To want to shake my sister in law? 42 and longing for a family

[Cinderellie]

But still refusing to even consider a man for a date if she doesn't like his shoes or some other trivial detail.

In the 12 years I have known her there has never been a proper boyfriend. A couple of long term FB's and the very occasional date (maybe 3 in total).

She is lovely, but when it comes to meeting a partner, totally irrational. At 42 she still wants to find someone who has model good looks, a fit body, a successful career, a lot of money, and no previous marriage or children. He must dress perfectly, the list goes on. She has planned her entire wedding down to the last detail, but hasn't had a single relationship since her 20's.

Every few months she asks my DD to be her bridesmaid at her wedding, and visits psychics to find out when she will meet her husband.

I understand her dreams and feel desperately sad for her, but I can't understand why she refuses to even date! Unless the man is a perfect 10 in all sorts of ways that are to some extent the superficial things. Looks, money and dress sense.

How would you shake her into being more realistic? What if Mr Perfect doesn't turn up and she realises when it's too late that her dream of marriage and family have passed her by.

Thats where life-coaching can be useful though: it helps you make a plan, be pro-active, and take measurable steps towards your goal. It's like having a cheerleader with brains and a set of strategies you may not have thought of. It's not the same thing as counselling, it's much more SMART, to use coaching terminology (give it a google if you haven't come across it at work training etc).

Or join the Dating Thread on here, and get some online support and ideas- whatever makes you comfortable.

Knowing what you want is half the battle- I apologise if you have felt patronised by my remarks, it really wasnt my intention. Good luck

Cinders, I reckon that is probably it, yes.

No, not at all patronised, sorry :) It was a nice suggestion. I just really don't feel that it's one I want to explore - or the dating thread. I just can't in all honestly see it happening for me. I'm in a bit of a morose mood tonight sorry!

And also I don't doubt for a second that it's incredibly hard to meet a decent man. There are very few decent men out there. I know lots of beautiful intelligent single women and hardly any male equivalents.

Well I had just about given up by the time I met DP, 6 years ago. By then I was 35, and he was nearly 38. He's very kind, good looking, had a nice house and job... I'm aware I was lucky, and aware we both have our flaws. It can happen, but I was actively out there, trying to find someone. As was he. I don't hold out much hope for your friend OP.

When you feel ready, whatif, you know there are places you can go for some back-up, yes? I hope you're feeling less morose soon.

Don't rock the boat. Leave her be.

Her dreams won't amount to anything now and it would be cruel to point this out at this stage. 10 year ago, perhaps, but at 42 impossible.

She sounds a bit like my sister - 33, lives at with parents, barely dates, standards far too high. She pretends she wants marriage and kids because that's what you're supposed to want but she doesn't really want it. She can't manage relationships. She comes across as a lively chatty popular bubbly woman but it's all fake. She can't understand people at all and marriage and kids would be a disaster for her. But she can't admit that. So she makes out that she just hasn't met the right man.
A friend of mine is still a virgin at 29 and would like marriage and kids. She is intelligent and gorgeous and has no shortage of attention. But she clearly has no interest - I'm almost definite she's gay.

She keeps inviting your dd to be a bridesmaid?
That is...deluded surely.

What do the psychics tell her then?

She's self-sabotaging. Maybe she doesn't really want all that stuff, she just feels like she ought to?

I once rejected a guy because his nostrils were too big and cavernous.

Yes and DD then spends the following few days thinking the wedding is coming up soon. DD is only 4 so she doesn't really understand.

The psychics always tell her it's about to happen - one will say in 6 months time, another will say in the new year .... It's always just about to happen :(

That's a very compassionate post, Sharaluck.

She sounds absolutely deluded.

I think she needs a reality check. Maybe she doesn't really want a family, as some have suggested, but if she actually does she needs to wake up and be more pro active now or it will never happen. There is a high chance she may have missed the boat anyway as even if she were to meet someone tomorrow, spend some time with them getting serious and then try for kids, she could be trying for her first baby at 43 or 44 at which point it is obviously not a dead cert. I agree she needs to be less superficial if she wants to find someone. Tbh yes, any "perfect" guy is not likely to be interested in her if she is living with parents and dependent not them at her age. My jaw dropped when you revealed that part of the puzzle! So many women have a long list of demands while barely offering anything themselves. She doesn't sound like much of a catch to put it mildly.

If I were her age, still single, couldn't find anyone right and was not prepared to look past my standards to find a partner and definitely did want a baby I would have already gone the sperm donor route by now, probably by 40 realistically. Not sure it is necessarily your place to suggest this but maybe make a jokey comment and see how she reacts.

