To think this is cruel?

[fruitandnuttycake]

There is a bit of a back story to this so sorry if I'm waffling! A few years ago my PIL loaned my BIL the money to buy his own house, BIL lives in the same town as PIL. They also did up his house as a gift. PIL have always said that they would do this for us when we made the decision to buy (we have always lived in a different town to MIL and my parents). She even boasted to my mother that she would loan us the money for our first purchased home.

A couple of years ago we had to relocate to a new location as it was the only place we could both find good jobs. This location happens to be in the middle between were both sets of parent's live. We said we would rent first to decide if we like the area. We have recently had a baby, which has hit PIL hard, and everytime we visit they drop loads of less then subtle hints that we should move. The finances are hard at the moment, having dropped my wage and we are very strapped for cash. DH's job OK pay but is with a good company and has brilliant prospects, it's also a good area for schools etc.

PIL have now said to us that unless we move, they will not help us out at all with a house purchase. TBH I would rather not accept money from people who are going to hold power over us/ use the loan to control our lives, however, every time we see/speak to them they always tease us with "wouldn't you love to have your own home", "fruitandnuttycake, you could go back to work if you lived here because I could provide childcare", "we could do up a lovely nursery for you", "it's so cruel that you have taken our grandchild away from us". Its a real tease as we cannot afford a deposit at the moment and the finances are hard, they are using the cash as a carrot on a stick and it just makes us feel like shit. DH tells them off for it at the time but I know it hits him hard seeing his parent's upset.

We just cannot move, DH would never be able to find a job as good as his there, he would have to accept a job a little more than min wage with poor prospects so we probably wouldn't get a mortgage anyway, nor do I want to accept a loan for them.

AIBU to think that what they are doing to their youngest son and his family is very mean and manipulative, I know it's their money and they can do what they like with it, but having recently become a mum myself I cannot imagine treating my children this way.

[Nanny0gg]

I think they're horrible (speaking as a MiL)

That kind of gift should be given freely out of love, with no strings.

And I think you should either lose your temper and tell them their fortunes, or you should go pretty much NC and tell them why. You certainly won't want your DC exposed to that kind of attitude.

[SavoyCabbage]

I would rather not have a house of my own than live beholden to people like that. They are meddling in your lives and having a negative impact.

[Hoppinggreen]

They aRe blackmailing you basically.
Avoid!!!

[ICanSeeTheSun]

I would ask them direct in how you are taking their GC away, even if you emigrated to America it's not like you are stopping the GP visiting.

[fruitandnuttycake]

Thanks for your replies everyone. I was expecting to be told that I sound grabby! It upsets me that parent's can behave this way towards their DCs especially as it could have caused so much resentment between siblings with one being helped out and the other not (luckily it hasn't!). As it stands, when not worrying about money, I am glad we live a good distance/ independently from the PIL.

[ENormaSnob]

What a set of bastards.

Dont take the money, definitely not the childcare.

I would be distancing myself tbh.

[fruitandnuttycake]

ICanSeeTheSun, I would like to know this too, in fact it has always been me who has suggested the visits as I would like DS to maintain a good relationship with his family even though he lives away. I have even been to see them when DH has been abroad with work. All we are trying to do is provide a good life for our child, which we unfortunately couldn't do if DH didn't have the job he has, we have said this to them, but they wont listen.

[GandalfsBeard]

I wouldn't dream of moving to be closer to Pils that are so manipulative and self centered!
How dare they say 'unless you move..' Who do they think they are? Not all grandparents live in the same town as their grandchildren and that is just tough.
I would tell them you don't want or need their money and then I'd be tempted to move further away...

[BrianTheMole]

I wouldn't move near them regardless of the money. And I wouldn't take their money either. They've shown their true colors. By bowing down to what they want, you give up your dignity and pride. Its an extremely high price to pay.

[ohfourfoxache]

Please don't even consider moving. If they are this manipulative now, imagine what it would be like if you were closer.

IMHO you've been fortunate enough to see what they can be like before committing to moving.

[MexicanSpringtime]

In what way would any house they "helped" you to buy be your own? With your MIL going through your drawers and raising your children and always being made to feel beholden. Give me a private landlord anytime.

[Aberchips]

No YANBU they sound very manipulative from what you have said, I could see this "gift" of money being used as leverage over you & your family in the future. I know it's tempting if you do need a deposit etc, but it doesn't sound like it would make life better in the long run.

[SlimJiminy]

You're lucky that you can see this for what it is now before the money has been loaned and you've found yourself being completely controlled by them. Not in a million years would I be accepting their offer.

[OnIlkelyMoorBahtat]

Steer clear OP, they sound like unpleasant, manipulative control freaks, and as been pointed out up-thread, if they're like this when you're not living near them, imagine how in-your-face they'd be if you were!

[Topaz25]

I wouldn't accept anything from them after the way they have acted. They are using the money to control you. I think it is healthy to have some distance from them.

[fruitandnuttycake]

Thanks so much for your replies everyone. I have a little bit more to add to this which has been playing on my mind a lot, I haven't even told DH for fear of causing a fall out in his family. Also I think it is a very odd thing to suspect but like I said it has played on my mind. When DS was very small, only a few weeks old, I took him to stay at the in laws while DH was away. During the night while I was fast asleep, MIL snuck into my room, and took the baby back to her room. When I got up in the morning, I panicked as he was not there. So I went to PIL and knocked on the door. I heard MIL say in a panicked voice "come in" so I did, she was sat on the bed, it looked like she was in the process of rolling DS of her chest and was pulling her dressing gown shut (bare in mind that she is not body conscious at all and I have seen her fanjo, bum and boobs more than I care to remember) she had nothing on underneath and DS was just in his nappy. She told me she just took him so I could get some sleep. I did think it was odd, but TBH in those first few weeks I was shell shocked from a traumatic birth. A few weeks ago while drunk she said that when she holds newborns, she gets an overwhelming urge to breastfeed them, at this point I put two and two togther and felt completely sick to my stomach. I keep telling myself that it probably wasnt the case but I cannot help but wonder. It makes me feel ill every time I think about it. Please please please tell me IABU to give me some closure on it. My PIL were fairly normal until we had a child!!!

[fruitandnuttycake]

I have told DH she took him out the room which he was very cross about, I didn't tell him the other bit!

[AnyFucker]

Arrghhhhh < hides eyes >

[PostmanPatAlwaysRingsTwice]

Oh my god. You should tell him.

[ohfourfoxache]

Oh my chuffing god.

Er, yeah, don't move any closer

[NoNoNoNoNoYabu]

Don't tell him - you will sound like you're egging the pudding a bit. It's already clear how many problems she is creating without you throwing an outlandish one out there.

But AARRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHH

[fruitandnuttycake]

Omg, its not right is it? Tbh I was expecting to be told iwbu re the money, I expected to be called a nutter for feeling a bit off about that

[Topseyt]

Seeing your last update, I think you should tell your husband everything. To my mind a grandparent wanting to breastfeed a child is very strange. Her behaviour is not normal in my book, and I would never leave a child of mine with her. The mere thought of my MIL even trying to stick her breast in the mouths of any of my babies would turn me cold and have me running for the hills. Fortunately, mine is not like that.

Definitely do not accept the offer of money. Too many strings attached. Personally I think that if parents want to gift some of their money to their children then that is fine, but it should be unconditional, and a gift of equal value should be available for each child to do with as they see fit. That is the way my parents work it. It would be much fairer overall.

[ihatethecold]

She sounds fucking unhinged!

Keep well away