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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask teacher about this at parent teacher meeting?

16 replies

ginmakesitallok · 26/03/2014 19:14

Got meeting with dds teacher tomorrow night. She's got 2 best friends, let's call them Anna and Belle. A couple of years ago Anna's mum wrote to school accusing dd of bullying Anna, turned out to be a storm in a teacup, with both girls just being as bad as each other, and best friends again within a week. No problems since. So Belle joins school a while ago, she and dd hit it off, belle and Anna don't get on so well, dd acts as peace keeper. From what did tells me a and b are as bad as each other, each calls each other names occasionally, but it blows over.

So, a couple of weeks ago a and b fall out again, a comes out of school crying one day. Dd says a started arguing with b, b called a a sdafty and a started crying. Next day all is well and I think no more about it. However, a's mum has written to the school again, (not sure this time what she said) and as a result all 3 girls have to report to the head twice a week to discuss how their friendship is going. I am and a bit at how this is being dealt with. School have never contacted us about any problems, dd's behaviour has always been really good, teacher has said she wishes she had a class of DDS. I don't see why they should be being made to report to head because of a's mums inability to let her daughter manage her own friendships.

So, I want to discuss this tomorrow, dp says to leave it and let the school deal with it. Aibu???

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 26/03/2014 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joysmum · 26/03/2014 19:23

Why does a meeting with the head have to be punishment in you head. A meeting with the head for kids in this situation at my daughters school would be discuss strategies and life skills, not punishments.

Clearly if this other mum is making complaints, she's not up to the job of discussing with the class teacher and has escalated prematurely so the school have been back into the corner of involving the head because of it.

I'd let the school deal with it.

Original poster

ginmakesitallok · 26/03/2014 19:31

I'm seeking it as punishment because that's how dd sees it. She thinks it's unfair that she's being involved in what is essentially a problem between a& b. She's being expected to manage their relationship and keep the peace. Which I don't think is fair. If there were concerns about dds behaviour then I wouldn't have a problem, but as far as I know there isn't.

OP posts:

onewordanswer · 26/03/2014 19:32

Disengage

NoodleOodle · 26/03/2014 19:33

I would ask, I'd want to know what angle they were taking on the situation, and be assured that DD was being treated fairly. I wouldn't ask in a way that made it sound like I was making any accusations though, just to gather the information.

It doesn't sound like anyone has done anything wrong here. Anna's mum is entitled to try to ensure her DD's happiness at school, and a letter is less likely to be ignored or sidelined than a word with the teacher. And, the school seem to be responding with some action, rather than ignoring and denying any problems, which can sometimes happen. Whether those actions are appropriate or 'overkill' is what you can find out with a gentle chat with the teacher tomorrow.

Original poster

ginmakesitallok · 26/03/2014 19:35

Thanks noodle, my thoughts.

Disengage one word answer? Why?

OP posts:

Topseyt · 26/03/2014 19:40

Leave the school to get on with it. Honestly.

I have three daughters aged between 18 and 11 and if they have taught me anything with regard to their friendships / fallings out with other girls it is that you simply cannot keep up with it.

Groups of girls can be very complex in how they relate to each other. With my daughters and their school friends the combinations of who was or wasn't speaking to whom and for whatever reason were absolutely endless. You never get to the bottom of it and you would drive yourself insane to keep trying.

It is also dangerous to assume you have ever been given the whole story. There are as many sides to any issue as there are people (in this case young girls) involved in it.

Peacocklady · 26/03/2014 19:43

It sounds like it is a difficult friendship group and I think it's good that the school are monitoring it.

Original poster

ginmakesitallok · 26/03/2014 19:47

To be honest I think the easier solution for dd would be to cool the friendship with a. But of course I would never tell her that.

I will let the school deal with it, but would like to know what they think is going on. (Dd is 10 and is finding this quite hard)

OP posts:

bobot · 26/03/2014 21:24

I would definitely ask. It's important to know the school's perspective in order to support dd if nothing else, and for your own peace of mind too - if my child was expected to report to the head I'd expect to be informed about it.

I do think there's a fine line between letting children manage their own friendships, and failing to support and guide them - I wouldn't want to "disengage" from my children's lives, whatever that means - these things are hugely important to a ten year old girl and I'd want her to feel supported, as the op sounds as though she does too. You sound sensible OP, trust your own judgement.

sykadelic · 27/03/2014 01:55

When I was in high school, about 14-15 y/o, a girl who had a falling out with our group went and complained to her mum that we wouldn't play with her (we weren't mean to her, we just didn't want to hang out with her anymore... she was terribly boring) but the Principal told us we HAD to let her hang out with us. It sucked. She pretended like everything was normal and we hated it and didn't want to get into trouble (we were the "good" kids).

So from that perspective, yes speak to the teacher to ask what seeing the Head is actually about. Is it making sure they're still friends (which is stupid) or checking that A isn't being bullied by B or your DD... in which case only A need go.

No-one should be forced to be friends with anyone, but neither should your DD or B be mean to her. It sounds more about bullying prevention really and making sure that A is feeling okay.

echt · 27/03/2014 08:11

A parent/teacher evening should be about general progress of the student. Something as specific as this, that could not possibly be dealt with in the probably five minutes allowed, needs a separate meeting.

Taz1212 · 27/03/2014 08:19

Has your DD been to any of these meetings yet? If not, I'd probably leave it just now and see how the first meeting goes. DD(8) is in a pretty much identical situation and following the complaint of one of the mums, has been brought in to speak to the Deputy Head to give a sort of neutral view of the situation. This was done on her own though, not as a group of three. I'm OK with that because DD doesn't seem fussed at being out in that position, but I know how difficult it can be having your DD in the middle of friends who don't get along!

WooWooOwl · 27/03/2014 08:24

I would ask about it, but I think it's a bit unfair of you to blame As mum and her inability to let her dd manage her own friendships when you are allowing your dd to see this as a punishment.

I work in a school and have memories from my own school days, and it's a fact that friendships can be very difficult to manage sometimes. Especially when it's three girls, I've seen these problems countless times and quite often it's six of one and half a dozen of the other. But even adults have to deal with crap within friendship groups sometimes, so I think it's great that the school is being proactive and doing something to help.

I think it's quite mean of you to begrudge a child support with that when there is obviously a situation that is upsetting them on a long term basis.

Just because your dd is the one in the middle, doesn't mean she isn't involved. That's not to say that she's doing anything wrong, but as the situation can't be nice for her either, it's right that she is involved in finding the solution.

Jinty64 · 27/03/2014 08:49

We were in a similar situation with ds3. Now, I realise it is different with girls (or so I am told - I don't have girls) but basically, ds was friends with 2 other boys but boy A's mum felt that every falling out was boy B or ds bullying A and would speak to the school about it. Yet it always appeared to be A controlling what they could play, who they could play with and whether they could be in his gang. Ds was the "piggy in the middle" and it was upsetting him. It was easier for me as he was only 6. We stopped seeing A outside school and I encouraged other friendships. He now doesn't have a special friend but still plays with B occasionally. A has different friends now and, from what I have heard, has the same problems with them "bullying" him.

I would cool the friendship with Anna outside school.

Original poster

ginmakesitallok · 27/03/2014 19:05

Well that was pointless, teacher says she was as surprised as we were when she heard about it - no-one has told her what it's about and she's seen no problems at all - DD is as always a model pupil....

OP posts:

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