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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want DH to cancel his op until after holiday?

105 replies

WanttogotoDisney · 01/04/2014 18:58

DH has had backache for as long as I have known him. He had an op 10+ years ago which didn't cure his pain and he understood that nothing further could be done. I have nagged endlessly over the past 8 years for him to see someone else but he has always insisted that it is pointless.

A few weeks ago his GP persuaded him to see a back specialist. He did and amazingly it appeared that there was a relatively routine fix to the problem (the first op having been a botched job). He was delighted and could not wait to have the op. I wholeheartedly agree that he should have the op but I had reservations on timing as we are taking the DC to Disneyland California next month and I do not believe he will be sufficiently recovered in time (6 week recovery period). We have been planning the trip for 11 months and I don't want let the DC down (not to mention that I am really looking forward to it).

He had the op last week and unfortunately things did not go to plan. Once they opened him up they discovered that they did not have the correct instrumentation so they closed him up again without having done anything. Now -as well as having to recover from last week's op - he needs to have a much more complicated surgery - its akin to a c-section to get to his spine from the front - with a longer recovery period. This is planned for tomorrow. We leave for holiday in less than 5 weeks and I have asked him to delay until we get back but he refuses and insists that he will be fine.

Believe me, if this was an emergency situation or he was in unbearable pain, I would not hesitate to cancel the holiday so he can have the op and a proper recovery period. But this is long term pain which he has managed with for the last 10 years and I don't see why he can't wait for another 6 weeks. DH says that my negativety is pissing him off which is not the way I want things to be.

Ready for a flaming if IABU. Am I?

OP posts:
Moreisnnogedag · 01/04/2014 20:41

Sorry I am evidently a bit cranky today!

swooosh · 01/04/2014 20:43

I work in the private sector and we would be lucky to get old notes not from our hospital. If it was done elsewhere the notes may be hard to get hold of, especially with the fast turnover time from consultation to surgery.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 01/04/2014 20:45

If your nanny changes her mind I'll go with you Grin

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 01/04/2014 20:50

I would be amazed if he is fit to go, amazed that doc would ok it as you are not supposed to fly so soon after surgery because of DVT risk and amazed that your insurance would agree to cover him under those circumstances. I would be arranging for someone to stay home and look after him and take the kids and a friend instead or postpone the hol pleading for a rearrangement due to the circumstances.

clam · 01/04/2014 20:51

Call me a cynic, but the hospital sending him home in a limo would set my alarm bells ringing that there was some sort of cock-up.

tilbatilba · 01/04/2014 21:00

Sounds like a good solution - he can have a comfortable flight in business, use a wheel chair at Disney if he's up to going ...(which often speeds up the queue's) ....relax by the pool etc. Im sure the surgeon will suggest them but he should wear anti thrombosis type stockings for the flight and ensure he walks around the cabin. It's highly likely he will be absolutely fine and just so happy to be pain free - which is what happened in our case - not quite as extensive spinal surgery but I reckon he's still living on endorphins 7 years later! Have a wonderful holiday.

Original poster
WanttogotoDisney · 01/04/2014 21:12

Aww...thanks tilbatilba!

OP posts:
kali110 · 02/04/2014 00:44

Think yabu a bit though i can understand.
Iv had back pain everyday for 8 years. If the docs suddenly said they could cure it i would have the operation asap

sashh · 02/04/2014 06:05

YABU

  1. check your insurance, what if he fell before the op but in the USA? Would this count as a preexisting condition? Would you have $$$ bills?

  2. he has managed pain, that does not mean he has not been in pain. You have children, can you remember month 9? Most women spend the last few weeks just wishing the baby was out. If it was suggested that you could 'just stay pregnant' for 2 more months how would you react?

  3. You are going to Disneyland. A place with access if he is stiff or needs to use a wheelchair. If you were going hiking in the Alps if would be different. You don't mention your dcs ages but doesn't Disneyland have things they can do without adults?

LongTimeLurking · 02/04/2014 07:09

Seems a bit unreasonable to cancel the long planned holiday for what is a routine operation that can wait. I would say YANBU unless his chronic pain has suddenly got worse over the last few months?

My main concern would be with the accuracy of the 'second opinion'. How can one doctor think nothing can be done and the next doctor (private?) suggests major surgery is the way forward. anecdotally back surgery does not have great success.

