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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Mum and my MIL

70 replies

PiscesLondon · 19/03/2014 14:12

Hi,

I don't even think this is a AIBU, but some perspective would help me. I feel i'm being so stupid and I don't like feeling this way.

My Mum and I are close, speak every other day on the phone, see each other about once a week (my daughter comes along too to see her Nanny) She has a demanding job, works fairly long hours and when she has time off she usually has my daughter for a sleep over, if she doesn't have plans. My Mum is in her 50's and still has a bit of a social life, but not a very busy one. I don't use my Mum for childcare whilst I work.

My MIL is about 14/15 yeas older than my Mum, has never worked and therefore has a lot of free time. She has no social life. She has my daughter one day per week. (I'm not working on this day, my MIL just wants this day with DD, my DD goes to nursery whilst I work) She doesn't ever have DD overnight, as there's no room at her house, but there will be next year once her Son moves out.

Anyway, DD starts school this year, and MIL has been saying odd stuff over the last couple of weeks. saying it to DD, but in earshot of me. "I'm going to make sure I still see you a lot from September, I will pick you up from school once a week and take you for tea, i'll also come to your house another day after school to play with you" "I'm going to get you a bedroom done at my house soon and then you can stay all the time and won't have to stay at your other Nannie's" "I'm going to make sure I still have you at weekends for days out" There's more been said but I won't bother to type it, it'd take ages.

For some reason it has gotten me paranoid. My Mum isn't like this, she says to me she worries I will think she's interfering. She waits for me to ask her to babysit or take my DD for the day (which I don't do too often as I don't want to take the piss due to her working full time)

It's starting to make me think my Mum doesn't care about DD as much as my MIL does. It makes me feel so sad. She is only grandchild on both sides and I really want my Mum to have a strong relationship with my DD (She does, but worried it will wane from September, as MIL pointed out my Mum won't have much time to see my DD from September as my Mum works 2 in 4 weekends)

My DP has also started saying things like "your mum has other things going on in her life, you should ask my mum to do all babysitting" I feel like they are playing head games with me?!

AIBU and extremely paranoid? Do I need to just except that MIL is more passionate about being Granny than my Mum?

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 19/03/2014 14:20

I don't think it is a case od one being more passionate about your DD than the other.

This is the kind of thing that happens when people (you in this case) compare and make life a competition.

Your MIL is your MIL, your Mum is your Mum. They are different people, with different things going on in their lives.

My DD has said she wants to start trying for a baby soon. I told her that if she does and falls pregnant quickly, then I will not be as able to be as hands on with help as I would like. Her MIL on the other hand, has more time to spare, so she would be able to help more.

In 2 1/2 years time, my circumstances will change. Then the help I am able to give will change.

Groovee · 19/03/2014 14:21

Your MIL is overstepping boundaries and it sounds like dd is her whole life and she is paranoid about not seeing her as normal! You'll have to take a stand. I also reckon your DP is hearing it from his mum.

Your mum has a life and dd is part of that life, just not the only thing in the world like your MIL.

Flyonthewindscreen · 19/03/2014 14:22

I would be happy for your DM that she has a life of her own and isn't desperately trying to make your DD the centre of life. Your DM is hardly not a devoted granny if she works full on, full time and has a social life of her own but makes time to have your DD for sleepovers when not working.

Sounds as though your MIL is panicking about losing "her day" with your DD once she starts school. I would not make a big deal about it and take up her offers to have your DD for tea or at weekends or whenever as and when its suits you and your DD and worry about it if it becomes too much. I would say perhaps not to get into too much of a set pattern as your DD will want to see friends and do activities as she gets older and not always have to see Nana on a Tuesday and a Saturday afternoon without fail.

Also if your DM likes to babysit sometimes I would not let MIL hog it all!

EverythingsDozy · 19/03/2014 14:23

I would be more concerned about the "won't have to stay at your other nannies house" comment.
What does she mean by that??

Mim78 · 19/03/2014 14:23

Sounds like your mum is being a lot more normal than mil to me!

Purplehonesty · 19/03/2014 14:25

Our two grannies are like this too.
My mum sees the kids when I ask her to have them or she is passing.
Whenever I ask her to look after them - maybe a few times a year she always has to check her diary, see what her partner is doing and basically if she hasn't got anything better to do she will say "I don't see why not"
Then when she has them she is great and says how much she loves them, how she doesn't see them enough etc etc and "ask me any time, I will have them anytime!"
MIL asks to have them just because she wants to see them. She will say aren't you going to go out/away/have a night on your own? Then she has them to stay over. If we ever ask her to look after them she says yes before we have finished the sentence! She buys them clothes and toys at least once a month and is just fabulous.
They both love the kids equally I am sure but MIL is more child focused and just loves their company.
The kids don't seem to have a favourite either which is odd, you think they would be all for MIL but they often ask for my mum.

fluffyraggies · 19/03/2014 14:26

i cannot bare it when my mother people speak to me 'through' my CDs.

''mummy aught to cut your fringe, yes, you can hardly see where you're going, can you? no''

AngryAngry

... so that MIL stuff would piss me off.

