Good luck with it, stand your ground, you are in the right and being mistreated and bullied so your employer has to take you seriously.

Please let us know how you get on, I am so cross for you that you have had to put up with this at your place of work. She should be subject to disciplinary measures for her entirely unacceptable behaviour.

SidneyBristow · 03/04/2014 10:08

Another vote of support for you from me OP. You sound lovely and must already be a valued employee for this horrible bully to be so threatened by you. Why should it matter to her so much that you're quiet? It sounds to me like your coworkers really like you and want to protect you - please speak to HR. Don't let it knock your confidence or your pleasure in your new job - there are bullies everywhere, and it sounds like this one is about to get her comeuppance.

everlong · 03/04/2014 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

everlong · 03/04/2014 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blithereens · 03/04/2014 10:40

Oh, sweetheart. No, YANBU. She sounds like a shocker and you sound lovely Thanks

MammaTJ · 03/04/2014 10:46

The fact that you have coped well with your job so far should tell you that you are far from not being normal.

I am social and outgoing, but I would have struggled with this woman.

She is the one who is out of order and it sounds as though you have support from the person you have been working alongside at least. I am sure from the manager who gave you the job too.

AMillionNameChangesLater · 03/04/2014 10:47

Must have missed that part, trying unsuccessfully to multi task.

then she is a disablist cunt

lionheart · 03/04/2014 10:57

OP I think this would upset anyone. The woman is a bully.

Glad that the other woman who works alongside you wants to help. Maybe it will help the others who just let this happen develop a bit more of a backbone.

edwinbear · 03/04/2014 13:47

She is a bully and I expect that this is not her first episode. Clearly your collegues feel uncomfortable around her and I suspect they have probably witnessed her behaving like this before, possibly why the lady you work with is keen to report her. I hope and expect, that you will get all the support and backing you deserve.

aworkingmummy · 03/04/2014 13:54

Aspergers or not, a lot of people would find this situation uncomfortable. She sounds a vile bitch. YANBU.

minibmw2010 · 03/04/2014 13:59

She is very clearly a bully and your mentor colleague has spotted this and her behaviour to you and is obviously not going to allow it to continue. Your mentor has your back so please don't feel too uncomfortable or worried about it all. You should like you're doing brilliantly there, keep believing in yourself.

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