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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My pain in the arse mother in law !!

28 replies

mybabiesforever · 02/04/2014 17:02

Need a little advise from anyone whos been in my shoes.

I have been with my huaband for 7 year's married for nearly 4 we have two children under 3.

my husband's mother came to see our son when he was born when went in a huff about something and never seen our son again till he was 6 months old after my husband begged me to try hard to get along so for him I did. we then moved to another part of town 10 mins away and she stopped seeig him again she also found out I had a miscarriage and never said a word about it. she never came to our houae in two years I then feel pregnant with my dd so my husband begged me again to make it better between us so I did again. my sons been going through aome issues ...possible autism....and shes never asked about hia test or how hes getting we moved 6 months ago to right round the corner from her I have invited her round made her welcome but shes made no effort in 4 months not a call nothing. for mother's day when I kindly went to drop of her gift of a big bunch of tulips she informed me that the rest if her family gave her photo on canvase of all her grandchildren ...my children weren't in it the next morning ahe phoned to say she doesn't like tulips ......its constantly like this dig after dig not making an effort with the kids so I told my husband that's it shes not welcome at my home and I don't want her near my children !! ....husband has begged me to give her a last chance but I just cant ppl have walked in and out off my life and its heart breaking every time I don't want that for my babies.

anyway it seems my husband loves his mother more than me and the kids so hes walked out on us !! so now I would like to know how I can stop his mum seeibg the kids can that be part of our custody agreement ?? what rights does he and his mum have ?? I want full custody with him getting visit at home only can I do that ??

sorry to go on. any help would be appreciated :-)
thanks Em x

OP posts:

ExitPursuedByABear · 02/04/2014 17:05

He has left you and you are posting about your mil?

gordyslovesheep · 02/04/2014 17:09

you want to deny your children a relationship with their grandmother because you don't like her?

YABU

Original poster

mybabiesforever · 02/04/2014 17:09

He's an idiot but an idiot I can handle. She's vindictive and I know she's going to fight me all the way now her son is in side.

OP posts:

HowContraryMary · 02/04/2014 17:12

so now I would like to know how I can stop his mum seeibg the kids can that be part of our custody agreement ??

Nope you cant do that

what rights does he and his mum have ??

His mum has no rights, he has the same rights as you

I want full custody with him getting visit at home only can I do that ??

No such thing as custody, residency starts at a 50/50 split. Unless he's an abusive drug addict who is prone to slapping you about - you don't get to say where he sees his children and you cant demand they stay at your house

My advice? Unless you want your children to HATE YOU stop trying to use them as weapons.

Original poster

mybabiesforever · 02/04/2014 17:13

It's not that I don't like her... she a vile woman. she told me once that me and the kids have ruined her pure Scottish family bloodline and that we should feel privileged that my huaband "accepted" my English blood .......would you want you kids around that.

OP posts:

EllaFitzgerald · 02/04/2014 17:14

What kind of relationship will your children be able to establish with their father if he's only allowed to see them in your home? What happens when/if you both meet someone new and move on? How will that work?

gordyslovesheep · 02/04/2014 17:14

My advice? Unless you want your children to HATE YOU stop trying to use them as weapons

Whereisegg · 02/04/2014 17:14

I don't think you can do anything like that tbh.
You can't limit him to only seeing his dc in your house or dictate who they see when they are with him under the circumstances you have described.

Topseyt · 02/04/2014 17:15

Perhaps he couldn't take anymore of being caught in the middle between you and his mother.

Does the fact that you seem more bothered about the situation with your MIL mean that he feels reduced to a sideshow? You do sound more bothered about your spats with her than you are about him.

I don't understand what you and she are really squabbling about, or perhaps you just simply don't click.

Your husband is the other parent and presumably named on the children's birth certificates. That gives him parental rights I believe. Not sure you could stop him taking them to his mother's house without good reason though. You would need proper legal advice there.

HowContraryMary · 02/04/2014 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

almondcake · 02/04/2014 17:17

I think there are two separate issues, your husband and your MIL.

There is no reason at all why your husband should agree that he is only going to visit the kids in their home. He should be able to take them out where he wants to, have them to visit where he lives, and take them to visit his mother. She hasn't actually done anything so terrible to the kids that you have grounds for him to be able to see them only if he doesn't take them to visit her.

In terms of your MIL, it is awful when a grandparent sometimes wants to see kids and sometimes won't see them for months on end, or favours one set of grandchildren over another. It really isn't fair on the kids. But there isn't actually anything you can do about that.

I'm not an expert - just my vague understanding of it.

SaucyJack · 02/04/2014 17:18

No advice, but she sounds like a hateful old witch. I totally get why it's not in your children's interests to have a grandmother like her.

MammaTJ · 02/04/2014 17:18

You should have just not made any effort or grand statements. She didn't bother, neither should you have done, and you would have been fine.

Bit late for that now, so you just have to put up with him letting her see them on her terms, without you. Harsh, but true.

Topseyt · 02/04/2014 17:18

.... and cross posted with others, who have advised that you cannot do as you wish and block his mum from seeing them. Good advice there, and my experience is somewhat limited I do admit.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 02/04/2014 17:22

Poor kids....

JustSpeakSense · 02/04/2014 17:22

OP you sound as if you are a very bitter lady

Original poster

mybabiesforever · 02/04/2014 17:23

I should explain further ....I only want my husband to visits at home because with my DS social and communication problems I am the only one he communes with. He also doesn't like new places.

I am bothered about my husband leaving but to honest its been a long time coming hes refuses to accept that our ds may have some difficulties. he refuses to go to appointments such as speech therapy or his assessments.

OP posts:

Whereisegg · 02/04/2014 17:28

Don't you think you should have mentioned that?!

Still I don't think you can dictate, your ex will have contact and he will learn to cope the same way you have.

almondcake · 02/04/2014 17:29

I think you need to go and get legal advice as soon as possible. I would say that if a parent will not accept that their child has social and communication problems that require speech therapy and other appointments, their ability to look after that child is compromised. And you need legal advice about that.

The MIL issue is really nowhere near as important as the issue with the father.

Sallyingforth · 02/04/2014 17:29

OP
It's very telling that you used the thread title and most of your post to complain about you mother-in-law, and then almost as an afterthought you mention that your husband has left you!

It seems that she is a more important issue than he is.

This is one of those situations where we need to hear the other side of the story (your husband's not your MiL's), because I think it would sound very different. For that reason I'm not going to offer any advice.

But I feel VERY sorry for your children. They are probably already suffering from all this hostility, and they most certainly will suffer in the future.

whomadeyougod · 02/04/2014 17:30

yanbu i would not want my kids anywhere near a vindictive old bat like that , she will chip away at them and play mind games , hope you can keep them away , good luck .

usualsuspectt · 02/04/2014 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MamaMumra · 02/04/2014 18:03

You are coming across as a bit U. Your DH leaving doesn't mean he loves his mum more than the children.

Stop obsessing over your MIL and concentrate on supporting your kids and acting in their best interests. Hope everything works out for you.

Scarbella2 · 02/04/2014 18:04

She sounds like a head wrecker and she has done exactly that- wrecked your head so now you are focused on her. Try to sort your thoughts out about her. I'm not really sure ow to do this, write them down maybe.
I have a medler of a mil too so I know how much damage they can cause with their little phone calls. You just gotta hope karma bites them in the bum

NessieMcFessie · 02/04/2014 18:09

Howcontrarymary you sound charming

OP - you can't stop your DH taking your kids to see her - you need to learn to live with that. Your kids will be much better off in the long term if you put the bitterness behind you.

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