Purplehonesty · 19/03/2014 14:26

Oh sorry I didn't answer your question...yes that's just it, one is more passionate about spending time with kids, doesn't mean the other doesnt love them tho!

wishingchair · 19/03/2014 14:26

What Kamer said ...

Dfg15 · 19/03/2014 14:26

Yes, I didn't like the sound of the 'won't have to stay at your other nannies house' either. I wouldn't be happy if my MIL had said that to one of my girls. Your mum sounds as if she has the perfect balance, she has her own life, but also spends time with your daughter.

littletreesmum · 19/03/2014 14:27

This reply has been deleted

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fluffyraggies · 19/03/2014 14:28

CDs!? lol DCs

MommyBird · 19/03/2014 14:29

Your mother sounds perfectly normal. Seeing dd but not being too ott.

Your MIL on the other hand sounds abit loony.
The 'so you won't have to stay at other nannies' comment is really nasty.

MrsMillions · 19/03/2014 14:34

Agree with both Grovee and Karmer. Please don't think your mum loves DD any less. I would even say it's maybe because she loves you more than your MIL does that she's more wary of any perceived interference.

crazy88 · 19/03/2014 14:36

I think this is pretty common, your MIL has to make more of an effort to establish a bond, your own mother has the security of knowing that as the maternal grandmother she is effectively "no 1 granny". If your daughter enjoys spending time with both of them then that's a bonus.

From my experience I would resist making regular arrangements unless it suits you with work, as these can be tying and end up being a chore, but honestly as long as everyone is happy I don't see why this is a problem.

sunbathe · 19/03/2014 14:40

Your mum sounds thoughtful and doesn't overstep boundaries.

Maybe your mum would like to see more of dd, but is being nice and not putting pressure on you?

crazy88 · 19/03/2014 14:40

mommybird she may not have meant it like that, she may have thought that as the other granny had lots going on she might be too busy.

Or am I being naive? Grin I sort of feel sorry for MILs like this, it's a tough role sometimes and as a mother of boys I know it will be me one day! Smile

Original poster
PiscesLondon · 19/03/2014 14:42

thank you so much for the comments. i thought i was going mental! i starting to feel so sad and paranoid and i think it's because DP has started saying stuff too such as "my mum has no social life, your mum does" but the way he says is implies his mum makes DD a priority and my mum doesn't care as much. he has also started saying we should ask his mum to do all babysitting as my mum has other things going on. the thing is my mum loves having DD when she can, just not every single weekend (which his mum would)

yes, that comment was nasty wasn't it? she then said how busy my mum was with work etc so i feel she was trying to make out she would ease the imaginary burden off my mum.

i've started to panic about baby number 2 (TTC later this year) stupid i know because who knows if i'll even be able to conceive, but i feel that if i do have another i will be hurt if MIL is always here, fussing, asking to take baby and my mum isn't. funny, as i never felt this way when DD was born, but i think i'm feeling this way due to MIL's and DP's weird comments lately.

I feel so stupid! i'm a grown woman, shouldn't be desperate for my mother to want to be more involved just because of stupid comments.

OP posts:
BeyondRepair · 19/03/2014 14:43

Sounds like your MIL is massively insecure and batty.

Sorry, but she see's her GD loads and loads and yet she is still being competitive with your poor mum who works?

From what you have written it sounds like your MIL was being cut out or left out, but its YOUR mum by her own choice and work etc is being the less dominant feature here.

Maddness.

You need to sternly tell your MIL that come school your DD will be making friends and start to have her own life.

ArgyMargy · 19/03/2014 14:44

I think you are being paranoid. Why not just be grateful that both mothers are willing and able to be part of your lives.

BeyondRepair · 19/03/2014 14:44

If anyone is normal here its your mother - trust me. There should be no talk of any of this, think of all the things you could be talking about...

redskyatnight · 19/03/2014 14:44

Other than the "other nanny's" comment - is your MIL trying to reassure your DD that she will still see lots of her even though she won't be visiting for the day a week? As in - it's your DD that is worried?

Original poster
PiscesLondon · 19/03/2014 14:48

you really are a wise bunch! crazy88 that makes so much sense that MIL would be making more of an effort to establish a bond. i actually do see that.

bare in mind, i love MIL and i'm grateful for her help, very glad that she and DD have a lovely bond, but i think these weird comments are ultimately going to lead me to pushing me away a bit.

OP posts:
MommyBird · 19/03/2014 14:51

"I'm going to get you a bedroom done at my house soon and then you can stay all the time and won't have to stay at your other Nannie's"

That to me sounds abit crazy.

If it was:
'i'm going to get a bedroom done at mine so you can have sleepovers like you do at other nannies'
Then it sounds fine.

It sounds to me that she wants her to stay all the time instead of going to other nannies.

...or maybe i just have bad experiences with MILs Sad

GandalfsBeard · 19/03/2014 14:54

I wouldn't worry at all about your mum not being as passionate about being a grandmother, I'd worry about your MIL over-stepping the mark!

Your mum sounds like a lovely, caring grandparent who is there for you when you need/want her but doesn't interfere and has her own life to lead too. That's how all grandparents should be IMO.

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