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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want DH to cancel his op until after holiday?

105 replies

WanttogotoDisney · 01/04/2014 18:58

DH has had backache for as long as I have known him. He had an op 10+ years ago which didn't cure his pain and he understood that nothing further could be done. I have nagged endlessly over the past 8 years for him to see someone else but he has always insisted that it is pointless.

A few weeks ago his GP persuaded him to see a back specialist. He did and amazingly it appeared that there was a relatively routine fix to the problem (the first op having been a botched job). He was delighted and could not wait to have the op. I wholeheartedly agree that he should have the op but I had reservations on timing as we are taking the DC to Disneyland California next month and I do not believe he will be sufficiently recovered in time (6 week recovery period). We have been planning the trip for 11 months and I don't want let the DC down (not to mention that I am really looking forward to it).

He had the op last week and unfortunately things did not go to plan. Once they opened him up they discovered that they did not have the correct instrumentation so they closed him up again without having done anything. Now -as well as having to recover from last week's op - he needs to have a much more complicated surgery - its akin to a c-section to get to his spine from the front - with a longer recovery period. This is planned for tomorrow. We leave for holiday in less than 5 weeks and I have asked him to delay until we get back but he refuses and insists that he will be fine.

Believe me, if this was an emergency situation or he was in unbearable pain, I would not hesitate to cancel the holiday so he can have the op and a proper recovery period. But this is long term pain which he has managed with for the last 10 years and I don't see why he can't wait for another 6 weeks. DH says that my negativety is pissing him off which is not the way I want things to be.

Ready for a flaming if IABU. Am I?

OP posts:
Joules68 · 01/04/2014 19:20

He could hire an electric buggy if he finds it all a struggle?

Is he supposed to be driving whilst over there?

Think he's more important than some holiday. It's Disney, it will always be there!

LEMmingaround · 01/04/2014 19:20

I am not being funny, i'd be considering legal action if i were you - and yes, they should accomodate his holiday plans!!!

Original poster
WanttogotoDisney · 01/04/2014 19:20

The surgeon says if DH feels up to it then he can go.

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 01/04/2014 19:20

I think he'd be foolish to try and attempt such a long flight and a friend has just coffee back from there and said it's full on every day with tons of walking.

NachoAddict · 01/04/2014 19:21

I can see why you are so frustrated. I would be going on holiday with or without him. Sorry if that's harsh.

frogslegs35 · 01/04/2014 19:22

I can see it from both sides so don't think anyone ibu.

With what they now regarding his op, in his shoes I'd cancel it and get the surgeon to do it after the holiday.
The reason - he's managed the pain for a long time and I imagine he's functioned through life in that time, so to me, it makes more sense to go enjoy the holiday knowing he'll have an end to his pain on his return. Rather than get the op first, possibly still be ill when you go and not enjoy it at all.
If he's determined to go ahead and you don't want to reschedule then go without him. It's a long flight and would be scary if he's not fully fit and takes ill during the holiday/on the plane.

Hope you can reach a compromise and manage to enjoy your hol.

RevoltingPeasant · 01/04/2014 19:23

OP I sympathise but think YABU.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but what message is it sending to your kids? That their getting a much wanted holiday is more important than their dad being pain free?

I know to you it probably seems manageable but that is because he has had no choice. Now he does and I think you should put health above all else.

Plus he is mad to think he can go on hols after! Tell him to chill and recover properly, else it could be worse in the long run.

frogslegs35 · 01/04/2014 19:23

*now know

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 01/04/2014 19:23

I we plus say have the OP but be prepared to cancel if needs be. I had my tonsils out 3 weeks before a holiday and had to cancel. Plus would your travel insurance realistically cover him if he had a problem over there post OP?

Original poster
WanttogotoDisney · 01/04/2014 19:23

LEM, I am raring to go on legal action but DH doesn't want me to pick a fight. The hospital sent us home in a limo last week! Timing is totally flexible.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 01/04/2014 19:25

If he thinks he will cope with the flight, the exertions of the holiday and two pre-schoolers within four weeks of back surgery, he is a fool.

