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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to say NO!

71 replies

LostAndLostAgain · 20/03/2014 13:36

First.. Sorry if this is in the wrong section, but I'm not sure where it fit...
I have a court order to see my kids every other Sunday, but I've moved this before because the kids have something else on..

I was told that my DD's have something on, this so agreed to have them sat instead... I've literally just had an email saying that there's now a party on the sat, so she wants them back early...

I don't know if she's trying to be awkward...
I do know that on one occasion before, they didn't go to a party - they were seen out shopping with their grandparents...

I've always bent over backwards for the kids, because it doesn't really matter to me when I see them... Just that I do...

But it feels like she's messing me about.

What should I do?

OP posts:
BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 20/03/2014 13:38

Hmm could you suggest that you take them to the party? Xxxxxxx

BoomBoomsCousin · 20/03/2014 13:38

Can you take them to the party?

wishingchair · 20/03/2014 13:38

Can you say you'll take them to the party?

wouldbemedic · 20/03/2014 13:39

I'd give her the choice of either day but it has to be the whole day.

wishingchair · 20/03/2014 13:40

And also, kids don't need to go to every party they get invited to (and an invitation at this late stage hardly suggest best friends).

dollius · 20/03/2014 13:41

Why can't you take them to the party? That's what most parents would do in this situation I think

Lottiedoubtie · 20/03/2014 13:44

Yep, reply saying no problem, where's the party, I'll take them.

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 20/03/2014 13:45

If you feel it is awkwardness then say that you will be happy to take them to any parties/events that fall on your day it will soon show up whether or not you are being messed around.

Dahlen · 20/03/2014 13:45

Contact is about what's best for the child, not about fairness to the separated parents. So I find it entirely acceptable that a child may miss the odd contact day in order to attend a party of a close friend/partake in a special event, continue with a extra-curricular activity.

However, where possible, missed contact should be made up for because it is also in the child's best interests to maintain the relationship with that parent, and that requires time together. Ideal scenario is that the non-resident parent takes the child to the party/extra-curricular activity if they fall on his/her contact days.

What would your X say if you approached her and said all this OP?

NoodleOodle · 20/03/2014 13:46

Can you take them to the party, and watch them having fun with their friends, and then have them afterwards too?

If it's not a children's party, i.e. their own friends, then no I don't think you would be being unreasonable to say no. You have already been flexible. You shouldn't have to be flexible and give up your already limited time with your children IMO.

IamaBreastfeedingTramp · 20/03/2014 13:54

"Dear X, Please send party clothes, and party details, I will take them"

Original poster
LostAndLostAgain · 20/03/2014 16:14

OK.
Said I'd drop them off, just got message saying that she doesn't want me to. she wants me to drop them at home and have them for less time.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 20/03/2014 16:17

Said I'd drop them off, just got message saying that she doesn't want me to. she wants me to drop them at home and have them for less time.

What do the children want?

CrapBag · 20/03/2014 16:20

Oh dear, sounds like she is being difficult for the sake of it.

Call her out on it and ask why. There should be no problem at all with you taking your children to a party yourself. Although this sounds like last time when there was no party and they were out with granny.

Did you ask about that?

Do you ever query your ex or just go along with what she says for the sake of seeing your children because you know she will create a fuss?

CrapBag · 20/03/2014 16:21

Oh and YANBU. They are your children and you have the right to do things with them without your ex dictating everything and messing you around.

ViviPru · 20/03/2014 16:22

Did she way why? Could you phone her? It's easy for her to be obstructive over messages, much harder for to be disingenuous over the phone.... Obviously we've only got your side of the story but even if she thinks you're the planet's biggest nobhead (I'm sure you're not), she's being massively unreasonable regardless.

WooWooOwl · 20/03/2014 16:24

It's unlikely that she's just messing you about for the sake of it. She might be, but unless she's the sort of person that likes to be difficult for no reason, then she probably isn't.

Find out what the party is, and if it's something your dc will want to go to, then of course you should take them back early. It should be up to them, not you or your ex.

ViviPru · 20/03/2014 16:27

It's unlikely that she's just messing you about for the sake of it

But she could be messing him about for a less valid reason (than party attendance) that she's not prepared to admit to, like arranging to see the GPs on the OPs contact day...

Blatherskite · 20/03/2014 16:28

If it's your contact day, you take them to/pick them up from the party surely? That's always how it's worked with friends of mine and friends of my children at parties in the past.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 20/03/2014 16:28

I would push the point that you would love to take them to the party and see how she reacts.

TheFabulousIdiot · 20/03/2014 16:31

Can you have them on another day?

CrapBag · 20/03/2014 16:32

"It's unlikely that she's just messing you about for the sake of it"

I would never be so sure. I have seen women be total dicks when it comes to contact with the fathers of their children. Too many make it difficult for no reason at all, only that its something that they can do.

cathpip · 20/03/2014 16:40

I agree, you have rearranged the Sunday for Saturday. Call her on it and say you want to take them to the party and you will drop them home after.

Lottiedoubtie · 20/03/2014 16:46

Tell her no, that isn't how it's going to work. Just say that you want to facilitate as much contact as possible and so if the children want to go to a party on your day, you will be doing the transporting/picking up and can she please give you the details.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 20/03/2014 16:54

"No - it's fine. I'll take them. Can you text me the details and send party clothes. Any suggestions for present for birthday boy? I'll pick them up after party and take them for some dinner then return to yours as usual."