To think actively looking up your past posts isn't really on?

[myotherusernamestaken]

Regular but name changed, naice ham, pom bears, cutted up pear etc

DH and I had a disagreement tonight, details of which are irrelevant really but it transpired in this disagreement that he had actively looked up all my past posts on here at some point and then tonight used them against me chapter and verse.

In a nutshell, we went through some issues last year, I sought some advice from you lovely ladies and confided that I'd set a mental date in my head to work towards and that if, with effort, things hadn't improved by that date then I had to make the choice to leave.

A few weeks ago I mentioned a thread on here to him, jokingly. We have been getting along well and tbh I thought our issues were behind us. He tells me he looked up that thread, found my username and then looked through my past posts. I've name changed since then so it's not an issue now, but I said I thought that to actively seek out my posts like that was frankly a bit weird and I feel massively betrayed by it. The thread I mentioned was hundreds of comments long so I think he's actually been on my laptop and come onto Mumsnet that way, otherwise how did he know which was my post?

I pointed out that I came here for advice and perspective (and got it you lovely lot) and that my posts here were as personal to me as a diary would be.
He's gone to bed. I'm sat here with that horrible hurt feeling in my tummy feeling betrayed and generally wondering whether things have improved or not.

Thoughts? If IABU I am perfectly willing to accept that, not sure it will help change how I currently feel though.

This is partly why I now name change every month to six weeks, add my current name suggests. I don't think dh could ever be bothered to look me up, but if he did, there's no point in me handing it to him on a plate.

Thanks for the name check

How gutting for you.
How manipulative of him.

My husband knows my username but I would be very disappointed in him if he used it to snoop on past posts and then used those against me.

Makes no odds if it's a public place or not.. its an invasion of privacy to actively hunt out he past of your other half. I would go nuts I think.

Where do you go from here OP? A proper chat is needed I think :(

I think I'd be more bothered by my DH discussing our relationship with a friend we both know than anonymously on an internet forum.

The friend will know about that conversation every time they see me whereas nobody would know that what they'd read on the forum was actually about me.

IMO it's less public on MN because, unless they choose not to be anonymous, only the OP knows who it is about and you don't have to rely on friends being discreet.

As some others have said, it's a public forum and he probably wanted to know what you were saying about him. I have no idea if my husband knows my username but he can look if he wants (and at emails etc) as I have nothing to hide from him. If I felt I needed a high level of secrecy and hide stuff I wouldn't be with him.

YABU. you mentioned the thread to him, he looked at the thread. You posted these comments on a PUBLIC discussion forum, that anyone can read. There's nothing private about it.

I would not like it, but I agree with ^

As WhereYouLeftIt said, it's a public forum, but we are all anonymous here. I have no idea who anyone else is on these boards. Would anyone post as freely as they do now under their real name?

I think this is a massive invasion of privacy. And a bit stalky.

This is not a nice feeling at OP. Something similar happened to me - posted under a name change about an issue and not only did DH find it but showed his sister

at all ^

I think it's tricky. I wouldn't want DP to come online to a forum ("anonymous" or not) and moan when we had an argument or when I'd done something that annoyed him. I do post on here but I have never said anything negative about him, and he has full access to my laptop and I would have no objection to him reading my posts.

I've gotten a lot of help for my depression and anxiety on here, and it's help that he can't give me on his own. He's fully appreciative that I need outside help and that talking to strangers about it can be very helpful, but that's very different to me coming on here slagging him off.

If he told me he'd written about us on a forum, I would definitely think about looking it up and figuring out what had been said.

If your DP had asked to read your thread/s then that would be different entirely. For me it would be the furtiveness of looking behind your back that would distress me.

What was said? Did he have anything to say about your thread? Did you tell him you would have preferred to have been asked?

I have a username that DH doesn't know for threads specifically about him. He knows this one.

On the rare occasions i have posted specifically about him it has been actually in distress ... not just a 'slagging off'.

Ok to clarify some things.

Popcorn. I have no doubt whatsoever that oh will read this because won't be able to resist. Everything I posted on here I said to his face last night. I told him how I felt.

The post I initially mentioned to him was a jokey thread, as I have said from there he found my username and read everything I've posted under that name.
I didn't say "oh go and look at x thread and whilst you are there look me up as well" in fact,I read the thread out to him so he had no need to even be on mn to read it in the first place.

I personally think that he's using the jokey thread as his excuse and that he purposefully sought me out.

Fluffy, we were discussing something else when he shouted something like "what do you care you are fucking off in August anyway!"

Now only mn and my bf knew that was my mental date for things to improve and I knew bf wouldn't say anything so I instantly knew he'd been looking me up on here. At that point began the back tracking of looking up the joke thread.

If I felt I needed a high level of secrecy and hide stuff I wouldn't be with him.

You're lucky to be in such a healthy relationship.

There are thousands of threads on MN in which posters are saying things they couldn't say to their DP's faces. Not just slagging off but posters genuinely feeling isolated, frightened, unhappy and confused, asking for support, perspective and other people's experiences. These are ofeen things they simply couldn't risk saying to people who know them in RL.

