To want to shake my sister in law? 42 and longing for a family

[Cinderellie]

But still refusing to even consider a man for a date if she doesn't like his shoes or some other trivial detail.

In the 12 years I have known her there has never been a proper boyfriend. A couple of long term FB's and the very occasional date (maybe 3 in total).

She is lovely, but when it comes to meeting a partner, totally irrational. At 42 she still wants to find someone who has model good looks, a fit body, a successful career, a lot of money, and no previous marriage or children. He must dress perfectly, the list goes on. She has planned her entire wedding down to the last detail, but hasn't had a single relationship since her 20's.

Every few months she asks my DD to be her bridesmaid at her wedding, and visits psychics to find out when she will meet her husband.

I understand her dreams and feel desperately sad for her, but I can't understand why she refuses to even date! Unless the man is a perfect 10 in all sorts of ways that are to some extent the superficial things. Looks, money and dress sense.

How would you shake her into being more realistic? What if Mr Perfect doesn't turn up and she realises when it's too late that her dream of marriage and family have passed her by.

Your in laws don't sound as though they are helping TBH.

I just don't understand how someone in their forties has never wanted to move out of home, never wanted their own place. It boggles my little mind and would probably ring major alarm bells for prospective suitors.

Well no they are not helping. But the alternative is to tell her it's unlikely she will have a family and they could never do that.

She doesn't like living at home. She just isn't prepared to accept a change in lifestyle. So for example if she had to pay rent or a mortgage she would have to spend less on clothes, make up. She isn't very good with budgeting and often runs up credit cards.

If the two of you have a good friendship I would gently and kindly (and over a bottle of wine) suggest to her that she needs to be a bit more grown up and a bit more pragmatic. I think the most important thing is for her to decide if she really wants kids or just sees them as part of the idealised picture.

Agree, if you are a true friend, worth asking her how high up her priority list children are to her, if she's not really fussed, then waiting for the right man makes sense, if not, is she aware time is nearly out, as in, she should be trying for a baby within the next 6-12 months if she wants any hope of having them? Has she thought about IVF and going solo? Getting her own home and not just waiting for a man to provide the life she wants for her?

It's highly likely she's thought about this already, but perhaps has wedded herself to the "I'm worth it" plan and can't back down.

It never occurred to me before that she may not truly want children. But now I've thought about it there could be some truth there.

I have tried to talk to her before but if I get too serious and stop agreeing that prince charming will ride up on his white horse soon, she sort of shuts down. She doesn't want to hear it.

She wouldn't go solo or think about IVF. As for getting her own place, in her mind she cannot afford it because anything less than what she has now would not be acceptable to her.

she sounds a tad shallow to me and shallow people rarely make good long term partners.

she may just want the dream and not really the reality.

either way it's her life. she's not a kid is she?

I have a friend exactly like this.
It is very sad, she is verging on delusional.
Her entire life is devoted to preparing for her dream fuiture as a mother and housewife to a rich successful man.
She takes cooking classes and other little things like that regularly and only works part time as a receptionist.
She lives with her parents and refuses to even consider moving out until she meets her husband.
It has been like this for the 13 years that I have known her.

She has incredibly ridiculously high standard, she has convinced herself that she is destined to marry David Beckham or George Clooney and won't even consider anyone who isn't at a certain level of attractiveness, wealth and status.
As a result of this she has not had a date or a boyfriend in the entire time I have known her. She is also still a virgin.

A couple of years ago there was a man who was really interesting in her, he was quite smitten, he was a lovely man and would have been perfect of her, but she dismissed him repeatedly because she 'could do so much better' eventually after nearly 18 m

I know people like this. I think that consumerism is to blame. Everyone wants (and gets) what they want, in the right colour etc on demand. People don't work like that.

Even if she is outgoing and confident I suspect that some counselling would help? Rather than spending money on physics? You could dress it up as a life coach? Sounds more glamorous......

Months he have up. It was so sad.

She is 39 now and although she spends almost all of her time fantasising about her dream wedding and dream husband and dream life I just can't see it happening for her, I think it's such a shame but there isn't anything anyone can do, trust me I have tried.

A few smug posts on here

What business is it of anybody's who she lives with? I have lived alone for 12 years and I can tell you it gets very lonely sometimes. I would love to have someone to chat to in the evening and with no partner a parent is the obvious choice.

I agree she sounds very fussy but to be honest have you ever tried saying "to be honest I don't think that I will meet anyone." It doesn't go down well! You get lectured on not making an effort, putting yourself out there and joining clubs.

Being single - isn't it great.

You're certainly not being unreasonable to want to shake her, OP-just reading your posts makes me want to shake her and I don't even know the girl.

