To think actively looking up your past posts isn't really on?

[myotherusernamestaken]

Regular but name changed, naice ham, pom bears, cutted up pear etc

DH and I had a disagreement tonight, details of which are irrelevant really but it transpired in this disagreement that he had actively looked up all my past posts on here at some point and then tonight used them against me chapter and verse.

In a nutshell, we went through some issues last year, I sought some advice from you lovely ladies and confided that I'd set a mental date in my head to work towards and that if, with effort, things hadn't improved by that date then I had to make the choice to leave.

A few weeks ago I mentioned a thread on here to him, jokingly. We have been getting along well and tbh I thought our issues were behind us. He tells me he looked up that thread, found my username and then looked through my past posts. I've name changed since then so it's not an issue now, but I said I thought that to actively seek out my posts like that was frankly a bit weird and I feel massively betrayed by it. The thread I mentioned was hundreds of comments long so I think he's actually been on my laptop and come onto Mumsnet that way, otherwise how did he know which was my post?

I pointed out that I came here for advice and perspective (and got it you lovely lot) and that my posts here were as personal to me as a diary would be.
He's gone to bed. I'm sat here with that horrible hurt feeling in my tummy feeling betrayed and generally wondering whether things have improved or not.

Thoughts? If IABU I am perfectly willing to accept that, not sure it will help change how I currently feel though.

Goldmandra, you're comparing apples and oranges. He didn't search through her computer and hack her account on a private forum (which is your locked diary comparison). To quote OP "He tells me he looked up that thread, found my username and then looked through my past posts."

So either her username is very obvious and jumped out at him, or her posts are very obvious and he easily identified her. She TOLD him about the thread and the site. If it were my husband, I would then search the posts only to see what else he wrote (thinking what was his opinion on x). I wouldn't consider it snooping as he 1/ told me about the site 2/ he was so identifiable (hell, I'd probably be chuffed I figured out it was him and also told him I "found" his username. Also giving him the opportunity to change it.) I would be shocked if the search came back detailing all our personal problems over the last year aired out on a public forum!

OP is livid? How the hell do you think her husband feels? It's not anonymous to him, is it?

My DH knows my username and I know his iPhone code - I would still consider it snooping if he looked up my posts and if I searched through his texts though. I think it's a moral dilemma and that's why it's the motivation that's the key issue and not the act itself. He has secretly looked for and then used that information against her.

Just realised, the things I posted last year about my timeline to leave weren't posted from the nn on the jokey thread but from a previous username. Can he link back to previous nn from the one he had for me or has he been snooping for a while?

To confirm, the nn I used had no clickable profile for me if that makes any difference.

how did he identify you? how identifiable are your problems? were you logged in?

Although its a public forum, your DH would not have known it was you discussing/seeking advice. So for him to look into your posts to then find all of your posts, is plainly wrong, and creepy. Not relevant at all that its public when someone has actively searched for you. I think your best friend maybe right op :)

If he logged onto your mumsnet there is a threads I started tab. That covers every thread under any NC from the same account.

To be perfectly honest I can see why you feel betrayed. However if I got any inkling that my partner has posted our personal problems/situations to an online internet forum I think I would have a look.

It's my life too that's been put out there and along with everyone else on mumsnet I would feel I had a right to read what's been written about me.

This is why I wouldn't mention MN in RL to someone I had written a thread about. I was recently recognised on MN (I think) and whilst it was annoying and I did NC for a little while I actually changed back. If someone found my posts online then so be it.

I never log out and my laptop is on the chair arm downstairs so as I say he has time in a morning to go into it and look.
I never logged out because I trusted him not to go snooping I guess.

He would have identified himself from the problem yes, but to be honest this was way back in September/October last year and he really wouldn't have known about my posts here then, much less have been reading the forums.

He doesn't really get online much so the chances of him browsing and thinking "that's me" are slim to none.

The only way he could know my previous nn is if he could link it back though the name change or unless he's been looking at my posts for a while.

Meep, so to have found my previous username he would have had to have been on my computer when was logged in and looked back that way then.

Wow.

you see, this is exactly the reason why i namechange regularly. now i have nothing to hide, but i hate the thought of every word ive ever spoken [or written] being thrown back at me by strangers on the internet

If someone i loved did it... id feel very betrayed too

Just had a quick look and yes, on my profile is a list of all the nn I've used, so yes, looks like he's been accessing my account.

