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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want anything to do with the woman DH had an affair with?

71 replies

owlborn · 02/04/2014 12:25

I keep being told I am, especially as I've forgiven him and he's the one who cheated. And I know this logically but he is also the one who told me (when she was running around telling our friends that I was paranoid and crazy) and said sorry and who I got to yell at and throw things at and work through my issues with. She has never said sorry once or ever done anything which suggests she feels any remorse.

I don’t want to slag her off or make mutual friends take sides. I just don't want myself or DH to have to be in the same place as her. This mostly came up as I turned down a wedding invite because she was going to be there. No drama and I didn't say that was why to the bride (I faked a family commitment) but a friend I did tell said I was being v U and I should get over myself because the OW did nothing wrong.

OP posts:
Acridbottomgravy · 02/04/2014 13:41

"I don't want to slag her off"

Why? Fucking hell! If I was your mate we'd sit up night after night hatching a terrible revenge on her and anyone who associated with her. I'd dig up her ancestors!!!

CSIJanner · 02/04/2014 13:41

YANBU

Your friend is a twat. What a crap thing to say

Nosleeptillbedtime · 02/04/2014 13:45

Wow, with friends like yours who needs enemies. The OW tried to build her happiness on the back of your misery and slagged you to boot. She did everything wrong. I would never want to be in the same room as her either. Don't think I would want to be in the same room as that 'friend'either!

Nosleeptillbedtime · 02/04/2014 13:47

Acrid bottom, I totally like your style! Have a pint on me!

HecatePropylaea · 02/04/2014 13:50

Your friend is being very unreasonable. While I agree that it is your husband who promised to be faithful and then plunged ball deep into some other woman and so he is the one who truly shat all over you - she also played her part. She chose to take up with someone she knew was married and she chose to say horrible and untrue things about you in order to try to hide what she was doing and make you out to be the bad guy. I am surprised that a friend would tell you to get over it and that she did nothing wrong. She fucked your husband and told everyone you were crazy. That's not doing nothing wrong. She may not owe you fidelity like he did! but she owed you some bit of decency!

I suggest that you tell your friend that you'll fuck her husband/boyfriend and then see how she feels about who holds what blame and who should get over what.

(thinking about it - you probably shouldn't actually do that, tbh, it's likely one of those things better left to fantasise about saying!)

Your friend hasn't at any point done something similar, has she? That would certainly account for her attitude.

KeepCalmAndLOLKittens · 02/04/2014 13:55

Hecate, the phrasing of your second sentence would perhaps be too emotive for the OP right now ... Maybe ask for a deletion?

ormirian · 02/04/2014 13:58

It makes no difference who bears what proportion of blame. You owe her absolutely nothing - she doesn't have to matter to you, any more than you mattered to her. You chose to focus your energies on fixing your relationship with your H, why should you expend any time or angst on someone who isn't important to you?

CheeseAndPickleSammich · 02/04/2014 14:02

I would dump your husband just for suggesting you could be civil to her. Fucking arse, he has no respect for you at all I'm afraid

CoffeeTea103 · 02/04/2014 14:09

You should get rid off both your DH and friend. How do these people bring value to your life. Yanbu btw. Also why should you not go somewhere because she will be there? You are the innocent one, not her.

frogslegs35 · 02/04/2014 14:09

Yanbu, not at all.
Not only would I hold an eternal grudge against the ow and not wish to have any contact with her what-so-ever, I'd also have an issue with 'friends' who think it's acceptable to stay friends with and expect you to be around a person who had an affair with a married man, even more so one from a family that I was close to.

Thetallesttower · 02/04/2014 14:12

I'm going to disagree if children are involved, if you don't need to get together for the children then there's no issue in keeping your life separate from hers, if however you do have children with this man, you better get over it quick, as there will be lots of occasions, dinners, weddings, all kinds of family events where the OW will show up.

My dad's OW is also now my step-mum and I like her a lot, she's been in my life for 15 odd years or more.

This doesn't apply if you don't have children as you have no reason to get over your dislike of her, just keep yourself to yourself.

Original poster
owlborn · 02/04/2014 14:13

I think my friend feels I am being unfair because DH is the one who cheated not the OW. It started as am emotional affair (with kissing and cuddling) and then DH told me he couldn't cope with our marriage and needed some space for a bit. As far as I knew it was a trial separation but she took it as us breaking up and allegedly thought he was now single. It lasted six weeks or so and then he decided he couldn't keep lying, broke up with her and told me. Apparently she's told various people since then (which I just found out) that she never would have gone near him if she didn't think his marriage was effectively over and she feels like she was lied to and manipulated.

Friend also thinks I need to let it go because it's been over 18 months now. To be fair to her I am paraphrasing - she worded it very carefully and I think is trying to be supportive in her own way. She's just being super useless atit.

Also, I am really angry that she's been slagging off DH as well. I know he was a prick but I hate that she is painting herself as the victim.