OP tell him to choose. Holiday or operation. Trying to do both is just a nonsense and will leave you in the lurch.

Holiday cannot be postponed, operation can, so I would go for changing the operation date. If he won't do that, tell him to cancel the holiday and he can tell the children himself.

BadgersRetreat · 01/04/2014 19:27

hmm it being private i think i'd prefer he rescheduled if i were in your shoes....

Mama1980 · 01/04/2014 19:27

I can see why your frustrated. I can also see your dh s point of view. However being practical I have had numerous operations on my hips/spine/ /leg/uterus/abdomen (car crash and two prem deliveries) and no way would I have been up to Disney 5 weeks later after any of them. Also I went to Disney last year with my children I'm still partially paralysed and my medical insurance was a nightmare, they wouldn't even consider covering me until 6 months had passed. Have you checked this out, it could be a factor?
Basically if I were you dh I would wait, no way would I risk disappointing my children.

Original poster
WanttogotoDisney · 01/04/2014 19:29

Revolting - my DC are 3. They know they are going to Disney for their 4th birthday. They know their daddy has an ouchy back. They don't know that there is any connection between the two. I doubt they will learn any lesson either way.

I take on board the rest of your comments though. I have told DH that if he goes ahead we should cancel the holiday. He insists that I do not. I guess we will just have to wait and see.

To those saying I should go anyway, it's a family holiday and we either all go or none of us go. DH and I both work long hours and holiday time is precious. My back up plan - if we have to cancel - is to go on my own with the DC for a couple of days at Eurodisney since the DC will be none the wiser.

OP posts:
Enjoyingmycoffee · 01/04/2014 19:35

I feel for you OP, a so difficult situation. It depends on his level of pain really, which can not be conveyed really by you. Only your DH.

As for legal action, no chance. There has to be a consequence, a loss. And as far as I can tell, the isn't. It was a hassle, but nothing more than that.

apermanentheadache · 01/04/2014 19:36

But will you be completely covered by insurance? There is no way on earth I would go to the US with inadequate insurance and a post-op DH. The financial.impact could be huge.

verytellytubby · 01/04/2014 19:36

Would he be insured?

Enjoyingmycoffee · 01/04/2014 19:36

Will you you lose accommodation etc money by not going? Do you have insurance? The sooner you know either way, you may be able to ring the airline and chat about your miles situation

Original poster
WanttogotoDisney · 01/04/2014 19:37

Enjoying - it's academic because DH won't consider it but I disagree. What about pain and suffering from the unnecessary first op, financial loss from additional time off work and the lost value of the holiday?

OP posts:
Original poster
WanttogotoDisney · 01/04/2014 19:40

Accommodation is still cancellable. Mileage and tax will be refunded for flights. We will lose the cost of some internal flights although could possibly claim on insurance.

We have very comprehensive travel insurance through our business. We will obviously need to be clear that he is covered but will need to deal with that post op I think.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 01/04/2014 19:41

I think he is being a bit silly ,but I would just leave him to it ,be supportive and when he finally realises he won't be able to do the flight I would take the children on the holiday on my own .

OhYouBadBadKitten · 01/04/2014 19:44

Insurance is number one question I think. If hes not covered and he gets complications it will bankrupt you.

Original poster
WanttogotoDisney · 01/04/2014 19:46

I take on board the insurance point.

OP posts:
Iggi101 · 01/04/2014 19:50

How much pain can he have been in if he didn't seek a second opinion in ten years?
Could you put the holiday back a month, and still let the dc think that's their birthday? Unlikely to know the difference!

Enjoyingmycoffee · 01/04/2014 19:51

Honestly, I don't think their is a legal case. There hasn't been any negligence.

Financial loss due to additional time off work? Perhaps, if he is self employed, but only if he is not covered for this eventuality.

Pain and suffering? Really? Are we talking a couple of days of discomfort or someone more?

Lost holiday? Not. A. Chance.