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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give a birthday present to someone who didn't give me one?

60 replies

notso · 21/03/2014 17:09

BIL and wife didn't get me a birthday present. I had a text on the day and they brought a card round two weeks after it.
My birthday is in the week before Christmas and I assumed they just forgot in the festivities.
DH was really pissed off at the time because they got his other brothers wife a present and her birthday is only a few days before mine, and also as to our house for dinner twice over Christmas so had opportunity to bring the card sooner.

SILs (is BILs wife SIL?) birthday was last week but they were away so we are seeing them this weekend, DH thinks we should just give a card.
I feel bad just giving a card and want to get a bunch of flowers or box of chocolates too. I don't want to be tit for tat.
WWYD?

OP posts:

Monka · 21/03/2014 20:35

When I go back to work our family will be providing free childcare. We will be thanking our family by paying for regular bills and travel accommodation. Not everyone is the same but I think that if you are doing someone such a big favour such as providing free childcare then they could show their appreciation in other ways other than financial. Are you also providing food for the kids? I know children don't eat that much but it leaves you paying for them without them showing you any appreciation at all.

I personally wouldn't bother getting the SIL anything.

MaryWestmacott · 21/03/2014 20:41

3.5 days a week free childcare is like giving them £800 a month. That's what it would cost in my DS's nursery. You are giving them £800 a month. Shall we say that again, you are giving them £800 a month.

No, you don't need to give them anything else.

Original poster

notso · 21/03/2014 21:53

is it really £800 a month for 3.5 days at a nursery.

It is my husbands sibling Adora

They provide food but DC also ends up wanting to eat the same as my DC so they eat mine too.

Maybe I am being naive but this is why I think they just forgot about my present. If it was the other way round I would be buying a present as a thank you.

OP posts:

MaryWestmacott · 21/03/2014 22:01

Yep, it's a grand a month for a full time place.

I have had a similar conversation with a collegue who had free childcare for 3 days a week from her wealthy PIL and was complaining they were tight with money, I pointed out the would have to be very financially generous to make up for it if they decided to stop doing the childcare for nothing.

BrokenToeOuch · 21/03/2014 22:09

Tbh, if you're happy to do the childcare, then you're happy to do the childcare. IMO, it's a completely separate issue to the birthday present. And if you want to get her a present, get her a present. You don't (or at least, you shouldn't) give to receive.

Original poster

notso · 21/03/2014 22:21

I am giving the flowers it's only a token gesture. I can't give nothing it doesn't feel right.
If they hadn't been away on her birthday I would have given them when I she dropped off DC that week and DH would be none the wiser.

OP posts:

cerealqueen · 21/03/2014 22:25

My fucking Lord. Free childcare and they don't give you a birthday present? Tightwads.

eddielizzard · 21/03/2014 22:42

well i think they're behaving abominably and taking advantage.

maddening · 21/03/2014 22:55

actually I think your dh should have a conversation with his sibling (dbro?) just to point out the faux pas and that it is a particular snub considering what a part of their and their dc's lives she plays.

AdoraBell · 22/03/2014 02:38

Then let your husband say something if he feels the need. You know he's not happy with the sitúation so don't let it become a bone of contención between you and him.

They are taking advantage of your old nature, and they know it.

Mary is that for 1 child, or moré?

AdoraBell · 22/03/2014 02:39

Good nature. Good, not old, sorry.

MusicalEndorphins · 22/03/2014 04:12

As both the aunt and daycare provider, I am astounded that you were forgotten.
Your dh can tell them how he feels, but do what makes you feel best.
I am a fan of treating others as you wish to be treated. But not a fan of being a doormat. You sound like humble and good person.

Happy Belated Birthday

ZenGardener · 22/03/2014 04:54

If they went to the shop and bought a card for you then they could have easily got you a present. They could have easily ordered something online for you. There are no excuses for not getting you something.

You are doing 3.5 days free child are and they don't even give you lunch money.

I think you sound like a lovely and generous person but they are massively taking the piss and you want to buy them a present? You are crazy! Let your husband say something to them. Don't let people take advantage of you like this.

BurntPancake · 22/03/2014 06:44

Well I think they should have got you something if they usually get presents for adults in the family but I really don't get this idea of not get people presents because they don't get you one.
If I want to get someone a present then I do, whether they get me one doesn't come into it at all. Your DH is massively over reacting in my opinion.

MaryWestmacott · 22/03/2014 07:01

Adora, that's for 1 preschooler, although I live in the south east, it's outside the m25, so more expensive in London.

I do think a lot of people don't fully cost out what family childcare has saved them, or thought that's what the family members free labour would be worth if they charged someone else to do the same thing.

