There is a bit of a back story to this so sorry if I'm waffling! A few years ago my PIL loaned my BIL the money to buy his own house, BIL lives in the same town as PIL. They also did up his house as a gift. PIL have always said that they would do this for us when we made the decision to buy (we have always lived in a different town to MIL and my parents). She even boasted to my mother that she would loan us the money for our first purchased home.
A couple of years ago we had to relocate to a new location as it was the only place we could both find good jobs. This location happens to be in the middle between were both sets of parent's live. We said we would rent first to decide if we like the area. We have recently had a baby, which has hit PIL hard, and everytime we visit they drop loads of less then subtle hints that we should move. The finances are hard at the moment, having dropped my wage and we are very strapped for cash. DH's job OK pay but is with a good company and has brilliant prospects, it's also a good area for schools etc.
PIL have now said to us that unless we move, they will not help us out at all with a house purchase. TBH I would rather not accept money from people who are going to hold power over us/ use the loan to control our lives, however, every time we see/speak to them they always tease us with "wouldn't you love to have your own home", "fruitandnuttycake, you could go back to work if you lived here because I could provide childcare", "we could do up a lovely nursery for you", "it's so cruel that you have taken our grandchild away from us". Its a real tease as we cannot afford a deposit at the moment and the finances are hard, they are using the cash as a carrot on a stick and it just makes us feel like shit. DH tells them off for it at the time but I know it hits him hard seeing his parent's upset.
We just cannot move, DH would never be able to find a job as good as his there, he would have to accept a job a little more than min wage with poor prospects so we probably wouldn't get a mortgage anyway, nor do I want to accept a loan for them.
AIBU to think that what they are doing to their youngest son and his family is very mean and manipulative, I know it's their money and they can do what they like with it, but having recently become a mum myself I cannot imagine treating my children this way.
AIBU?
To think this is cruel?
fruitandnuttycake · 25/03/2014 09:46
OP, this behaviour is creepy & controlling.
If you love & respect your DC & their choices, (& are financially able to), you would help them out with a house wherever they wanted to live because you love them.
To make all these demands means that it's not given out of love, but out of control, the ability to exercise power so that you bend to their will & the need to dominate your family.
If you move near them, they will rule your lives & not give yourself & DH the space you need to develop as a couple & as parents. You will constantly be undermined & blackmailed.
Take control of your own lives together now & make a plan. Money is tight at the moment, but it won't always be like that. Could you look at an area, say 50 minutes away from where DH works that is more affordable but still a realistic daily commute?
Plan it out, maybe in 18 months, I will look at working x hours which would mean that we could afford a house/flat, in x location? Whatever your life plan is, map it out together so that you are taking control of your own lives & not being dictated to or blackmailed by this controlling woman.
Stay strong for the sake of your family! 
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