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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give a birthday present to someone who didn't give me one?

60 replies

notso · 21/03/2014 17:09

BIL and wife didn't get me a birthday present. I had a text on the day and they brought a card round two weeks after it.
My birthday is in the week before Christmas and I assumed they just forgot in the festivities.
DH was really pissed off at the time because they got his other brothers wife a present and her birthday is only a few days before mine, and also as to our house for dinner twice over Christmas so had opportunity to bring the card sooner.

SILs (is BILs wife SIL?) birthday was last week but they were away so we are seeing them this weekend, DH thinks we should just give a card.
I feel bad just giving a card and want to get a bunch of flowers or box of chocolates too. I don't want to be tit for tat.
WWYD?

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 21/03/2014 17:18

A box of chocolates and card is fine. Don't not do something just because someone doesn't return it.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/03/2014 17:18

Yanbu a card will suffice. They obviously don't do birthday presents so should not be getting one.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/03/2014 17:20

It's not tut for tat, it's less favourable treatment towards you. A card is fine.

HerRoyalNotness · 21/03/2014 17:20

If you want to give a gift, do so! I like giving gifts, and don't do it to receive them.

alwaysneedaholiday · 21/03/2014 17:23

I think if they had forgotten completely, I would get her something anyway, in case it had been a mistake. However, the fact that they text and gave a card means that they remembered but don't want to do presents.

Therefore, I wouldn't bother.

Original poster
notso · 21/03/2014 17:26

Hmm 50/50.

They have bought me a present every other year which makes me think it was a mistake. If the card was given on her birthday I wouldn't feel so bad but a card given after the event is a bit crap IMO.
I will get the flowers I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
notso · 21/03/2014 17:30

Oh no not 50/50 just seen your post always
DH wanted to ring and say at the time are we not doing presents now. I told him that was rude but I suppose it would have been easier.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 21/03/2014 17:31

I'd just get a card. Because if you get a present then they'll feel obliged to get you something next year. If they'd just forgotten they'd have got you something later.

eddielizzard · 21/03/2014 17:31

i would give flowers this time, but if next birthday they still do same, then just a card.

try not to compare what they do with others. comparison is the thief of joy. Grin

they might be trying to cut back. maybe they overdid it at christmas and just couldn't manage.

Yika · 21/03/2014 17:36

Oh just give something. It's lovely to give! Your DH seems to be very sensitive about it; I wonder what's up there, has it triggered a bad memory or old resentment?

Original poster
notso · 21/03/2014 17:41

That's what I said to DH eddielizzard Grin

DH says I am just being a pushover as usual, I think he will be pissed off if I get the flowers.

OP posts:
PumpkinPie2013 · 21/03/2014 17:49

I would give a card plus flowers or chocolates. It's inexpensive and a nice gesture.

Since they usually buy you something it sounds like a mistake on their part (which they probably feel bad about).

Remind your dh that you don't give to receive!

Original poster
notso · 21/03/2014 18:05

Yika he was annoyed because I am doing them a massive favour and also because he feels they are generally stingy.

OP posts:
Yika · 21/03/2014 18:30

What's the favour, did I miss something?

Original poster
notso · 21/03/2014 18:36

No I didn't mention the favour sorry Yika didn't want to come across as I was really expecting a present because of the favour. So sorry for drip feed.
I am doing them a big favour and providing free childcare for their DC.

OP posts:
ifitsnotanarse · 21/03/2014 18:46

notsio they are taking the piss!

You should give a card only, containing the following:
"Happy Birthday.
Feck off and mind your own children.
All the best, xxx"

ifitsnotanarse · 21/03/2014 18:47

Sorry that should read notso

Yika · 21/03/2014 18:52

Do you like her, would it give you pleasure to give her flowers? If so, give. If you're not sure, give.

If you feel as though you're being taken advantage of, deal with that separately.

Original poster
notso · 21/03/2014 18:53

Grin ifitsnotanarse you made me laugh in RL with that!

OP posts:
Original poster
notso · 21/03/2014 19:03

They are ok. I like them enough to feel bad not getting her a present.

OP posts:
poopadoop · 21/03/2014 19:23

get the flowers, they're more like an ultra-fancy card (ie an acknowledgement of the day) than a present as such, so it'd be win-win

eddielizzard · 21/03/2014 19:45

WHAT??? WTF? WTAF? WTAFUCKINGF?

how much free childcare?

and yes that is a massive favour deserving of a birthday present!

Original poster
notso · 21/03/2014 20:21

Three and a half days a week. I am fine with it though, not resentful about doing it at all.

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 21/03/2014 20:25
Shock

Even if they don't want to do presents anymore you are providing free childcare!!

You deserve a present!

AdoraBell · 21/03/2014 20:32

3.5 days every week is a lot of free childcare.

I know you say you don't mind but methinks someone is taking piss and I'm not surprised about how DH feels.

Get a card.

What is the relationship, is it your sibling or DH's?

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