I've changed my password on my main account. If I was verging on the "ok I can understand his googling it" before I'm now stunned that seemingly been accessing computer to read through my mn posts.
What else? My emails? My Twitter? Facebook messages etc?

I'm going to change my password to every account I hold online i think, even though my laptop is now password protected I'd feel happier.

Yeah, if you don't log out of mumsnet it would be very easy for anyone that has access to your laptop to see everything you have ever started.

How the hell do you think her husband feels?

I think he feels exactly how anyone should feel who goes snooping where they know they shouldn't and discovers things they didn't want to know.

He'd probably feel the same if she had confided in friends and he found out what she had said to them.

At least on MN nobody else knows who she is talking about.

I don't like the sound of "used them against me chapter and verse"

He's been very intrusive. Then again if I knew my OH had been discussing me on a forum and I had access to it, being only human Id be tempted to look, too. But tbh its the fact that he brought up what you'd written in your posts, and its not relevant to your situation now. So I guess technically, he could do that in the future whenever he likes. Not good. Holding onto past stuff like that isn't helpful for your relationship at all.

In hindsight it would have been better not to tell him you'd posted on here. The temptation for him to look at what you've said is too great. Most people would be offended if they knew you'd discussed private issues between you and they with a mate, much less on a forum inviting various opinions. I do understand how you feel though..yes its a public forum but its mainly an advice forum and people put private thoughts on here.

Im actually put off sometimes by the thought that privacy is invaded on here. Ive seen a few posts where women say they've shown DH their thread. I can see it MAY be relevant in some circumstances..but certainly not all. There've been a couple of posts where DH has actually come on to the thread. I imagine all sorts..say, people knowing their friends have posted on here and then pointing out to their DH for instance 'Oh look what so n so's posted on MN'. The only way to ensure your own privacy is to not give anyone your username/password protect your laptop/never leave your MN screen open in error. Complicated...

The only way to ensure your own privacy is to not give anyone your username/password protect your laptop/never leave your MN screen open in error. Complicated...

....or you could foster a relationship where you each understand that the other may need to sound off at or ask for a different perspective from someone outside the relationship from time to time and not get all insecure and go snooping.

I wouldn't get DH's mate drunk and quiz them about what he says about me when they go off for weekends together and I trust him not to go snooping in my MN account when my back is turned.

In hindsight it would have been better not to tell him you'd posted on here. The temptation for him to look at what you've said is too great. Most people would be offended if they knew you'd discussed private issues between you and they with a mate, much less on a forum inviting various opinions.

To clarify. OH knows I post on here, but not in what capacity. I've never posted something to garner a response then said "Oh but half of MN think you are wrong!"
I've mentioned the odd post by others to him, I read them out loud. Mostly amusing stuff like the jockstrap in the greengage tree and should I sue costa etc. At no point have I said 'and by the way I post on there for relationship advice'.

The more I think about it the more saddened I am actually.
I originally thought that he'd identified me from a thread I'd read out to him which I'd posted on using lets say Nickname B. I was probably identifiable using Nickname B. He could have read the thread and known that was me.
When I asked him last night he mentioned Nickname A. Thats an old NN I was using before Christmas. Now he can't link the two if he was looking at the thread on his own machine because Nickname B had no clickable profile and nothing leading back to Nickname A, which leads me to only one conclusion. He's been onto my computer and into my profile to see the list of usernames I've had in the past.

That goes slightly beyond reading a thread, thinking 'oh thats my wife, lets have a quick look at her past posts'. That level of sneakiness to go onto my computer, into my profile and then search posts from all my old NN's is frankly bloody weird.

YABU

i have to say that if my DP was on here talking about me and asking advice from random people about our relationship I would want to know what's being said. This is a public forum so I don't think it's the same as going through emails or phones etc You should name change for that stuff and spare his feelings.

Not creepy at all. Looks like you should do someone talking with him. I'd be hurt too

Why don't you talk to him and ask him how he found the posts instead of coming here whinging about him again? Surely he'll see the new ones too?