It sounds like a really sad situation but I very much doubt, from what you've written, that anything you say/do will make any difference whatsoever. It isn't just the unrealistic 'I must have perfection' attitude-it's the fact that she's been chronically spoiled and babied and over indulged by your PIL. I mean living at home is one thing, but not even paying them rent?!! At 42? Are her parents compete mugs? Surely, unless there are mental health issues involved and DC cannot work, any adult living at home with mum and dad should at the very least pay rent...and equally surely, any decent man would surely run a mile at her set up.

I would be severely tempted to point out that she's hardly a good catch for even Mr Average let alone Mr Perfect (but you are probably nicer than me).

complete not compete sorry

It does sound like she's got an idea of what "perfect" looks like, a wish list for a man that probably doesn't exist, and to have the house that's just like her parents' house, and to have children, and that's the full ideal package - but perhaps she's actually not all that bothered about getting any set bit of that.

If she really wanted space of her own, she'd settle for a house smaller than her parents' (she'd be living in it alone, rather than sharing with a family, so would need less to have more space to herself). If she really wanted DCs, she'd be trying to get herself into a position to get them. If she really wanted a dream wedding and someone to share her life with, she'd be compromising on the 'wish list' for the man (certainly after 12 years without a relationship).

It could well be these are the things she's been told she should want, but doesn't desire any of them enough to fight for them. If this turned up, she'd take it, but if it's not really want she wants, then her inability to really get out there and grab after any bit of that, makes perfect sense.

It could well be she quite likes her life as it is. She lives with her parents, never having to grow up and run a house. I bet they do the bulk of the cleaning, cooking, household maintenance, gardening etc. She gets to spend all her money on herself, not having to do dull things like buy home contents insurance.

If she's going to give up her lifestyle, selfish, spoilt, and as probably fun, she's only doing it for something spectaularly good. That it's unlikely she'll get it isn't the point.

a virgin at 39!! taking cookery classes and living at home. I feel sorry for her parents and that bloke had a lucky escape.

she sounds nuts tbh. WeAreEternal

My blood runs cold thinking about this woman, OP. I'm the last person in the world to think marriage and children are necessary for a fulfilled life, but she seems to have turned her desire for Mr Perfect into a way opf permanently stalling her life into a kind of perpetual adolescence. It sounds as if she can't make any changes or strike out on her own because to do something like buy her own place or consider adoption as a lone parent would be to admit that her future is based on fantasy.

Yet I can't help think that most of us are careful to get what we want, even though we often can't admit to ourselves what that is. Perhaps the fantasy exists in order for her to preserve the life she has now...?

I feel sorry for your friend WeAreEternal, it sounds as though in her dream life she wants the husband/babies/picket fence but the fact she's a virgin at 39 would suggest some major mental barriers, some fear that she doesn't speak of.

I don't think she sounds nuts but I do think it sounds very sad.

To be honest, I haven't ever been in a relationship. The thought of being in one, having never been in one, is terrifying and intimidating, and the longer you leave it the harder it becomes.

I have to admit I have done what the OP's SIL has done - rejected men because of fear. Perhaps that is stupid but I am also scared they will reject me.

So - I am a virgin at 32 and I also like to cook so it's a wonder I attract anybody at all, really.

Apart from all of the 'dream life' stuff she is actually a really lovely person.
That's part of what makes it so sad. She would make a lovely wife and mother and she could be so happy if she just let go of her unrealistic dream of how everything is supposed to magically turn out.

And that's the point really she expects it to just happen by magic because she does nothing to go out and look for her Prince Charming, she just expect him to just appear one day and whisk her off to a big house is a shiny sports car.

I spoke to her mum about it once and she said that she has been like this since her teens, always dreaming about and waiting for her Prince Charming and rejecting anyone who didn't have a white horse.

I have to say she's probably no less unrealistic than all the naïve posters who have said she should just go out and find a relationship.

Trust me at that age it isn't easy, even if you are less fussy, live independently etc. I'm quite attractive by most peoples standards, and I've been single for years, so have many friends of mine. All successful well-off women in our 40s, we're not terribly fussy and we struggle. So please let's not perpetuate the idea that if she dropped her standards she'd meet someone tomorrow. It's unlikely, however indiscerning she becomes.

Don't knock life-coaching then, whatif- people here might know some reputable ones to recommend. Sometimes you can get yourself into a rut, and need proper structured support to break out of it.

Thank you , but I definitely don't want counselling or life-coaching. I know WHAT I need to do - it's doing it!

I'm not completely sure I want a relationship anyway, but I do want children, so I suppose I'll have to have one!

I am beginning to understand why she wouldn't settle for anything less than perfect now actually reading the last few posts. Why would she? She has an easy life and doesn't have to get up and go to work if she doesn't feel like it. There are no real consequences like losing the roof over her head. And it must be nice not to have any responsibilities.

So she carries in saying she is waiting for Mr Perfect, and waiting for something spectacular, and that in itself justifies why she is not supporting herself financially or, for example, buying herself a car instead of borrowing her parent's one, or saving for a place of her own.