I think she could definitely benefit from some sort of life coaching as mentioned up thread.

I think her life illustrates all the baggage of sexism we still have to put up with

• that 'prince charming' will come and you should hold out for perfection
• that it is acceptable for a grown woman to be financially dependent
• that if you haven't achieved husband / children / house by a certain age your life isn't valuable
• that women must make gargantuan efforts at being perfect while men are acceptable just as they are

Because she hasn't 'achieved' what women are supposed to achieve in adulthood - husband, kids, house - she is kept in perpetual girlhood with white wedding fantasies, psychics / destiny / fate and her own parents' marriage in front of her every day.

I agree with the others who have said maybe she just doesn't want that stuff but has been lacking in role models and support to do other things with her life.

Gosh. So much truth in that post and so much applies to her life tondeleyo

As well, the waiting for mr perfect and someone else to provide you your dream life attitude is considered acceptable for woman to have, only deluded if they aren't able to achieve it, however, a man saying he wasn't going to get his own home or do xyz until the right woman came along to do it with, would be told by everyone that his isn't acceptable. Passivity in life is seen as ok for a woman, not for a man.

I had a friend like this who had a long list of reasons why she couldn't possibly date- so age, had to be near her own age or slightly older, height taller of course, not hairy, good-looking, extremely successful, no previous marriage or children (couldn't bear the idea that he would have proposed to someone else).

On the other hand, she would then date really unsuitable horrible chancer types because they were tall and good-looking and they would mess her around and she would get very upset they weren't behaving like the Prince Charming she was expecting.

In the end, I was quite blunt with her as well as buying her a copy of 'He's just not that into you'. I told her the chances of finding a man with no baggage aged 40 was nil, and that worrying about height was just stupid if the person was kind, decent, intelligent and so on. I also encouraged her to think about how she might have children outside of marriage- but she didn't want to do that, which was fine, at least she had thought it through.

In the end she did snap out of it and found a shorter lovely man to marry.

She still thinks life is like a fairy-tale though, not sure how marriage and children in reality is going to compare to that!

My friend is like this. She couldn't find someone who matched up to what she wanted. Fair play to her. She decided to go it alone in the end and now has two great kids. She is very happy.

My husband used to wear velour t-shirts his mother bought him. I'm surprised he ever managed to have sex with anyone, never mind a goddess like me.

Hahahahaha

Interesting thread. I've had a friend for over 30 years and she hasn't ever sustained a long relationship. She has 2 children. I used to worry about her quite a lot but she always was adamant she wouldn't entertain dating a man on less salary than her - this rules out 80% of the male population as she has a great well paid job. I realised though (after a frank discussion) that deep down she doesn't really want to meet anyone, she couldn't adapt to living with anyone and continues to see the father of her youngest child when it suits him - he's married btw, long story.

As well, the waiting for mr perfect and someone else to provide you your dream life attitude is considered acceptable for woman to have, only deluded if they aren't able to achieve it, however, a man saying he wasn't going to get his own home or do xyz until the right woman came along to do it with, would be told by everyone that his isn't acceptable. Passivity in life is seen as ok for a woman, not for a man.

Funnily enough, I was talking to my husband on Sunday about the large number of 40 something men I know who still live at home with their parents. I don't know any women of that age who still do so.

Oakmaiden I'm like that with male friends in their 30's and BIL who I think will never leave home.

I think their parents have spoilt them.

I wish PILs will just chuck out BIL, they'd be doing him a huge favour but refuse to.

My DSis has a habit of picking men who need some kind of extra care, emotional allowances and then becoming irritated beyond all endurance by the very traits that made them attractive in the first place.

I think Dave the Tattoed Box was the best. Badly understood by a world that just wanted to arrest him. His first words to DH, whilst we visited DSis in her home (not his, he never moved in) were 'don't think you can move in on her'. DH just laughed and the many coloured eejit left in huff shouting that she needn't think he'd be back!

She is still resolutely single, occasionally, erm, 'seeing' men who cannot become a regular fixture - distance seems to be her favourite shield.

I have no idea why, but almost every man ever to cross her path has been the same. Maybe your SIL is self sabotaging in much the same way.

I see nothing on that list of 'ideal man' characteristics about personality, interests, intelligence, being well-informed, kindness, consideration, sense of humour.

All I see is the wish for useless consumer goods and fashion fads. And at 42 she believes in psychics and is still planning a fancy dress party to someone she has not yet met?

Sorry - but perhaps things have turned out for the best.