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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed about this?

96 replies

Emilizz · 28/03/2014 22:52

My dd has a group of friends who tend to socialise around each others houses.

Over the last 3 years they have frequently spent a Friday or Saturday evening st our house and I always give them either home cooked food or a treat like Dominos.

Tonight my dd was invited to a party at one of her friends. Apparrently they ordered pizza and asked for a £3 contribution from each person. My dd and most of the girls didn't have any money with her so the mum said they could give
It to the girl in school on Monday.

Have to say I was a bit :-o

OP posts:
LondonNinja · 28/03/2014 23:43

It's weird inviting someone for a party and then telling them, after the event, that money is expected. Plain rude. Fine if you at least warn them, then they can say no, as they may be having cashflow problems that no one knows anything about.

YANBU.

AgentZigzag · 28/03/2014 23:47

The Mum might not know how much her DD eats at the OPs house WooW, at 12+ YO (OPs DD will turn out to be 23, mark my words Grin) they can start clamming up as to what they get up to. If she was told she probably thought what the OP buys is her own affair and didn't reckon it in when she decided to charge them for the pizza.

What about all the other girls the OP bought pizza for? Do they know they're in debt to the OP too? And that is kind of what it sounds like, especially when the OP posted about the lift to try and make the other mum sound more unreasonable.

Is it the mention of Dominos that's put your back up PomB? Grin

EverythingCounts · 28/03/2014 23:47

If they were strapped for cash, to the point where they needed to ask for £3 for the pizza, they should have said first. Not fair to spring it on anyone. A party is something where you pay for the stuff you provide.

WooWooOwl · 28/03/2014 23:49

Fucking hell Pom, are you the mother the OP is referring to?

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 28/03/2014 23:55

YANBU: I think it's the lack of prior warning giving them the option not to go and the putting of the girls in an awkward position. It's also pretty bad manners and inhospitable, especially for a birthday party and if the girls go to a number of houses, not just that one.

AgentZigzag · 29/03/2014 00:00

It depends on how many girls/how many pizzas Everything.

WooWooOwl · 29/03/2014 00:04

Whether there's 2 girls or 20, they should still be earned that normal manners are going to be ignored for the night so they'd be expected to pay.

ENormaSnob · 29/03/2014 00:04

Yanbu

WooWooOwl · 29/03/2014 00:04

Warned, not earned!

Fefifo · 29/03/2014 00:09

If the mother didn't have money for pizza then she shouldn't have bloody well ordered one and fed the girls something else.

YANBU in the slightest

MoominsYonisAreScary · 29/03/2014 01:29

A birthday party?

Yanbu who has a party for their child and then asks for money for takeaway, don't have a party or don't buy takeaway if you can't afford it

l12ngo · 29/03/2014 01:32

Pretty mean from the parent but as others have said, it could be down to finances. I feel more for the DD of the mother because it'll reflect on her within her peer group.

wigglesrock · 29/03/2014 06:50

Had she already provided food & they "fancied" a takeaway? Still not sure how old the kids are?. Was it a party or just friends hanging out because it was someone's birthday?

CeliaFate · 29/03/2014 07:14

Yanbu, but maybe the Mum is in financial difficulty. Even so, I think I would have had fewer friends or just had them round to my house and bought cheap pizzas from Asdas, rather than ask for cash particularly if you weren't aware of the arrangement.

Booboostoo · 29/03/2014 08:03

If it's a party or a sleep over or any pre-organised activity the parent should have budgeted for the costs like feeding everyone. If pizza is too expensive, she should have cooked something cheaper.

If the girls just pop over all the time with no warning I can see why it would get expensive, but you seem to have to put up with that without complaint!

Doubtfuldaphne · 29/03/2014 08:12

I dont understand why she would order a dominoes for everyone if she can't afford it! You don't ask for contributions for food!!

Joysmum · 29/03/2014 08:18

We have the situation where friends of DD are from families that are struggling to get by whilst we are lucky to have reached a stage where we are comfortable now.

When I take the girls out or spend on them, I treat them because I want to and there is no expectation of anything in return. It strikes me you should adopt the same policy. If you do anything for anyone, do it because you like being able to.

How can you expect people of all economic backgrounds to mix without trouble if you don't?

bakingaddict · 29/03/2014 08:37

I think what the OP has a problem with isn't what she buys for her DD's friends it's about the lack of generosity of spirit in the other girl's mum. Whether you can compete with the buying power of other parents is immaterial but if you know that your child gets treated quite nicely when they go to a sleepover then you just try and reciprocate that.

It doesn't have to mean buying equally expensive Domino's pizza, as other people have said just go to Aldi or Lidl or organize an fun evening by getting them to make their own pizzas, ingredients are cheap just need flour, yeast tomato puree and a bit of cheese and ham but to charge young girls £3 to eat at your house when you are hosting them just shows the lack of basic good manners in this mum

bebows · 29/03/2014 08:41

Maybe mum had money for pizza but girls went ott ordering all and sundry extras that mum couldn't afford

WooWooOwl · 29/03/2014 08:49

If it was the case that the girls asked for extras then the mum could have said no! If she has enough voice to ask for money from her invited birthday guests, then surely she has enough voice to tell them that they can only order pizza.

It sounds to me like the OP is more than happy to host and pay for things for her daughters friends, and she does do it because she wants to. The problem comes when other people want to host and then expect their guests to pay for it.

Shonajoy · 29/03/2014 08:51

I think that's really tight. Personally I wouldn't have had a meal if I couldn't afford to pay, I'd have baked a cake and let them watch a film or something.

Reminds me of my ex colleague in work, she said "will I get a birthday card for Jane?" (My other colleague) and then reminded me TWICE via a note and an email that I owed her fifty pence.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 29/03/2014 09:05

Bloody hell Pom, has this thread wound you up by any chance? Wink

For what it's worth, I'm a bit Hmm that party mum expected them to have money on them if she hadn't given them warning that there was payment required.

If she's skint then Dominoes isn't available, simple as that, it's bloody extortionate!

I'd give the £3 Monday.

Topaz25 · 29/03/2014 09:42

I think it's rude and petty to charge children for food at a party, particularly when her child has previously enjoyed your hospitality for free. She could just have provided sandwiches and crisps or supermarket pizza if she couldn't afford takeaway. I would pay the £3 this time but politely ask the mum to let you know in advance if your DD needs to bring money to a party in the future. That might clue the mum in that this isn't the done thing.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 29/03/2014 09:43

I feel sorry for the birthday girl. I can imagine this is topic of conversation among all the friends invited and their families.

OP, YANBU.

rookiemater · 29/03/2014 09:45

YANBU that's weird.

If the Mum was short of funds she could have bought Asda value pizzas instead which in my opinion don't taste that much different from Dominoesat a fraction of the price.

I'd pay it this time, but going forward tell DD that if she wants to go to this girls house then she needs to pay from it out of her own pocket money.

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