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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be Fucking Annoyed!

86 replies

ahfuckit · 22/03/2014 13:28

Ok, first off, I am struggling with alcohol addiction. My DP knows this and that I am seeking help with varying degrees of success. My Mother's death not surprisingly set me back a bit. He is generally supportive.
Anyhow, we are in M&S with our DD and I am buying wine (as I had mentioned at home that I would), and DP starts questionning and berating me saying 'Why are you buying wine? I thought you were cutting down etc'. I was mortified as it was very busy and I didn't want to go into the details of my recovery program in the middle of a busy shop. When I said I didn't want t o discuss it there and then he carried on having a go and I ended up snapping at him.

So we get home and I am bloody hungry so I put some sausage rolls in the oven to warm up. When they were ready I went into the kitchen to get them out of the oven, only to find he has put raw bacon on the same baking tray all around the sausage rolls! He insisted they are fine and gave one to DD.

Is it me? I want him to go away. Preferably a long way away for at least the rest of the day.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 22/03/2014 13:56

"part of me really wants to stop drinking but I would much prefer to cut down"

in other words:

part of me really wants to stop drinking but I would much prefer not to.

Fifyfomum · 22/03/2014 13:59

If you are cutting down then it is important that you do that slowly, you are right. I still think you are being petty about the bacon thing though

Original poster
ahfuckit · 22/03/2014 14:01

The amount I used to drink when I decided to change was roughly a bottle a day over the course of the evening. I'm willing to bet that there are thousands of people out there that do this and don't realise they are addicted or regard themselves as an 'alcoholic parent'. I appreciate IABU and that perhaps I am just touchy as I had hoped to be doing better though. Glad the bacon thing is petty - I thought it was food poisoning waiting to happen!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 22/03/2014 14:04

I don't see what your addiction has to do with other parents?

This is your battle and it obviously affects your DP and DD.

You were annoyed before that no-one seemed to recognised your addiction and now you're annoyed that your DP has and is concerned about you buying wine.

Bornin1984 · 22/03/2014 14:04

Because I've seen my dad die alcohol positioning after 40 years
Of drinking I choose not to drink! My choice! But that's what influence does
To u! He was in denial that he had a problem he didn't do anything about it! Yet his body suffered from multi organ failure and he had internal bleeding caused by vomiting as he didn't eat!!

CRyy on as u are
You seem to feel you are winning
Your battle

Bornin1984 · 22/03/2014 14:09

How can u hope to do better by having an argument with your
Dh in the middle of the shop when he is just doing what u ask! Fine he shouldn't have done it in m n s but he did!!

In my opinion and experience alcoholism is a very dangerous and selfish disease HmmHmm

Original poster
ahfuckit · 22/03/2014 14:09

That's not it worra - I'm annoyed he didn't discuss it at home when I told him rather than in a very public place. Any yes Bornin, both my key worker and I feel that I am winning which is great.

OP posts:
Badvoc · 22/03/2014 14:17

You don't want to stop drinking do you?
That's the bottom line.
Your key worker can massage your ego all you want by telling you have well you are doing, but you are still drinking, and far too much.
Your dh is trying to help you.
The whole bacon thing is you trying to justify being angry with him for telling you the completely bloody obvious.
I think If I was married go an alcoholic (which you are) I would also get a bit shirty if they bought wine whilst I was with them....

MrsHappyBee · 22/03/2014 14:17

You're gobsmacked that posters don't see the bacon thing as an issue, but cant see anything wrong with buying wine for yourself when you're an alcoholic?
Your need for wine obviously trumps being a sober wife and mother. Doesn't sound like you're winning the battle to me I'm afraid.

Bowlersarm · 22/03/2014 14:19

I've started writing about four posts and scrapped them because I'm torn on this one.

Your DH is worried about you knocking back the wine because you have an uneasy relationship with it and he doesn't know whether it'll get out of control again, or whether you will be able to control your alcohol intake on this occasion.

On the other hand, if you have seriously made huge inroads in cutting back, and your drinking is now at a more acceptable level, then buying a bottle of wine seems fair enough.

