to not want anything to do with the woman DH had an affair with?

[owlborn]

I keep being told I am, especially as I've forgiven him and he's the one who cheated. And I know this logically but he is also the one who told me (when she was running around telling our friends that I was paranoid and crazy) and said sorry and who I got to yell at and throw things at and work through my issues with. She has never said sorry once or ever done anything which suggests she feels any remorse.

I don’t want to slag her off or make mutual friends take sides. I just don't want myself or DH to have to be in the same place as her. This mostly came up as I turned down a wedding invite because she was going to be there. No drama and I didn't say that was why to the bride (I faked a family commitment) but a friend I did tell said I was being v U and I should get over myself because the OW did nothing wrong.

Sounds like you need new friends.

My friend would never ever say that to me, and I'd never say it to her.

Friends support your decisions, not guilt you into a easier course of action for everyone else.

• you're not being unreasonable

• your friend needs to fuck off

• get new friends, you don't need that weird shit

• don't have a problem with making yourself abundantly clear to anyone who questions you - it's fucked up to be the one who was wronged, and then have to walk on eggshells

• tell the OW to sleep with one eye open

I would suspect anyone urging you to socialise with this woman as loving the drama to be honest. How on earth would that really work-even with you and your DH at one end of the room and OW at the other? And why should any of the three of you go through all that crushing embarrassment and discomfort, under the gleeful eyes of others, when you could all just avoid each other?

Yes, Angela is right.

Yup. I'm beginning to think we need a "drama llama alert" emoticon for these forums.

It's ALWAYS OK to tread your own path when confronted by a drama llama as these people get off on watching the discomfiture of others and to quote my son "that's not nice".

Yep, agree with Angela

Your life is obviously a soap opera to these people.

Get new people.

Your 'friend' needs to shut the fuck up. Sounds like you have a really caring and supportive 'friend' there OP, I'd find a new one if I were you. :/

I think the OW should have declined the invitation tbh.

It's more the fact that she was telling everyone you were paranoid and crazy that I have an issue with tbh.

You are 100% not being U to not want to hang out with her!

My best friend is the one who slags off he OW (she knows the OWs birth family AND the family of her first MM quite well). I don't ask and I don't join in but its nice to have someone 100% 'on my side'. I need partisanship sometimes.

The telling everyone I was paranoid and crazy upset me as well. Like…a lot. Especially as I have suffered from serious paranoia in the past (at one point when I was really unwell I used to have paranoid fantasies and hallucinations) and it was really difficult for me when it was going on and I wasn’t sure if I was getting sick again. I also sometimes (I go back and forth with this a lot, so I’m really sorry if I seem inconsistent when I talk about this) wonder whether she really thought DH and I were through. I mean, if she thought she was doing nothing wrong, why lie? Why tell mutual friends that I was making it up?

And I am also really unsure in my head how I feel about the stuff that happened when we weren’t separated. Like…the weekend before he said he needed a trial separation, but after they had started kissing etc, she came to my birthday party and hung out with my family, which really upsets me. And I know it wasn’t a full blown affair at the time, but it is stuff like that which makes me incredibly angry.

There's many reasons for trying to save a relationship with a husband, none for sustaining a relationship with someone unimportant who was a massive part of such a hurtful betrayal.

I could not stand to be in a room pretending to be happy and celebrating another couples vows of fidelity while someone who had knowingly interfered with my marriage sat two tables away.

Also I could not stand knowing DH and his OW were in the same room, at some point undoubtedly making eye contact and remembering stuff...

...Ugh. Your friend is deluded.

Totally understandable that you wouldn't want to be anywhere near the OW. I wonder whether your friend would 'get over herself' and think that the OW had done nothing wrong if it had been her husband who had cheated?

Oh OP, it's just fucking cruel that it's making you feel this way

You're obviously staying for a reason, and that's fair enough, but please don't allow yourself to be put in a position that makes you feel inferior or anxious

If I were the OW, I'd be hanging my head in shame and definitely not attending the same events as you.

I want to scratch her eyes out myself!

Your 'friend' has no business telling you what to think and how to feel. If she thinks YABU, she would be a better friend if she kept it to herself.

Tell her to do one. Pronto.

Your friend is an idiot.

In your position I'd be tempted to say "You're clearly more forgiving than I am, you've clearly at peace with the fact that she made a pass at your DH."

Then when she no doubt wants more information etc just say "Gosh if shagging my DH isn't doing anything wrong, then why is her making a pass at your DH an issue?...Oh wait, she didn't make a pass, but take the anxiety you just felt and times it by a million and then tell me she's guilt-free."

But in truth I'd probably just say nothing and find myself a better friend.

Does your friend know the full story i.e. this started before the separation!? Not trying to excuse the idiot her.

Either way you do what works for you.

your friend is a fucking insensitive twat, trim her .

sorry OP, yanbu

Have you told her to sod off yet OP?

owlborn Or could you smile to her face while knowing you won your man back off her.