To persevere with 2 year old at Pre School even though it feels wrong

[MrsSeanBean1]

My 2 year, 2 month old DD started at preschool last Friday. She goes 2 mornings a week 9am until 1pm, having her packed lunch there. It is the absolute ideal Pre School. 2 staff and only 6 children, Montessori, very child led, lots of outdoor play etc.

Last Friday she went in quite happily as she was very interested in the toys. I said bye, left and she carried on playing. When I collected her I was told that she cried for about 10 minutes then was fine. After I picked her up she seemed fine.

Today she clutched my hand as we approached the school and was clingy the whole time I was there. I said bye and the teacher distracted her. When I went to collect her I heard her crying hysterically and she clung to me all the way back to the car. They told me she had been crying all morning. She didnt join in with anything and hasn't ever eaten her lunch whilst there. At home this afternoon she has been clingy and wouldn't let me leave her to nap- something which she has never done before.

I am a stay at home mum so DD doesn't need to go to pre school. I sent her really as she has speech delay and I thought it might help her . I have just had a new baby so i was worried that she is missing out on my time a bit now. Also I felt pressure as all my friend's 2 year olds are in nursery and I am worried my DD is bring disadvantaged. I have a Masters degree in Early Years and all of my research tells me that 2 year olds ideally should be at home with someone who loves them. Logically I know this but I think that society places such pressure on parents to put their children into nursery as soon as possible. Obviously I know that some people have no choice but to me, in my situation, it feels wrong to leave my DD so upset.

I really want to stop taking her and maybe try again in September when she's a bit bigger. My mum agrees with me but my sister thinks I should persevere. I am worried that I am being too precious as I know I can be due to her being a much longed for child after years of infertility and miscarriages.

I am a former early years teacher so I do do a lot of educational activities with her at home. She sees her extended family every day and we go to a baby group every day so that she can socialise. Normally she is confident and sociable which is why her being so upset is a shock.

This afternoon I sat watching her playing naked in her paddling pool and sandpit with her little cousin and her grandma, and i cried. She was so happy and content she didnt stop laughing. She had lots of hugs and kisses, and then ate an enormous tea. It made me cry as I just thought that this is what being 2 is all about so why am I forcing something that is making me and her unhappy.

I really have no idea what to do and would value other people's opinions.

OP - 2 staff and 6 children - that's in your little ones room right? not the whole pre-school?

Montessori isn't for everyone - and in fact i think most of us have posted or searched posts on here on the 'settling in' at nursery/pre-school/childminders - it does take a few sessions for them to settle in - but she should not have been allowed to cry for that long without them calling you.

So i would say, look for a different nursery or pre-school or childminder, this a bad experience and you are entitled to go with your gut instinct and remove her - but not all pre-schools are the same and you might find that she loves a different pre-school in a couple of months time.

hth

Just wanted to comment that just because the staff/student ratio and the method of the pre-school look good, it doesn't necessarily mean it is a good school. I'm not casting aspersions either, I'm sure you were able to see that the other children were happy and contented. It's just that I was a substitute teacher in a primary school with very small class sizes that should have been perfect but was actually horrible, bad teaching and bullying.

Thank you everyone for confirming what deep down I already knew. I think I'm just having a wobble over my parenting skills, probably due to lack of sleep and a permanently crying baby. I will PM some of you when I'm up in the night with the baby - it would be good to chat to people who have had similar experiences. I feel much better now I have made a decision. I am going to email the pre school tonight and withdraw her until at least September. I can't take her again yet, my heart can't take it.

I was so worried that she would be upset at bedtime tonight so I read her lots of stories, sang all her favourite nursery rhymes and had lots of kisses and cuddles. She went to sleep chatting and laughing to her teddies. I've just come upstairs to get a few hours sleep before my nightshift with the baby so I'm going to get into bed with her now for 10 minutes and just hold her.

I was worried about telling my DH that I wanted to withdraw DD as he was very keen to send her. However, when I explained how upset she had been he totally agreed with me. He gave us both a nice cuddle, made us dinner and poured me a big glass of wine.

I have planned a lovely day for us tomorrow to make up for such a horrid one today. A nice leisurely breakfast instead of the rush we had this morning, a walk to the park and a play, making jam tarts using DDs new little food mixer and then taking them over for nanny, grandad, great grandma, great grandad and auntie to try. DH is going to come out of work for an hour tomorrow afternoon and meet us at the swimming pool for a swim. I can't wait! This thread has made me realise how much I cherish the time I spend with DD and I only want to give that up for something she really enjoys.