I had a situation when I was drinking too much to be happy with. It was worrying me, and clearly DH as well, as he approached it with me and it came to a head over a weekend, a number of years ago. In my case, I didn't want to stop drinking, DH didn't want me to stop drinking, but both of us wanted me to drink less. So we just came to an agreement on vague drinking 'rules' we would both follow such as never drinking alone, plus a few other rules. It has really worked. Would some sort of agreement work for the two of you?

I don't think M and S was the right place to argue about it, but he is probably very anxious about it.

Bowlersarm · 22/03/2014 14:20

Oh yes, the bacon thing, a bit annoying but nothing more. I think your real issue with him was about the wine.

Badvoc · 22/03/2014 14:21

Last year my cousins had to watch their father die.
He had been an alcoholic for years and had not been a part of their lives for a long time.
They sat by his bedside whist he fought for every breath and vomited blood.
That is the reality of what alcoholism does to children.
Perhaps you should imagine your dd sat by your bedside watching you next time you fancy a bottle of M&S merlot?

weirdthing · 22/03/2014 14:21

My friend is a functioning alcoholic - she has been told by her key worker to have her two pints of cider or bottle of wine per night as for her that is cutting down. Going cold turkey from alcohol can be really serious. Isn't that what Amy Winehouse died from?

weirdthing · 22/03/2014 14:22

OP - you need to clearly spell out to your DH what you are doing with alcohol and why otherwise you can't really blame him for getting stressed.

Badvoc · 22/03/2014 14:23

Always a good idea to go into a proper rehab facility to tackle alcoholism IMO.
But the op won't do that because only part of her wants to stop drinking :(

WottaTheOdds · 22/03/2014 14:24

I'm willing to bet that there are thousands of people out there that do this [drink a bottle of wine a day] and don't realise they are addicted

I honestly wouldn't put too much money on this: I am pretty sure there aren't. Most people drinking that amount (and it is HUGE) are well aware they have a problem, especially if they are parents.

As someone else has said, you sound like you are in deep denial (saying there are loads of people who are worse is a text book sign) and in your place I would change the key worker.

Bornin1984 · 22/03/2014 14:26

My aunt attended. Rehab twice and it's failed! She fucked off to it over Xmas and left her young kids with nothing for Xmas!!

Alcohol can onlybe battled and won if the person with the issue wants to beat it!!

Badvoc · 22/03/2014 14:26

Yes wotta.
The key worker sounds dangerously ill informed and unqualified.

Viviennemary · 22/03/2014 14:26

If you have a problem with alcohol it is quite natural your DH will not be pleased if you are buying wine. The oven thing is annoying. But it's nothing really. And if your problem is serious then it is an issue that is the whole family's business because they are affected.

Would it not be possible to arrange a meeting with you, your DH and your key worker to discuss this recovery programme and then he might be able to find out how to act in a supportive way.

WorraLiberty · 22/03/2014 14:26

What worries me about an addict cutting down (and perhaps it worries him too) is that it's so easy to go right back up again.

It only takes a bad day at work, a great day at work, an argument or a Birthday celebration etc...to undo all the hard work.

If you find at any time that cutting down isn't working, I think rehab would be the best place for you.

Janethegirl · 22/03/2014 14:29

I certainly thought that stopping drinking suddenly, without the appropriate medication and close supervision, could result in death. The op may be reducing her intake instead which is a safer approach.

Original poster
ahfuckit · 22/03/2014 14:30

I haven't won the battle yet I know. I spent the whole of January dry and only relapsed when Mum died early Feb. I am prepared to be told IABU and I accept that, but I wont be told I am not doing well because I am. I am going to beat it one step at a time. So there. Grin

OP posts:
Bornin1984 · 22/03/2014 14:31

I really admire your determination op and hope it
Works for u!!

Has your dh ever attended any of your sessions so he can support
You appropriately

Golferman · 22/03/2014 14:33

3.5? Blimey my wife drinks 14 bottles a week!

Janethegirl · 22/03/2014 14:34

Good luck ahfuckit with reducing your consumption.

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