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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to say NO!

71 replies

LostAndLostAgain · 20/03/2014 13:36

First.. Sorry if this is in the wrong section, but I'm not sure where it fit...
I have a court order to see my kids every other Sunday, but I've moved this before because the kids have something else on..

I was told that my DD's have something on, this so agreed to have them sat instead... I've literally just had an email saying that there's now a party on the sat, so she wants them back early...

I don't know if she's trying to be awkward...
I do know that on one occasion before, they didn't go to a party - they were seen out shopping with their grandparents...

I've always bent over backwards for the kids, because it doesn't really matter to me when I see them... Just that I do...

But it feels like she's messing me about.

What should I do?

OP posts:
PumpkinPie2013 · 20/03/2014 17:17

YANBU

You have changed days to suit and now suddenly there is another 'party' to be attended? By both (I'm assuming you have 2 children) children?

You have offered to take them and take them home at usual time but this has been refused because she 'doesn't want you' to take them?

Sounds very odd to me!

I would ring her if you can and say that you really want to have as much contact as possible and therefore would love to pick them up in the morning to spend time with them, then go to the party, have food and bring them home as usual.

If she refuses I'd be tempted to question whether this party is actually happening or whether it is in fact a ficticious party like the last one!

Can you contact anyone about you losing contact time (sorry no experience but assume you had a solicitor for the court order).

Original poster
LostAndLostAgain · 20/03/2014 17:38

Yes, I had to get a court order.
I think she's staying at someone's and is dropping the kids of at her dads for the night.
Its only a guess... But its logical..

Occams razor and all that...

OP posts:
Lottiedoubtie · 20/03/2014 17:40

Can you offer to drop the kids off at her dads if that's easier for her? Wink

dollius · 21/03/2014 06:46

Why do you have to drop the kids at her dad's for the night? Why can't you have them?

Tell her it's simple. If they have a party on your contact day then it will be you taking them to the party. You've already switched days to suit her, enough is enough.

It is in the kids' interests to have good relationships with both of you.

procrastinatingagain · 21/03/2014 06:54

Is that the only contact you have with your children op? If so, why so little and why no over nights, if you don't mind my asking?

procrastinatingagain · 21/03/2014 06:54

Is that the only contact you have with your children op? If so, why so little and why no over nights, if you don't mind my asking?

Waltonswatcher1 · 21/03/2014 07:34

So sorry op .
Keep fighting to see them - kids need their dads and you sound like a good one .

Original poster
LostAndLostAgain · 21/03/2014 11:59

Its a long story, but in essence - when we first split I worked out what id need to pay her for CSA and made payments.
She was told by a 'friend' that she'd get more money through CSA (They were right, the csa calculator was out a couple of pounds) But the CSA were appalingly slow and her payment was delayed while they sorted it.

The next time i saw them she had a screaming fit about this and said that she 'wouldnt do anything for me ever again'... I, rather stupily replied that the only thing she had done for me since we split was to (intermittantly) let me see the kids...

That was the last time i saw them for 9 months.

She tried every trick in the book, My DS had autism (He mysteriously didnt after being checked by Dr's) there were wranglings and much to-ing and fro-ing between me (i cant afford solicitors) and the ex, who can - she gets twice my wage to sit at home, thinking of ways to upset me...

by the time I was offered contact on a perminant basis, I just took it - I was so glad to get it set in stone.. In hindsight, i should have asked for more..

And overnight?
Thats written into the contact order, but I need to have 'suitable accomodation'... I'm working on that :)

I know there will be some who will assume there will 'be more to it' to be the object of someone's wrath..

If you find out, please tell me - I dont know.

The worst thing I ever did to her was to say that I didn't love her anymore.

OP posts:
Lottiedoubtie · 21/03/2014 12:05

Lost, you don't have to justify yourself to us. You sounded totally reasonable throughout this thread. Just continue calm written communication with the Ex that you will be taking the children to the party, and are happy to drop off wherever is convenient and safe after the party.

After all if you haven't yet got appropriate accommodation it's not unreasonable for them to stay with grandparents if it suits the family after your contact time.

