To want to shake my sister in law? 42 and longing for a family

[Cinderellie]

But still refusing to even consider a man for a date if she doesn't like his shoes or some other trivial detail.

In the 12 years I have known her there has never been a proper boyfriend. A couple of long term FB's and the very occasional date (maybe 3 in total).

She is lovely, but when it comes to meeting a partner, totally irrational. At 42 she still wants to find someone who has model good looks, a fit body, a successful career, a lot of money, and no previous marriage or children. He must dress perfectly, the list goes on. She has planned her entire wedding down to the last detail, but hasn't had a single relationship since her 20's.

Every few months she asks my DD to be her bridesmaid at her wedding, and visits psychics to find out when she will meet her husband.

I understand her dreams and feel desperately sad for her, but I can't understand why she refuses to even date! Unless the man is a perfect 10 in all sorts of ways that are to some extent the superficial things. Looks, money and dress sense.

How would you shake her into being more realistic? What if Mr Perfect doesn't turn up and she realises when it's too late that her dream of marriage and family have passed her by.

One thing that these people who have extraordinarily high standards never seem to consider is how amazing a match they are. It's all very well wanting someone hugely successful and wealthy who's a 10/10 for looks, but does she tick those boxes too? Is she independently wealthy with a high flying career and drop dead gorgeous/flawless?

It's easy to judge, less pleasant to be judged.

There are very few single men out there who want the whole relationships/kids thing and are worth having. It probably wouldn't make much difference if she lowered her standards, she'll find it difficult to meet anyone worthwhile (speaking as a 41 yo with a great job, big house, finacially secure, who's been single for over 5 years).

I have lots of friends my age in a similar boat. I had my children without waiting for the perfect relationship (because I never expected to find it) but most of them want the whole package - man and children, and accept now they might not get the latter by the time they find the former. I respect their decision, even though I did differently.

She doesn't really want a family. At any rate, that ship may well have sailed. Leave her to it.

I don't think she does really want a relationship - if she really wanted one, she would have one.

The only problem is if she does somehow meet someone who appears to be Mr Perfect. He won't be.

I don't think she really, truly wants to hear the truth from anyone around her.

She's not thick, but she does still believe it will happen for her. Maybe because she cannot face the reality because it's too scary that there really is only a small amount of time left for children biologically.

One of my friends who is early 40s gets married this year. She and her DH to be both want children. They have not (and I know her well enough to say this for certain) considered that it won't happen. I have suggested fertility tests, but they have a sort of blind faith in it. It's how some people are, I guess.

I have a friend like that. She had loads of first dates but there was always something wrong with the guys she met.

I remember years ago she met a clever good looking guy with a really interesting career. They arranged a date and we accidentally bumped into him a few days before so I got to meet him. He was lovely and fun.

She was really looking forward to the date but dumped him after because... He was wearing the same outfit he'd been wearing when we bumped into him (casual summer clothes that looked fine as far as I could tell). She told me he clearly hadn't made an effort and she was offended.

She's still single and doesn't want to be.

She isn't financially independent which is why it's important the man is for her.

I have the opposite issue with a friend of mine. She's 31, desperate to marry and is watching all her friends settle down while it hasn't happened to her yet. So she's with this absolute dickhead who no one likes or thinks is right for her. But she's determined to make it work as she doesn't want to be the only single one left.

She isn't financially independent? What, does she live with her parents?

I have a male friend who is very similar other than the biological clock issue. His dream woman would be highly unlikely to go for him. Sadly he's turned down interesting opportunities that could have made him very happy for superficial reasons. Instead he's lonely and of an age where the pool of single women without dependent children are in short supply.

Yes she does. Not great but she doesn't see the point in saving for a mortgage or moving out because she will get married soon.

Op, she'll know deep down that if she was going to meet mr perfect in time for dcs, it would have happened by now.

Realistically, the men I know in their late 30s/early 40s who are single, with great jobs, no dcs and want them, have serious character flaws or are ugly, no one that great stays single without good reason! Men in their 40s worth having probably do have baggage.

Oh god, so she's supremely shallow and verging on gold digger territory but thinks she's a catch as a 42 year old woman living at home with mummy and daddy? I'd struggle biting my lip op.

Is she incredibly gorgeous? Witty and entertaining? Just wondering what makes her think she can get the dream list... (Although pretty sure she'll know she can't and it's a great cover for not being able to have a normal relationship either, "waiting for mr perfect" sounds so much better than "unable to find anyone to share her life with")

She's probably going to end up caring for her parents then, as they become infirm- and so she should, really, if they've taken care of her this long. She'll inherit their cash, go on one of those awful sex holidays to Jamaica, and end up getting swindled out of the lot by some cute pool boy. Not a lot you can do about it.

I know someone like this. She won't settle for anything less than perfection, wealth and high flying career in a man, yet still lives with her mum at 40, is not perfect herself.

Today she said 'oh I'm going to find Mr x, rich, successful, big house etc, pop out a couple of kids and become a lady of leisure'

She was/is very spoiled by her dad.

Oh dear. She would fall into a depression if she thought all that lay ahead was caring for her elderly parents. She has SUCH huge dreams. It's just that she never does much/enough to make them happen. And there has never been a back up plan.

My best friend is like this. She has never had a long term relationship and has'nt even been on a date in 2 years. She does make noises about wanting a family but tbh I don't see it happening. She is very fussy over what she wanta-won't date anyone over 40 even though she is 39!

I think she is kidding herself on.

If I was her I'd feel more urgency to find my own place than find a husband. I wouldn't consider going out with a 40 something man who loved with his parents.

I think it's okay to have high standards as long as you're getting on with life in the meantime. Not waiting for your Mum to call up the stairs 'darling, the prince you've been waiting for is here'.

Yes squoosh- she needs to make herself more of a prospect, or she'll get no takers. Apart from maybe some hot Jamaican holiday sex before her impoverished old age.

Jamaican sex holidays are so tacky. I really look down on those women.

Everyone knows Turkey is where the best sexcations are to be found!

I have a friend like this, she's a single parent with a young child, a badly paid job and when signing up to a dating agency she would only consider a "fit" bloke with lots of money, no children and has to be a certain religion...

Ohhhhhhh. That's very, very bad news. Unless she's from a culture where it's normal to live with your parents until marriage.

Just shows how important it is to equip your children to be turfed out at the earliest adult opportunity [speculatively eyes 10 year old ds]

I would start talking to her as if her current life is going to go on forever, ask her about how she will manage when her parents can't get upstairs any more, does she plan for a stairlift, moving beds downstairs, or what? Who knows, it might alert her a little.

Ok not from a culture where it's normal. These are the things that make me want to shake her, that's just it, her life seems to be on hold until Prince Charming comes along.

My parents in law are desperate for their daughter to have a husband and children too and so they tell her every day that Prince Charming will be along soon.