I have posted my problems here, sometimes about dh. I'm anonymous here. if any of you judge me, I don't care. if I tell MN something about my husband that then leaves a bad impression of him I don't care. If I tell my family/friends that he's done x y z they will change their opinion of my dh. I don't want to tarnish rl peoples opinions of my dh because of an argument/marital issues that may blow over. I vent here, get outside opinions and often support, without damaging our lives and outside relationships. Dh knows I post here. He knows my name. He often asks what I'm posting. But I would feel betrayed if he searched me or hijacked my account to spy on me would he rather you air your dirty laundry to friends and family who presumably know and currently like him? His friends and family would probably like him less, judge him as we do, but at least he wouldn't know what you'd said in anger/ hurt/ looking for support. We are not islands, and when our partner, who we would normally talk to, is the one causing anguish, we naturally share and discuss with others to help us.

When dh and I went through a bad patch MN was invaluable to me. As it happens one of my threads dh and I read through together and tbh it made us both reflective and helped us. It's very useful to see how your relationship reads to strangers, how your actions are perceived from the outside. But he asked me to read it. He knew id been posting, was obviously curious, but respectful of my privacy. Why didn't your dh ask you? Lack of respect is obvious, as you don't respect the person you spy on. Lack of trust? He's certainly been deceitful, he can't claim to have read it in hear of the moment, but he let on in anger- if he'd read it ,been angry and confronted you it's one thing, but I think I'm right in saying he read it, kept hold of it, and used it either calculatingly in an argument, where the knowledge of his intrusion would hurt most, or accidentally in an argument where he wanted to continue spying, but let the cat out of the bag so to speak

Guineapig I don't give a rats ass if he does see this. I said some way back that I could almost guarantee he will see this because he'll go looking, I also said that there is nothing on here I wouldn't say to his face.

I have asked him how he found the posts, I'm waiting for an answer on that one, but given there is no way to tie usernames together the only possible answer is he's been on my computer. At this point I might have more respect for him if he held his hands up and admitted it.

AIBU is full of posts from people trying to gain perspective in their relationships and friendships. Lets be honest it wouldn't exists without those posts.

Pregnantpause that rang true, especially

he can't claim to have read it in hear of the moment, but he let on in anger- if he'd read it ,been angry and confronted you it's one thing, but I think I'm right in saying he read it, kept hold of it, and used it either calculatingly in an argument, where the knowledge of his intrusion would hurt most, or accidentally in an argument where he wanted to continue spying, but let the cat out of the bag so to speak

I don't know when he read it, but certainly not in the argument because he never left the room so couldn't have done it last night. He's obviously done it at some point since last September and held on to that.
September was horrible, for both of us. A life changing month and emotions were high when I made my posts. But as I said I thought we'd moved forwards but obviously he's been checking up on me all along.

It's the same as eavesdropping, isn't it? Utterly contemptable behaviour. It's said that those who listen behind closed doors rarely hear good of themselves - there's a reason for that!

I think it's human nature to want to know what people say about us behind our back, a certain amount of insecurity and curiosity is part of the human condition.

The internet has opened up a Pandora's box as now people are discussing the most intimate aspects of their lives and the lives of the people they know with complete strangers, and all that information is being recorded.

I think a huge number of people, knowing that their partner had been talking about them with strangers, would want to know what was said. It is all very well excusing it as being anonymous, but when you see things about yourself written down in permanent and searchable form that you wouldn't want anyone else to know it certainly doesn't feel anonymous.

Also, anonymity only goes so far, sometimes real life identities do get revealed and suddenly the person written about may find themselves the unwelcome subject of one of those internet meme's that spreads like wildfire around the world! I think that possibility gives people at least some legitimate cause for concern and I would find it hard to blame someone who wanted to monitor that to feel like that had some level of control over what was being published about them without their consent.

Bluegrass I agree with all you've said. Thats the reality of life, isn't it? In a perfect world no-one would eavesdrop on another but when you know your private life is recorded in print rare is the person who wouldnt look, I think. We don't live in a perfect world and the internet is a double-edged sword.

My main concern is a person bringing up what they've seen as part of an argument. Perhaps going on to mention it regularly. It just does no good.

OP if you don't care that he will see your current post then good for you, I suppose. Not sure it will help you to move forward in your relationship, though...yet another post (which may be what he will think when he sees it but if you don't mind possibility of him thinking that then, all good) when you could (hopefully) actually talk this particular situation out with your man face to face. It seems a bit like gameplaying tbh, to put up another post you know he will see. Still, maybe it will inspire a conversation about personal boundaries and snoopers not tending to hear much good about themselves..hence, better not to look.