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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want anything to do with the woman DH had an affair with?

71 replies

owlborn · 02/04/2014 12:25

I keep being told I am, especially as I've forgiven him and he's the one who cheated. And I know this logically but he is also the one who told me (when she was running around telling our friends that I was paranoid and crazy) and said sorry and who I got to yell at and throw things at and work through my issues with. She has never said sorry once or ever done anything which suggests she feels any remorse.

I don’t want to slag her off or make mutual friends take sides. I just don't want myself or DH to have to be in the same place as her. This mostly came up as I turned down a wedding invite because she was going to be there. No drama and I didn't say that was why to the bride (I faked a family commitment) but a friend I did tell said I was being v U and I should get over myself because the OW did nothing wrong.

OP posts:
MrsMcEnroe · 02/04/2014 12:27

YANBU and the OW certainly DID do something wrong. Yes, your DH cheated, but presumably the OW knew that he was married and carried on regardless?

Hegsy · 02/04/2014 12:28

YANBU at all. Why the hell would you want to be in the same room as someone who knowingly slept with a married man?

It takes 2 to tango your DH and the OW. Glad you and your husband are working through things but I wouldn't want either of us to be in a room with her again if I was in your situation.

InflatableBrick · 02/04/2014 12:28

Your friend is a twat.

FryOneFatManic · 02/04/2014 12:29

Another YANBU here. Why should you force yourself to see this woman? She did know your DH was married, and it appears she is somewhere within your friendship group, which must be worse.

SimplyRedHead · 02/04/2014 12:31

OW did nothing wrong?? Really??!!?!

Sparrowlegs248 · 02/04/2014 12:31

YASoooooNBU!!!

minouminou · 02/04/2014 12:31

You should just get over yourself...
Right.....
I think you should get over your so-called friend first.

MammaTJ · 02/04/2014 12:31

She has done plenty wrong, she allowed and maybe even encouraged your DH to have an affair with her, knowing he was married to you. She also then told anyone who would listen that you were paranoid and crazy.

I would not want anything to do with her either. Having said that, a wedding is usually big enough for even two people who hate each other. If you have truly forgiven your DH, it may have been a good time to show a united front. It takes a really strong person to cope with that though and I don't know how recent or how raw everything is.

You know what you would be able to manage and it is for you to decide. Not for anyone else to tell you you should cope.

LiberalLibertine · 02/04/2014 12:31

Of course YANBU, you're friend does not sound very understanding (under statement)

SaucyJack · 02/04/2014 12:32

YANBU at all, especially as she knew you and presumably considered you a "friend"- before choosing to shag your DH anyway. Yuck.

You sound remarkably dignified.

rollonthesummer · 02/04/2014 12:34

Your friend sounds like a bitch!

ormirian · 02/04/2014 12:34

No, you are not. You aren't insulting her, attacking her or in any way damaging her. I still to this day dread coming across OW - I saw her once 6m after dday and I shook like a leaf and wanted to cry. Why would anyone want to go through that if they can avoid it?

MimiSunshine · 02/04/2014 12:35

You will possibly be seen as unreasonable for forgiving DH and not OW as some will see it as letting him off while she gets the blame.
However presumably OW is a friend of a sort or at least someone you know socially, so separate to your DH she should of attempted an apology at least and tried to repair the damage (unlikely but possible) however as she hasn't you are fully entitled to not want anything more to do with her.

If I were you I'd go back to your so called other friend and say all of the above and that OW most certainly did do something wrong.

Imnotmadeofeyes · 02/04/2014 12:35

Your friend is a knob.

Take blame out of the situation and your left dealing with a situation that has caused you great pain.

You've chosen to work on your marriage with one of the parties, you're more than entitled to avoid anyone else who is going to cause you distress. Your energy is going into fixing another area of your life and no one should try to force you into 'putting on a brave face' or 'sucking it up'. That's complete bollocks.

Tell your dickhead mate that you're very sorry if the whole situation is making her life difficult and stressful, but you have to put your own feelings first and maintain some self preservation. If she's struggling with the state if your marriage she could perhaps book herself a session with Relate.

NoelOfLorst · 02/04/2014 12:39

That's not a friend.

A friend sits with you and plots truly hideous ways to get your fantasy revenge, all the while helping you to maintain utmost dignity and moral high ground in actual real life

TruffleOil · 02/04/2014 12:40

Your friend invited the OW to her wedding?

Why?

NoelOfLorst · 02/04/2014 12:41

And maintaining moral high ground does not involve making friends and socialising with the OW I should say

CountDooku · 02/04/2014 12:41

YANBU. Your friend needs to keep quiet as it's nothing to do with her. You are entitled to deal with this however you want, and I think friends should support you, rather than judge. If your friend wants to carry on being friendly with OW and think that you ABU in her head that's fine, but they shouldn't be telling you how to feel.

My DM says hello to the women my father had an emotional affair with if she sees her in passing - that's her choice, just as it's my choice to completely ignore OW as she (as well as my father) caused such immense hurt to our family. My mother forgave my father (as I have) and they're still together, and feels sorry for the OW. I understand where my mum is coming from, and don't judge her for it, but have my own feelings which are very different to hers. She did once tell me that it was between herself and my dad and I had no right to be so angry, but I disagree - many people are affected when people cheat on their partner, and we should respect each others feelings but not shove them down each others throats as your friend is trying to do in telling you how to behave.

bleedingheart · 02/04/2014 12:45

You are more than entitled to blank this woman for life!

Either your friend has no experience of this, has no empathy or is the other woman herself, otherwise surely she would just let you be?

hellsbellsmelons · 02/04/2014 12:46

I think InflatableBrick has it!!!

OurMiracle1106 · 02/04/2014 12:47

If she hadnt known he was married/in a relationship and told her he was single then yes she would have done nothing wrong. However as she clearly knew she should have respected his relationship with you

Original poster
owlborn · 02/04/2014 12:47

Thank you for many good replies! Need to dash into a meeting at work. Will post proper replies when out.

OP posts:
NoodleOodle · 02/04/2014 12:50

YANBU

FryOneFatManic · 02/04/2014 12:56

Even if your "friend" hasn't taken sides, it seems to me she still wants to have everything nicely smoothed over for her. Not for you at all.

And this OW called you crazy and paranoid to others. She should definitely apologise for that at the very least, and your friend should be encouraging her to do so, not telling you to forget about it.

Acridbottomgravy · 02/04/2014 13:39

YANBU. And frankly anyone who doesn't take your side against a woman who fucked your husband, is no friend at all. If you and your DH are making a go of it then that's your private business, but you don't have to have anything to do with the OW, who you say also slagged you off too!

This sort of thing brings out my inner fishwife. I'd batter the OW, and never ever forgive anyone who have her the time of day. Get new friends OP. Seriously.

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