Original poster
LostAndLostAgain · 21/03/2014 12:06

And yes. That was a sad day.
A relief to finally have it in the open, but a very sad day.

OP posts:
itiswhatitiswhatitis · 21/03/2014 12:11

Just keep repeating, "sorry that doesn't work for me I am happy to take them to the party and drop them to wherever afterwards but I won't be cutting my time short. If I don't hear back about the party details I'll assume they're not going"

Aeroflotgirl · 21/03/2014 12:18

Oh lost, I would definitely be very assertive, if she messes around with contact, take it back to court. Throughout you have been reasonable and measured, yes RP can be manipulative and awkward as in op case. Sorry I am not a professional, but good luck.

Original poster
LostAndLostAgain · 21/03/2014 12:20

Have pretty much cut and pasted what you said itiswhatitiswhatitis

OP posts:
TalisaMaegyr · 21/03/2014 12:25

You need to be more assertive, I know it's easier said than done. Make it clear that this is YOUR day with the dc, as per the contact order, and you will not be taking no for an answer. If you don't do this now, it will carry on for years. PLEASE don't let her take the piss. I know SO many women that are like this with their exes and I think it's disgraceful.

TalisaMaegyr · 21/03/2014 12:26

Well done Lost. They are just as much your children as they are hers, and this just shouldn't be happening.

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 21/03/2014 12:26

As hard as it may be try not to get drawn into a point scoring argument about how she always try's to mess you about etc. stay calm point out that you are always happy to be flexible where you can if contact day needs swapping around but you won't be cutting short your time if it is not necessary and on this occasion you are able to take them to the party so there is no valid reason to cut your time short.

TalisaMaegyr · 21/03/2014 12:31

Exactly what itiswhatitiswhatitis said. You don't need to be rude or have an argument about it, just put your point straight across.

Original poster
LostAndLostAgain · 21/03/2014 12:40

And I quote
" If you cant go along with the plans I have re arranged for you to see the children this weekend I will have to cancel this visit."

OP posts:
Original poster
LostAndLostAgain · 21/03/2014 12:48
Angry
OP posts:
Goldmandra · 21/03/2014 12:50

"As is ordered by the courts, I will collect the children at xxxx (time) on xxxx (day) and return them at xxxx (time).

If you would like me to return them to a different place I will be happy to do so.

If they have been invited to a party on that day, I am happy to take them and provide a gift. Please let me know the details."

Stay calm.

Original poster
LostAndLostAgain · 21/03/2014 12:54

Have offered to have them at court appointed time on sunday and to take the girls to their dance-class-show-thing on sunday...

Not that I've ever heard of a a dance school doing a show on a sunday afternoon.....??

OP posts:
Original poster
LostAndLostAgain · 21/03/2014 12:55

becoming more and more suspicious

Her friend (also divorced) doesnt have her DC this weekend either...

OP posts:
bunchoffives · 21/03/2014 13:18

Re dance shows, actually frequently on Sundays.

but

they do not 'visit' you and their contact with you is not of equal importance as a party, dance show, gp visit etc etc. It is an important part of their well-being and long term mental health to have a good relationship with both their parents and you both need to put your responsibility to provide this to your children before all other squabbling issues.

If your ex can't see this perhaps you need to ask for a talk/write a letter/ask gps to speak to her?

Otherwise it's back to court you go. Keep a diary of all non/contact.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/03/2014 13:32

If she starts putting these obstacles in your way and you have tried to reason with her, Goldmandra post is good, I would take it back to court. This would be taken very seriously by the judge if mum is nit adhering to contact for no good reason. Dance shows and parties or whatever excuse dies not count

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/03/2014 13:35

I was going to suggest that you document all of this. Keep that text about cancelling the visit. She is proposing to deny you court appointed contact if you don't cut short your time because she says so.

Tell her she has the option of you doing the party on Sat or the dance show on Sunday but you do expect to have the amount of contact specified in the court order.

Families need Fathers may have some advice too
www.fnf.org.uk/