Would those who are saying that this isn't an invasion of privacy be so happy to pipe up with this view on one of those threads or would they support the OP and offer advice? I suspect the latter because anonymity is one of the biggest benefits of MN.

MN is also a good place to vent when we know it wouldn't be helpful to say certain things to someone's face , even in a healthy relationship. We choose to say it anonymously because we don't want to hurt the other person. If they then actively seek out our private posts, they are getting the same comeuppance as other snoopers and eavesdropper who hear no good of themselves.

This is like standing by a door and listening in on a conversation. The conversation might be taking place in a public place but it's still eavesdropping.

I would feel strange about this too but is another symptom rather than a cause of problems? Him shouting "what do you care you're fucking off in August" sounds like he's sad about all this too.

Thing is sauce, as I explained to him last night, at the time emotions were high. I'm an impulsive person at the best of times and at that time I wanted to get out of the marriage because I felt completely alone and like he didn't care. I'd spoken briefly about it to my mum whom I normally wouldn't have involved but at that point she could see I was so completely miserable and had been for months she'd asked me outright what was going on.

Mum wanted me to pack a bag and come home. Impulsive me would usually have done that but for the first time my life I decided to give it my all, try and get through this and hope that things improve. I'd mentally set the date because if things hadn't changed and I still felt the same then I really had to make some decisions. Without the support I got here I probably would have packed the bag and walked out on twenty years together.

It really hurts to think that whilst I've been thinking we are closer than ever and we through this he's been checking up me and everything I thought we'd achieved is one sided.

You're not anonymous. He was able to tell who you were from one post among hundreds, as you've pointed out. I would be hurt if I found my husband discussing our problems on a public forum (because I would recognise myself, it wouldn't make me feel better it was "anonymous"). However, I would be fucking furious if he told me which forum he reads/is a member of, even told me about a particular thread so I could "hunt down" his username. If you need an anonymous outlet on a public forum, keep it anonymous!

It's not so much the snooping, although I understand why this has upset you.
The thing I would be most angry about is that he used your posts as ammunition against you.

Sure it's a public forum - but I think his behaviour is despicable.

OP - the bottom line is you have done nothing wrong. I don't demand my DH tells me every single word he's said at work with friends. He's entitled to a life away from me and I see MN as my escape place from my family. We can have a privacy and space to discuss feelings.

I don't think your DH was right to do this. His motivations are the key rather than what he's done.

However, I would be fucking furious if he told me which forum he reads/is a member of, even told me about a particular thread so I could "hunt down" his username.

What if you had a private, locked diary in which you wrote your innermost thoughts? Would it be your fault if your DH decided to break the lock (because he could) then didn't like what he read and used it to taunt you?

I think it is invasive, I would definitely not like it. Even though I have nothing to hide.
I would question why he felt the need to snoop. Is he insecure?
Furthermore, your dh has learnt a lesson of the heart, why would he want to know what you are thinking, because at that moment in time, you were planning to leave and it couldn't have been good to discover that. At times we all feel angry and negative towards someone, it doesn't mean they would benefit from knowing about it.
It's a bit like, be careful what you wish for, in times of hurt or difficultly I have wished for something that actually in reality when the red mist has cleared I would never want to happen.
I hope you can talk it through, I learnt at a very young age don't write too much down. Someone always finds it, it never works in your favour.

I don't agree that you have no right to privacy just because this is a public forum. I don't post here under my real name, and anyone may read what I write but they don't know who I am. Nor do my posts name any individuals. Now if your name was Amy Smith and your dh was John Smith and you wrote 'Im Amy Smith and I think John Smith is a complete dick and I'm leaving him for x y and z reasons' on a public forum then that's different (Sorry any John Smiths out there!)

What he did was completely out of line imo.

I think your DH was being very unreasonable to look through like that. I'd hope he just used google and didn't check bookmarks or internet history. I do think you and he need to talk now because it sounds like you are both very upset- you because he's invaded your privacy and used it against you and he because he's had to find out via an internet forum that his wife has a 'cut off date' for your relationship.

I can imagine I'd feel very resentful in both situations. He shouldn't have looked it up and invaded your privacy, he's had a nasty realisation from it. What's done is done though and you both need to air what you are feeling and talk about this, then decide where you want to go from there.

Although we are anonomised it's always worth remembering that if we put enough information out there then someone may be able to see us. I had to namechange because a friend started on mumsnet and recognised a story about a mutual friend. It was purely accidental, unlike this, but the uncomfortable realisation was the same and I namechanged so hopefully I could post- especially questions which I wanted opinion on- without her knowing. Given that on one occasion she royally pissed me off and hurt me, I din't want her finding that and getting a) upset- since it's now in the past and b) bringing it up again.

Yes I have been told I have been watched too and I should worry about ds seeing my awful spiteful lies

it's a little creepy like bugging someone's phone