OP posts:
crispyporkbelly · 02/04/2014 14:14

If I was in the same room as an OW there would probably be blood.

LaurieFairyCake · 02/04/2014 14:18

I'd dig up her ancestors

Grin bloody hilarious

Kingsfold · 02/04/2014 14:21

Your "friend" is no friend, and you should ditch her asap.

Thetallesttower · 02/04/2014 14:22

I misunderstood- so you are still with your husband?

From what you've said, you are not being unreasonable, although she may not either, it seems he's played her something chronic given he was 'separated' when they actually had the full affair (not that kissing and cuddling is ok either).

Imnotmadeofeyes · 02/04/2014 14:24

Well I can't say that she hasn't got a right to publicly state her position (the ow), but there's no obligation on your part to start dishing out empathy.

Your both in completely different positions with completely different priorities. You owe each other zero and can deal with your lives how you wish without having to consider the others position.

Who in their right mind would expect anything from you that you yourself haven't said you're comfortable with?

If I'm been fair to your well meaning dickhead of a friend, I can see her point if your social circle means that avoiding each other isn't going to make it easy to never see the ow again, BUT helping you get to the point of disdainful ignoring isn't going to be made quicker by forcing you into situations that you really aren't comfortable with.

Weddings are long occasions, it's not an hour then you can duck out unnoticed if it's too much.

Has your friend ever actually been in a situation where she's being deeply hurt and betrayed by more than one person?

MorrisZapp · 02/04/2014 14:25

I guess your DH did lead her to believe he was separated then? And if he wasn't, then he has lied to her and she is pissed off with reason?

Regardless of all that, of course you aren't going to want to be in the same room as her, it would be hideous. But others looking at it objectively might not have your perspective on it.

Marmotte3 · 02/04/2014 14:40

Kissing and cuddling is much more than an emotional affair, the OW is trying to minimize her part in the cheating affair.

YANBU

Original poster
owlborn · 02/04/2014 15:03

He acknowledges he was totally in the wrong. He was really unhappy at the time - 6 months prior I was hospitalized due to a manic episode, and just before the affair started he found out his father (who acts as a carer for his mother) had been diagnosed with cancer. Add pressure at work and he just fell apart and she was apparently there and it felt like she was the only person in his life who didn't want anything from him and made him feel good.

Like I said, he was in the wrong. I know he was. But I understand why and how. I understand her position too, in my occasional calm and rational moments. Just they never last when I'm around her and I get angry again and just want to scream all the horrible things I got to scream at DH but never got to scream at her.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 02/04/2014 15:06

Well that's understandable. Nobody can blame you for simply wanting to avoid her completely.

AngelaDaviesHair · 02/04/2014 15:17

it doesn't matter whether or not she did anything 'wrong', and I expect plenty of people could come up with lots of nicely constructed rational arguments why she hasn't.

The point is, you have your feelings about this and rational or not, you're entitled to act on them. If you feel angry with her, and don't feel like socialising with her, why on earth shouldn't you act accordingly? I don't suppose your feelings matter to her but that doesn't mean they shouldn't matter to you either.

Jolleigh · 02/04/2014 15:28

I've had the misfortune of finding out that I was the OW after an ex of mine poetically referred to him and his wife as 'separated'. If the OW in your case was in a similar situation to what I was, then the only thing she's done wrong really is jumping in another woman's (a friend's?) bed while it was still warm. The slagging you off doesn't show her in the best light either but trust me, finding yourself backed into a corner like that by the wrongdoings of a man really does make you lash out.

That said, in my case I was the one who told the wife everything, so she got the full story and we managed to get through it with a bit of respect for each other at least.

And even now, I wouldn't RSVP yes to something if I knew she'd be there. She went through enough.

bochead · 02/04/2014 15:34

Being around the OW makes you feel awful - so why should you have to? Stick to your guns and remember the owner of your feelings is YOU, there are no real social ettiquette hand cuffs for situations like these.

OP you've gone for the least stress, lowest key way of dealing with your feelings, while retaining your dignity at the same time. Good on you!

No true friend would try and dissuade you from this course. (totally different if your way of dealing with your feeling leads to potentially arrestable offences like digging up the ancestors Wink).

To quote Cap'n Mannering "As you are then OP!".

rabbitlady · 02/04/2014 15:40

i can understand why you wouldn't want to have anything to do with the other woman, and i think that your husband really ought to avoid her too.

you made the decision to keep him despite his infidelity, you must have had good reasons. perhaps you should both respect those reasons and give your marriage the best chance of success, by avoiding the woman who assisted him in infidelity.

i can't see any reason why the other woman should apologise to you - as suggested by a poster upthread - as she wasn't married to you so had no reason to feel commitment to you.

there are some people who feel that it is always wrong to go with a married man (i felt like that for a quarter of a century) and some people who think married men have the responsibility to be faithful, and if they decide not to be, they are the ones who have some explaining to do to their wives.

i really don't like the idea of your having to socialise with the other woman, even if the affair is over. that seems to be asking far too much of you.

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