I'm just crashing the thread (sorry!) to say my ds has delayed speech. He's 2 years six months. I'm on mat leave with dc3 and still send my other two to nursery for two short days a week, using childcare vouchers. This thread has made me think I'm doing the wrong thing by ds and I should have him at home . I just feel so stretched that I need those few hours for myself and to spend time with the little one. Would it be better for his speech to pull him out of nursery? Anyone who has been there?

Also- have looked up that "it takes two to talk" book and I can't find it for any less than £50!! Is that how much it costs?! Or is it old/out of print?

Thank you in advance

Yay, go you! I had almost exactly this experience last September with DD3. She was 2 and 4 months, went happily to preschool (with her big sister) for 4 sessions... Then cried horribly at drop off, I rang and she had settled after 10 minutes but the first thing she said when I picked her up was 'I cried for you Mummy' and she did not want to go again. Like you I had a new baby (4 months old at the time) and I wanted that one-to-one time and the 'break' of only one child at home. But I pulled her out and it was the best thing I could have done.

She decided she wanted to go to preschool in January this year, skipped in and hasn't looked back. We now have tantrums because she wants to be there more often - such a turn around.

Well done for having the confidence in yourself, and going with your instincts. Don't feel to bad about today, she won't have been materially damaged by it and, I bet, won't even remember in a week or two. Have a great day tomorrow, hope you get some sleep tonight.

To answer a few questions:

DD is having very good NHS speech therapy. We are following the Hanen programme. We did try a private SALT alongside the NHS one but actually found the NHS one much better. I have battled hard to get a good NHS programme going for DD and so we are seen regularly. She has improved a lot since Xmas and has gone from having no words to having about 10 she uses spontaneously and being able to count to 10 with some recognisable words. She is also putting 2 words together e.g. Bye mama

The Pre School is very small and has just received an outstanding ofsted ( which I know is not the be all and end all). I chose it as it is in a very small village and only has a maximum of 10 children every day in the whole of the pre school. On my daughter's days they only have 6. The staff are more mature, mother type figures which I felt much happier with as I wanted a more family environment. I really don't think the problem is with the setting, just that my daughter isn't ready.

They did say she cried off and on And that they gave her lots of cuddles. Indeed, when I sneaked a look in the window 15 mins before collection time she was sitting on one of the lady's laps having a cuddle. She then started crying again.

Take her out. I did the same - ds a similar age, baby on the way.

I took him out and tried when he was 3. He and I were much happier!

It takes two book is very expensive. Have you tried eBay? Or the library?

Its because you have got a new baby. Thats the worst possible time to start your eldest at nursery.

Would it be better for his speech to pull him out of nursery?

What percentage of his waking hours is he in nursery? I guess it's quite small.

Nursery isn't going to do harm to his speech development even if it doesn't help it.

As long as you're talking to him in reasonably quiet environments at home, i.e. not sitting him in front of a loud tv all day, ignoring him, he'll be getting lots of good input. He'll also still be talking and developing in nursery but it may not be as valuable as one to one conversations with you.

I wouldn't put a child in a group setting in order to help their speech development but I also wouldn't take him out of nursery two short days a week if that was working for him in other ways either.

Thanks mrsseambean. I will see if the library can get it in for us. Also- at 2years 2months how did you get such a good nhs salt programme going? We've had one assessment I'm really starting to worry!

In answer to your op I'd say if she's unhappy and you don't need her to go, the. Take her out- but you know that already I did the same for my dd when j was on mat leave with her brother.

Black holes just because it is not right for op dd does mean it's wrong, if your choked us happy leave it! I'm like you, I need those few hours to rest, get housework done as ds is like a Duracell battery on fully charged all tge time. Those lovely things that op is doing with her dd, ds won't do. He does not know his to sit still, only for a few nanoseconds. Ds is with me 24/7 I don't feel a 9 hours a week will harm him, do him good to have a different environment. I still take him out and to groups too. You do what is best for you and your dc, whether it's pre school or not.

Thank you Goldmandra. He goes two days, 9-3. Sea happy to go. If he was hysterical I wouldn't send him but then he started going a while back when I was still at work. I guess it's natural to keep thinking there's something I've done wrong or something I'm not doing that I could be, etc etc!

Child doh

Blackholes - In my local authority the salts always want thr children in nursery and not at home so I think it differs by area.

Thank you Aeroflotgirl!

Blackholes- I got a good programme going by pestering....A LOT! I referred my daughter myself and I think getting upset during the 1st session and pouring my heart out to the SALT helped my case - I think she felt sorry for me.

Sadly, as with most things on the NHS, it tends to be those who can shout the loudest and are educated enough to know what they want and demand the best, that get it. And it is the children of those people who would probably do OK in life even without the additional support. I feel sorry for those people who are less able to fight for their children's rights as sadly it is them who often need the support the most.

Your welcome backholes. Ds is happy so were leaving it, of course if he was pdistressed all the time he would come out. He does not want to sit on my lap and read, or make cakes no he wants to run round the house climbing on things and tearing it apart. I have noticed is us mire settled since pre school using all that energy.

I was going to say Friday til Tuesday is absolutely no time and I would give her longer to settle in and not worry if she seems unsure at this very early stage, however as you are at home anyway and don't actually have any need to keep her there for child care reasons then if course keep her home with you if this makes both of you happier and you are there at home anyway. I agree 1 on 1 is probably better for the speech delay if you can keep her home and try her again at pre school in September.

OP you have brought a tear to my eye. Your dd is very lucky to have a mum like you. The tiredness will pass as dc2 grows but you should remember to trust your instincts, they are obv very good

I have been in your exact situation too. My DS was also 2.2yrs.
The first week (Mon/Thurs) he was fine, the following week he cried so much that they called us to pick h up. The 2nd day that week, DH took him and ended up coming back home with him as he was beside himself and so the following week, I took him and although it broke my heart, I handed him over to the staff whilst he was sobbing and forced myself to leave.
I popped back 45 mins later and it just so happened that he was walking past the door (he hadn't seen me) and was sobbing and looked so upset. I went in and took him home and after much deliberation and discussions with friends and family, I decided to pull him out. I'm a nanny and so he comes to work with me and there was no actual need for him to have to go, and I felt there was no point putting him through that when I didn't need to.
I plan to try again with a diff pre school (my original choice but they had no space) in either Sept or Jan. it's a school he knows and has been to collect my charges from so "knows" it also.
Yes I could have persevered and yes, he probably would have got used to it eventually but there was no reason to do so and so I didn't.
Pull her out - try again later in the year and enjoy the time with her, you know deep down that's what you want, and you will both be a lot happier.

Thank you for your kind words Kindle, I really need them at the moment as I am finding things very difficult. The new baby is very fussy and we have just found out that both my grandparents have got cancer- granddad has had to have his leg amputated and grandma had got terminal
Pancreatic cancer. It has hit me hard as I have seen them Almost every day of my life (37 years!) so at the moment my mom, sister and I are juggling looking after them and a total of 3 babies. Add that to sleep deprivation and it's making me an emotional mess.

I am just so thankful to have my 2 wonderful babies as they are children I never thought I'd be lucky enough to have. I feel like I have been to hell and back to get them so I know this makes me over protective which is not a good thing. My younger sister is a cancer survivor and has just had a miracle baby after a lot of chemo so we really do feel blessed despite going through a difficult period at the moment.

I just want to spend as much time as possible with my babies as they grow up so fast.

I am looking back at the thread and I'm not sure if the settling in method of the nursery is good enough. A lot of children will b fine for the first few sessions and then it kicks in - often on day three, or in the second week. It's really important to take it slowly with some children. You should have been asked to stay, and they should have called you when she was not settling, after about half an hour or so.

Do they have a settling in policy? Ask to see it. In your shoes, I would persist - but I'm a child-minder an I have settled in very challenging children. They need to take it very slowly, which I am not sure Montessori nurseries are keen on. From what I remember, don't they discourage parents to pick up before end of sessions, as they don't want children to 'wait' for their parents - they believe that this encourages children to be more focused on what is actually happening in he setting as opposed to 'waiting' for their mum. Just check what the policy is, all nurseries should have one.

As for the speech, there are valid arguments for both. But if you are tired, and feel that you would be better off having our DD somewhere for a few hours a week where she is well cared for and stimulated, I think that's right for you. We're talking two mornings a week here, not full time nursery.