To give a birthday present to someone who didn't give me one?

[notso]

BIL and wife didn't get me a birthday present. I had a text on the day and they brought a card round two weeks after it.
My birthday is in the week before Christmas and I assumed they just forgot in the festivities.
DH was really pissed off at the time because they got his other brothers wife a present and her birthday is only a few days before mine, and also as to our house for dinner twice over Christmas so had opportunity to bring the card sooner.

SILs (is BILs wife SIL?) birthday was last week but they were away so we are seeing them this weekend, DH thinks we should just give a card.
I feel bad just giving a card and want to get a bunch of flowers or box of chocolates too. I don't want to be tit for tat.
WWYD?

I wouldn't really be doing anything much on the days I look after DN because I have on DC home full time one in pre school and two at school.
I felt bad for SIL because she was really struggling with returning to work and DN hated nursery taster sessions so I offered to help out a bit and it kind of escalated.
I am happy to carry on for now and I did say we will review things when DS3 starts pre-school.
I have to do it for free anyway as I can't be paid legally unless I register as a CM.

They have looked after our DC a couple of times when we had two once when we had DC3 and not at all since DC4 was born.

I always assumed they had a budget for presents per family so we got cheaper presents than everyone else because there's more of us.

Thanks for the nice comments I am working hard on my confidence.

see it's things like this that push your self confidence down. they're not treating you as well as they treat other people. that's because they can. because they know that you don't expect more. that you feel you don't deserve more.

well, you DO deserve more. you really are equal.

this time alone with your last is precious. sounds like you won't be having another baby.

at the very least they should have your kids regularly to give you a break. that would be a small start to compensating you in kind.

also - they're not going to offer to do this. they are enjoying taking advantage. they don't want to put themselves out that's for sure.

so get your dh (if you don't want to do it yourself) to ask them to take the kids next saturday night so you guys can have a bit of a break. preferably all of them too.

If you do ask them to baby sit as eddielizzard has suggested and they say no (whatever the reason) then you will have more evidence that they are simply taking and taking.

Also bring up the dates for when your youngest starts preschool in conversation. Start to plan ahead, remind them that will be when the childcare stops. Or maybe even sooner? See if they are shocked or annoyed or super ungrateful for what you have done so far.

I know you are at home anyway on a school day but you might be out and about a wee bit more if you didn't have to do this childcare?

you know this is even worse, because if they did the nursery taster sessions, that means they looked into nursery, they must have priced it up they know how much they are saving each month by having you do the childcare, that's extra disposable income they had budgetted to be spent on childcare that they aren't having to spend every month now you are doing it for free.

OK, they can't spend that by giving it to you directly, but they could spend money on you for gifts.

And they definately could look after all 4 of your DCs between the 2 of them. I'm sure you manage all 4DCs, and sometimes 5DCs including theirs regularly, they can manage 5 between 2 adults. They should be offering. They should be falling over themselves to be lovely to you to avoid you getting pissed off and deciding you don't want to do it anymore.

Personally, I'd tell them you want to reduce it to 2 days. Let them see what you are saving them by having to pay out. That gives you more time 1-1 with your DC4 and means they stop taking you for granted. If they don't like it, they are free to find other childcare.

(Hate cheeky people who just take from others with no acknowledgement of the fact the rest of the world isn't responsible for making their lives as pleasant as possible)

I agree with i think everyone else since your last post. They are massively taking advantage of your kind nature. Your self confidence and maybe even your depression is unlikely to improve whilst they and others are walking all over you.

There are some great suggestions here from others.
I would echo many of them: Start small- babysitting - asking them nicely and see if they are 'taking taking taking.' If so - then you know where you stand. You dont have to be available for childcare for them. I would cut it down. Or say you cant do next week on x day and let them sort out the situation. (You should not have to give an excuse) but taking the kids swimming or something where ratios are involved and you cannot take their DC too.

Also - you could drop into conversation that you are thinking for becoming a childminder...and were looking into it. That would make them aware you know how much they are saving each week.

I feel for you being a people pleaser is not easy and it takes a lot to take that first step but treat people how you expect to be treated and dont put up with anyone treating you less than they treat others nor less than you would treat them is a good barometer to go by.

Also you mentioned that your birthdays is near Christmas and maybe thats why they forgot. Does that mean they didnt even give you a Christmas present too???? Something that could be seen to cover both? If so they are massively taking advantage of you.

and you must see them at least 4 days a week at pick up and drop off - there is no reason for you to be missed out of anything - if they are there when plans are made you'd think they would say "we'll let nosto and clan know the date and time when we see them on Monday with the dc"

actually a big chat needs to be had!

Hey notso any update?

Did they buy you a christmas present? Perhaps they thought that would cover it.

Yanbu, no need to be tit for tat, especially if that would make you feel uncomfortable .

Sorry, x post!