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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be offended my husband has been invited to a wedding without me?

87 replies

PurplePotPlant · 28/03/2014 16:11

Friend of DH, who I know but am not close to, is getting married at a location bloody miles from where we all live. Save the date arrived yonks ago, now invite has arrived for just DH.

I personally feel its rude as its basically asking my DH to support and witness the importance of their marriage, whilst disregarding the importance of ours.

AIBU?

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 28/03/2014 16:30

Yanbu it's bloody rude and disrespectful. I can understand not inviting kids but to not invite partners is not acceptable.
If it was my DH he wouldn't have went as he would have found this just as rude.

Original poster
PurplePotPlant · 28/03/2014 16:31

Oscar - only he attended ours as at that point they had not met (and he was single, and if i recall correctly disappeared into the orchard with a bridesmaid for a while...)

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 28/03/2014 16:33

It's extremely rude. I thought it was customary to include a "plus 1" when inviting people you know are single.
To exclude one half of a married couple, whether you know them or not, is ill mannered in the extreme.

BigW · 28/03/2014 16:34

Personally, I think it is rude. We had couples at our wedding where neither of us had ever met the other half, but we wouldn't have even considered inviting just one. If I got invited without DH, I wouldn't go and vice versa.

eightandthreequarters · 28/03/2014 16:35

YANBU. It is rude to invite only one partner of a couple. It is also rude to invite a single friend without extending a +1 should they like to take someone with them. I know weddings are expensive, but why throw a party at all if you're going to be disrespectful to your guests or their partners?

People can bang on about the practicality all they like... but it is rude.

CynicalandSmug · 28/03/2014 16:36

Yabu, married couples can actually spend time apart! And of course the couple getting married should invite who they want there. It's their big day, their choice.

struggling100 · 28/03/2014 16:37

I think that's odd. I don't think I'd go to a wedding if DH wasn't invited - it would feel very weird.

Are you sure it's definitely just for DH, and that they haven't simply assumed the +1? (They may have got into that embarrassing situation I had last Christmas, when I couldn't remember the first name of the woman who lives over the road from me, and I was desperately hoping she'd send me a Christmas card so that I wouldn't have to write one of those 'Mr and Mrs X' cards (which I hate!))

Preciousbane · 28/03/2014 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BelleateSebastian · 28/03/2014 16:38

YANBU fucking rude!!

eightandthreequarters · 28/03/2014 16:39

Of course married couples can spend time apart. I'm sure OP and her DH spend plenty of time pursuing their own interests. And perhaps had OP been invited, she would have suggested that her DH go on his own.

But to not invite her is just plain rude.

ICantFindAFreeNickName · 28/03/2014 16:40

I have been to a few work colleague's weddings where partners where not invited. The thinking was, if they invited the people they worked with, they could invite the whole department, if they invited partners as well, they could only invite half the department, and would have to select who would / would not be invited. Is it really fair to have to invite someone's partner that you have never met, rather than a colleague that you work with every day.
With friends, I think it would depend on what context you normally socialise with them. So if they were friends from playing football together, then it would be reasonable to not invite partners.

Blueberrybaby · 28/03/2014 16:41

I agree with you. YANBU. I think it is very odd and quite rude to invite only one of the couple, even if you don't know them that well, you have met them, so it's not like you are strangers.

LettertoHermioneGranger · 28/03/2014 16:41

Very rude. I understand if someone is having a tiny wedding, it can be tempting to invite one half of a couple if inviting both wouldn't be an option due to numbers, but it's bad etiquette. If they're not having a small wedding, there's no excuse.

Was the save the date addressed to both? Could your DH ring them? I'm almost inclined to believe it was a mistake when addressing the envelopes.

"Honey, what's Bob's wife's name again? I've got the invitation half written." "Oh, it's slipped my mind, I'll need to check..." Gets distracted, never happens, invitation gets sent out. I could just be grasping at straws, but stranger things have happened.

CocoCha · 28/03/2014 16:43

It's weird. My dh has just said he wouldn't go.

kelda · 28/03/2014 16:45

YABU. My dh was invited to a colleague's wedding party, without me. ALl the colleagues were invited. I was a bit surprised, but not bothered.

Yama · 28/03/2014 16:46

I think it's rude.

I can understand your dh not wanting to go on his own. I don't think my dh would either. Especially if it involves travelling. Good excuse not to go though.

Laquila · 28/03/2014 16:46

I'd be mildly irritated as I love weddings, but I wouldn't take real offence - at the end of the day, as drquin pointed out more eloquently than me upthread, it's an invitation, and they're not under any obligation to invite you, or to allow single people to bring plus 1s, or to invite children. Just as none of the invitees are under any obligation to attend.

When planning my guest list I took the view that I didn't want to be looking back at my photos in twenty years time wondering who the hell people were. I also didn't invite people I hadn't met (with one exception for a family member's wife).

I'm not saying that either of these conditions apply to you, I'm just making the point that wedding etiquette/strategy isn't inscribed on stone tablets somewhere - it really is up to the bride and groom to make their own rules, whilst doing their best to diplomatically balance numbers, budget, logistics, family politics, venue limitations etc.

PuppyMonkey · 28/03/2014 16:48

Yanbu and I think it's very odd not to invite you as well. But the bit in your op where you talk about them disregarding the importance of your marriage is Grin. Get a grip.

I'd be tempted to play ignorant and just turn up with DH anyway and embarrass the shit out of them. "I'm so sorry, it never occurred to me that DH wouldn't be allowed to take a guest along?!!!"

MummytoMog · 28/03/2014 16:49

I was invited to a wedding without DH - my friends have never met him, and it was a small wedding. I was perfectly happy to accept. Why should they invite some random bloke to their wedding? It's not like I won't know anyone there....

QuacksForDoughnuts · 28/03/2014 16:50

Well, at least if they are not inviting any partners (and your husband isn't the only person invited who has one, iyswim) it isn't personal to you. I would find that less offensive than, say, getting left out when another friend was bringing someone they'd dated for two weeks when the invites went out. (The latter isn't personal experience btw, just a counterpoint)

Bowlersarm · 28/03/2014 16:52

Really really rude.

Quite petty, but I wouldn't be happy with my DH if he planned on going.

Original poster
PurplePotPlant · 28/03/2014 16:52

Definitely not a mistake - envelope addressed to Mr PurplePotPlant and invitation inside is just his first name. Can't remember what was on the envelope for the save the date.

Think DH is planning on using distance as an excuse not to go.

OP posts:
QuacksForDoughnuts · 28/03/2014 16:53

MtM, fair enough that it was a small wedding, but do you/your friends get married so quickly that husbands remain 'random blokes' by the time the next wedding happens?

Original poster
PurplePotPlant · 28/03/2014 16:55

(would like to point out choice not to go is his, if he wanted to go I'm not petty enough to stop him but am secretly quite glad as the money he would've been spending on travel and hotel can be used for our holiday together instead)

OP posts:
MintyChops · 28/03/2014 16:57

oscar, if the OP's DH declines, he won't look rude. He will look like he is declining an invitation. Not rude, happens all the time. He also won't look as though he can't move without her, just that he is declining the invitation.

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