I'm astounded you save them that sort of money each month, and they couldn't find £10 for some chocolates or flowers.

greenfolder · 22/03/2014 07:04

well, if you really just think they forgot, it would be childish and pathetic not to get a present. maybe they ordered flowers that never turned up?
as a one off, i would really just pretend it didnt happen and move on.

Sister77 · 22/03/2014 08:13

You provide free childcare and they "forgot" your birthday and didn't give you a prezzie? But got something for other sil?
Your DH right you are a walk over.
May a shower of shit rain down on their heads.

eddielizzard · 22/03/2014 08:17

burntpancake, in your options you can highlight the op's posts. that way you can keep up with the thread without having to read every post.

Original poster

notso · 22/03/2014 08:53

Had a chat with DH and we have agreed to get some flowers no more than £5 as they got him £5 worth of scratch cards for his birthday. Not quite the thought that counts mentality I was hoping for but I feel better and we aren't arguing about it.

He has admitted feeling a bit left out by the family at the moment, there have been several things we haven't been invited to or have but at too short notice to get a babysitter.
I think it is because all his siblings and their spouses and DC visit his parents everyday and have dinner there most Sundays. We don't because DH works late so can't visit after work often, I can cook, there are 6 of us, and also we don't really want to go there every night to slob on the sofa watching TV and drinking brews like the Royle Family.
I have told him he needs to talk to people but he won't upset anyone.
This is probably coming across as me not liking the in-laws which isn't the case at all. I do, they have their annoying ways but so does my own family

OP posts:

GoEasyPudding · 22/03/2014 09:06

Sorry to butt in ....but rethink this free childcare with free luncheon thrown in. This is madness!

They don't care about your birthday, the family leaves out your DH from occasions that warrant an invitation...

You are a kind and thoughtful person but its time to have a think about this. Are they off on nice hols because of this £800.00 worth of childcare you give them? I think they may be...

Are you able to go on nice hols and do such nice things in your own time?

roastednut · 22/03/2014 09:44

I understand where you are coming from on this. We often have this issue in terms of presents for adults but recently I didn't get a present off bil/sil for my 40th which seemed pretty tight/thoughtless. We don't have kids and buy for theirs and also bought for their 40ths so seemed unfair but they are notoriously thoughtless like that. Oh and money no issue for them.
In your situation I probably wouldn't get anything but you sound nicer than me

Original poster

notso · 22/03/2014 09:55

We are ok financially, our household incomes on paper are pretty similar but they are better off because we are a single income with HRT, where as they have two incomes on regular tax rate with child benefit plus income from houses they rent out and BIL does a lot of overtime.
No we can't afford as many holidays as them but then I would rather have fewer expensive villa holidays than two or three cheaper all-inclusive lounge by the pool type holidays.

I probably am a push over, I have little self confidence due to bullying at school then depression on and off. I do a lot of saying one thing to keep people happy while thinking the opposite. I don't really know how to change TBH.

OP posts:

GoEasyPudding · 22/03/2014 10:52

I think that it's really nice of you to have done all this childcare for them.
I do think though that it's grossly unfair that they are better off than you because of it.
It sounds like they are doing very, very well for themselves and that your free childcare is giving them something they really do not need.

I am upset on your behalf that they have ignored your birthday whilst making effort for other people.

I am worried to hear that your DH feels side lined by his family all the while seeing his DWife get zero attention and consideration.

It's just not fair and I think it's time to treat yourself better by standing up for yourself. Don't worry, no drama or fallings out, just step away slowly and carefully.

I understand its difficult to change, as you say but on this occasion it really is ok not to give a gift and to cut back on childcare. That's what I would do.

What things could you be doing for yourself on these childcare days? It really could be anything.

I am sorry to hear about the bullying and depression. These are tough things and can take the fight out of you somewhat.

Lets get that fight back in you! If that's what you want of course. I don't want to push you toward something you don't want right now.

ZenGardener · 22/03/2014 11:17

I did wonder reading your OP if you were a people-pleaser. I hope you can work on your confidence a bit.

Do they ever reciprocate? Do they take turns baby sitting for you so you and your DH can join in these events? Do they buy each other nice presents while getting your family cheaper things?

Even if you say you don't mind, I'd be willing to bet that deep down you do mind. No?

poopadoop · 22/03/2014 11:30

notso - for your own self-esteem, stop doing the free childcare unless there is an obvious reciprocation. It sounds like they have no manners in not getting you a birthday present, so make the free childcare work for you at least a little bit. Either in cash or in their babysitting your dcs one or two nights a week.

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