Original poster
WanttogotoDisney · 02/04/2014 08:46

DH is going ahead and we are the hospital now.

Consultant says that if DH feels up to it when the time comes then there is no reason for him not to travel. I will check the insurance position in that context.

Lurking - the original opinion was from the (private) surgeon who botched the first operation. The opinion from the new surgeon came 10 years later and we had a second (third?) opinion which endorsed the new surgeon's approach before the aborted surgery and has confirmed that the approach now being taken is "not unreasonable" although he would do it differently. The success rate of spinal fusion is increased significantly through the use of bone morphogenic protein.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 02/04/2014 08:59

I hope it all goes well today.
I'm glad he's having the surgery.

Catper33 · 02/04/2014 09:31

I am not sure of exactly what type of spinal surgery your DH is having but I know after my fusion that was quite straight forward there was no way after 6 weeks I was in any fit state to have gone on a flight and stayed somewhere other than at home. The Drs may not be laying it on the line of the reality as stating - if you feel ok you can go - is a bit of a non commitment on their part.
Hope all goes well.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 02/04/2014 09:37

Hope the op goes well.

You really need to look into your holiday insurance though because if he has any problems whilst in the US relating to this then he probably won't be covered and it will cost an absolute fortune - if they will insure him at all.

My mum had various health problems and she couldn't get insurance to go to the US, or maybe she could but it was just an extortinate premium.

Gen35 · 02/04/2014 09:44

I think you also have a good backup plan, take them to eurodisney on your own as you said if dh not well, they're coming up for 4, they won't know the difference. Look after your dh and fingers crossed the surgery ends his back pain.

canyou · 02/04/2014 09:57

yes to checking holiday insurance.
But I have chronic back pain if some one offered to cure it I would sell the DC in a heart beatGrin . yes it would be selfish but I would throw away a holiday to have the operation without a second thought.

BoreOfWhabylon · 02/04/2014 09:57

I really don't think he should be travelling so soon after major abdominal surgery. Not least because of the increased DVT risk for several weeks following such surgery, compounded by the increased DVT risk due to long-haul flight.

I think you should discuss any travel plans with OH's surgeon and insurers and take their advice.

BoreOfWhabylon · 02/04/2014 10:13

Sorry - for some reason only the first few posts on the thread were displaying when I posted. I see you have already discussed with surgeon.

I hope the surgery goes well and he is soon on his way to finally being pain-free.

LIZS · 02/04/2014 10:14

Also you need to check insurance if you decide to cancel as it may be classed as a pre-existing condition but hopefully he had declared that he was awaiting an inpatient appointment.

Original poster
WanttogotoDisney · 02/04/2014 16:16

I love my DH on morphine. He's so funny!!! Goes completely over the top expressing his adoration of me and his family. He is relieved the op is over and the surgeon is pleased with how it went.

I have checked the insurance policy and he will only not be covered if he travels against medical advice. Obviously it is too soon for the consultant to give his final advice about four weeks' time but he says that in principle it should not be a problem if DH feels up to it.

For those wondering about the type of policy, it is a corporate policy for our firm at a premium of £78k so it is about as extensive as they come.

OP posts:
Original poster
WanttogotoDisney · 02/04/2014 16:20

With regard to travelling and the risk of DVT, the surgeon has said that he treats many patients from abroad (it's the sort of hospital that markets itself for medical tourism) and they are able to fly home within a week of an operation. They recommend the wearing of surgical stockings.

OP posts:
oscarwilde · 02/04/2014 16:37

Proper medical stockings have to be fitted and can take some time to get hold of, especially if you want more than one pair. I'd try to get him fitted for them before he leaves the hospital if you can.

Original poster
WanttogotoDisney · 02/04/2014 17:03

Thanks Oscar.

It's not affecting his appetite!! He only came up from theatre 2 hours ago and he's eaten two sandwiches, cake, fruit and has just ordered rack of lamb and chips for dinner.

OP posts:
oscarwilde · 02/04/2014 17:21

Oh dear god - lets hope he doesn't get the constipation that's associated with a C section in that case !!!

Have a great holiday - hope it all goes well.

Original poster
WanttogotoDisney · 02/04/2014 18:07

Movicol at the ready!

Daft fool is determined to prove my negativity was misplaced.

OP posts: