To persevere with 2 year old at Pre School even though it feels wrong

[MrsSeanBean1]

My 2 year, 2 month old DD started at preschool last Friday. She goes 2 mornings a week 9am until 1pm, having her packed lunch there. It is the absolute ideal Pre School. 2 staff and only 6 children, Montessori, very child led, lots of outdoor play etc.

Last Friday she went in quite happily as she was very interested in the toys. I said bye, left and she carried on playing. When I collected her I was told that she cried for about 10 minutes then was fine. After I picked her up she seemed fine.

Today she clutched my hand as we approached the school and was clingy the whole time I was there. I said bye and the teacher distracted her. When I went to collect her I heard her crying hysterically and she clung to me all the way back to the car. They told me she had been crying all morning. She didnt join in with anything and hasn't ever eaten her lunch whilst there. At home this afternoon she has been clingy and wouldn't let me leave her to nap- something which she has never done before.

I am a stay at home mum so DD doesn't need to go to pre school. I sent her really as she has speech delay and I thought it might help her . I have just had a new baby so i was worried that she is missing out on my time a bit now. Also I felt pressure as all my friend's 2 year olds are in nursery and I am worried my DD is bring disadvantaged. I have a Masters degree in Early Years and all of my research tells me that 2 year olds ideally should be at home with someone who loves them. Logically I know this but I think that society places such pressure on parents to put their children into nursery as soon as possible. Obviously I know that some people have no choice but to me, in my situation, it feels wrong to leave my DD so upset.

I really want to stop taking her and maybe try again in September when she's a bit bigger. My mum agrees with me but my sister thinks I should persevere. I am worried that I am being too precious as I know I can be due to her being a much longed for child after years of infertility and miscarriages.

I am a former early years teacher so I do do a lot of educational activities with her at home. She sees her extended family every day and we go to a baby group every day so that she can socialise. Normally she is confident and sociable which is why her being so upset is a shock.

This afternoon I sat watching her playing naked in her paddling pool and sandpit with her little cousin and her grandma, and i cried. She was so happy and content she didnt stop laughing. She had lots of hugs and kisses, and then ate an enormous tea. It made me cry as I just thought that this is what being 2 is all about so why am I forcing something that is making me and her unhappy.

I really have no idea what to do and would value other people's opinions.

FWIW I am not thinking about sending my son till he is 2.10 in september, and if he is really unsettled I will put it off longer.

My DD went at 2.7 but she was ready - no crying or anything. My son though I think is a bit more clingy and will need longer to be ready. He will have two whole years from September before he starts school so there is hardly any rush to get him to preschool.

PS if your DD does have a speech delay, I would have the thought the best thing would be to be at home with you.

I think you need to cut yourself a fairly massive amount of slack.

She is delayed because she is delayed - it is as simple as that. It is nothing you've done or not done and her speech is completely separate to the pre-school question.

Fwiw mine was in nursery three days a week from 6 months so I'm hardly against childcare - but it sounds like this isn't the right time for your DD to be starting pre-school, especially with a new baby in the mix. I also know from chatting to DS old nursery workers that they dreaded a 2 yo starting - it is prime time for separation anxiety, whereas a younger or older child tended to breeze through.

Take her out of pre-school if it is making you and her unhappy.

Have you seen a speech and language therapist to have her speech properly assessed?

I have a Masters degree in Early Years and all of my research tells me that 2 year olds ideally should be at home with someone who loves them.

You know the answer to your question. You've studied language development and you know that children will develop at their own pace, that you can't make her speech develop any faster and that being with you will provide her with everything she needs to learn in her own time.

Stop being so hard on yourself and stop trying to fix her by putting her somewhere you know deep down won't help. You're letting your sleep deprivation shake your confidence.

I have done everything I possibly can to give her the best start, I have completely devoted my life to her so I just don't understand why she is so delayed

If any other parent said this you would tell them that her delay is nothing to do with their parenting and you'd be right. This is nature, not nurture.

Tell them she won't be back for a good long time then plan a lovely summer together.

The only person pressuring you is you.

Keep her home or send her. Just do what you feel is right. She will tell you by action when that is.

Good luck and lighten your load a little :) xxx

I think it's maybe a bit early to write it off. It'd be unusual for a 2 yr old to settle that quickly I'd think? Have you discussed it with the staff? Could you settle in more gently? Do a couple of sessions that are just an hour, talk to her lots about how it works, see how you go? If you don't need the childcare, maybe not do the lunch until she makes it clear she wants to?

Obviously it may not be for you/her; but just thinking how much my DD (just 2) loves going to her childminder, which is a similar adult/child ratio. A small preschool/nursery should be able to get the same sort of family atmosphere I'd think.

She doesn't have to go if you don't want to go. But i know that people told me my son would be fine the first couple of times he went, then go a bit clingy a few times and then go back to normal.

And that's what happened. You could try a few more times and then give it up. Preschool were amazingly supportive for my son's speech delay and of me.

You sound utterly sleep deprived though.

Hogwash and everybody else on this thread talks a lot of sense. Cut yourself some slack. You're doing more than great!

I don't think your dd is being disadvantaged by dropping out of preschool but I agree with the few who say personally they'd keep going a bit longer. A lot of kids won't just bounce happily into nursery at the start. You must do what you think is best though. Hope you get more sleep soon!

You haven't really mentioned one advantage of her going. The fact that you said she was crying 'hysterically' says enough for me.

You are doing loads with her and for her. There is no need for her to go yet. Wait till she's ready. (She may be a teensy bit jealous of leaving you with the baby.)

And btw, my DGC didn't say a word until she was 3. Speech therapy didn't make a ha'porth of difference. Can't shut her up now (6). She didn't start nursery until 3 and loved it.

Please, keep her at home.

Keep her hone. Try again in September maybe.

Have confidence in your own convictions as a mother and a professional! Keep her at home until she is 3.

Hi there, very old infant teacher, mum, nanny here.
Keep her at home, don't put both of you through the upset.
Back in the day...... No child went to pre anything until they had reached their 3rd birthday, that was the norm and even then they seemed really young. She will be happy, you will be happy.

Oh gosh your family sounds just like ours!

My DD is 2.3 and also has a speech delay. We also have a DS who is 4 months. I can relate to so much in your posts! I struggle too with thinking it must be something I've done and that is why she isn't talking...did I not talk to her enough? Is it bad genes I've passed on? Have I not socialised her enough? Is it because I got pregnant again when she was so young? Is there something "wrong" with her?

The thoughts go on and on. It is literally on my mind all the time, and I feel like we're constantly working on it, it is exhausting (especially with a new baby!). The NHS speech therapy has been next to useless and I feel like nobody really believes me about what it can be like, GP and HV just fob us off.

As for pre school I have thought about it for DD. I'm at home at the moment so we don't need it for childcare. I have decided against for now. The thought of her needing something and not being able to express herself worries me. Plus I genuinely believe that two year olds are better at home if someone can be home with them.

Does your DD have speech therapy at all? We are now seeing a private therapist once a week who charged £40 an hour, the therapist comes to our house which makes life a lot easier! We have also been teaching DD makaton and it has helped so, so much. In November she was around 12 months delayed and now is 6 months delayed. I was just thinking if you did decide to stop pre school you could put the money towards a private therapist if in your budget?

PM me if you want to chat more? Be nice to speak to someone who "gets" it :)

I'd keep her home until 3. I regret not doing so myself.

I don't know if it is helpful but I have just pulled my 2 1/2 yr old out. She hated it, just kept asking to go home. She will start preschool at 3yrs in Sept. It has been such a relief and we are loving going to activities, park, playgroups etc. We are both so much happier and I am looking forward to enjoying the summer with her.

I'd leave it for now. My ds is 2.1 and I don't think he's ready for nursery. We'll give it a go in September. maybe I should get his speech checked out as he says little and spends most of his time sitting on the dog or eating soil

My ds 2.3 has just started preschool 9.15-12, and though he cries hysterically when I leave him, he really likes it, and stops when I leave. It depends on your child, mabey leave it until she is 3. Ds has speech delay and we are seeing the SALT and gearing tests, going to pre school has really brought out his communication and confidence. I need him to go for my own sanity. He is up to mischief all the time, exploring and tearing my house down, I need that break as I gave an Autistic dd who is 7. He just needs that extra different environment and to meet it her children.

I do feel for you! :(

I think you need to trust yourself and trust your instincts. If you're happy to have her at home, have her at home. I agree that every child develops language at their own pace and she will speak when she wants to. She's probably waiting for something worthwhile to say! You're obviously a great mum so what could be better for her?

I'm a sahm to a 17 month old and been told his language is advanced (he uses short sentences in English and has many words in his second language). It's useful (and amusing) at the moment but that's all it is. When he's 18 I'm pretty sure no ones going to be able to the difference between him and a child who started talking at 4 or later... :)

My DS was a similar age when baby was born. He'd been going to nursery since 10m and was well settled, but had a wobble about it for about 6wks before calming back to normal. We'd temporarily increased his. days to cover the birth and early days and it probably unsettled him more.

She may need longer to have chance to settle, but there's no need to keep her in permanently if it's not working for your family.

DS was behind on speech but has really caught up since getting his 15 hours at 3.

Trust your instincts and let her enjoy being at home for a while. My DS2 was exactly like your DD, I took him to nursery when he was 2 and a bit as it's the thing to do and I remember watching him through the window of the nursery and he was sitting on a little car crying quietly - broke my heart. Even though people told me that he would settle if I kep leaving him, I decided to withdraw him for a while. he ended up going quite happily to a pre school at 3 and has loved school ever since (he's nearly 13!) Do what feels right for you and her, no-one else.

Leave it til she's a bit older. Personally I never understand people who say their children's speech has improved so much because of nursery. A roomful of small children with whatever ration of adults, compared to one on one time with a parent who knows and loves them? Surely one to one attention with you is going to be the best thing to help her language? I think you know this too. Have the courage of your convictions! Everyone always thinks that what they do is best, but you need to do what YOU think is right for your child.

It's the right thing for ds but not all toddlers. He has so juicy energy and needs that different stimulation. Staff tell me all is going well and he seems happy with a smile, when I return.

So much sorry