My Mum and my MIL

[PiscesLondon]

Hi,

I don't even think this is a AIBU, but some perspective would help me. I feel i'm being so stupid and I don't like feeling this way.

My Mum and I are close, speak every other day on the phone, see each other about once a week (my daughter comes along too to see her Nanny) She has a demanding job, works fairly long hours and when she has time off she usually has my daughter for a sleep over, if she doesn't have plans. My Mum is in her 50's and still has a bit of a social life, but not a very busy one. I don't use my Mum for childcare whilst I work.

My MIL is about 14/15 yeas older than my Mum, has never worked and therefore has a lot of free time. She has no social life. She has my daughter one day per week. (I'm not working on this day, my MIL just wants this day with DD, my DD goes to nursery whilst I work) She doesn't ever have DD overnight, as there's no room at her house, but there will be next year once her Son moves out.

Anyway, DD starts school this year, and MIL has been saying odd stuff over the last couple of weeks. saying it to DD, but in earshot of me. "I'm going to make sure I still see you a lot from September, I will pick you up from school once a week and take you for tea, i'll also come to your house another day after school to play with you" "I'm going to get you a bedroom done at my house soon and then you can stay all the time and won't have to stay at your other Nannie's" "I'm going to make sure I still have you at weekends for days out" There's more been said but I won't bother to type it, it'd take ages.

For some reason it has gotten me paranoid. My Mum isn't like this, she says to me she worries I will think she's interfering. She waits for me to ask her to babysit or take my DD for the day (which I don't do too often as I don't want to take the piss due to her working full time)

It's starting to make me think my Mum doesn't care about DD as much as my MIL does. It makes me feel so sad. She is only grandchild on both sides and I really want my Mum to have a strong relationship with my DD (She does, but worried it will wane from September, as MIL pointed out my Mum won't have much time to see my DD from September as my Mum works 2 in 4 weekends)

My DP has also started saying things like "your mum has other things going on in her life, you should ask my mum to do all babysitting" I feel like they are playing head games with me?!

AIBU and extremely paranoid? Do I need to just except that MIL is more passionate about being Granny than my Mum?

A child can never get too much love.That is all.

She doesn't ever have DD overnight, as there's no room at her house, but there will be next year once her Son moves out.

I think it may be more to do with this than with you or your DD. How old is her son and why is he moving out?

MIL is playing a nasty, competitive game here, and could profitably be told to stop being a manipulative bitch. She sounds jealous of your Mum. Your DH could stand back and view things more objectively as well. His attitude's not helping. Very unpleasant and passive aggressive to direct those comments at a little girl, knowing that she wants to say them to you. She needs to grow up.

I would be more concerned about the "won't have to stay at your other nannies house" comment.

This! That's what jumped out to me too! What on earth does she mean by that comment?! That would piss me right off!
Nothing wrong with her being able to spend time at MIL's and have a night over there as well, but why does she put it in such a way that "you don't have to stay at your other nannie's anymore? Why not be able to take it in turns to stay with both of them?!
The relationship with your mum and dd and her balance of social life and dd sounds a lot healthier than the being the whole world and nothing else in it but dd way of coming across that your MIL has.

She has my daughter one day per week. (I'm not working on this day, my MIL just wants this day with DD, my DD goes to nursery whilst I work)

Are you happy with this as I wouldn't be (I accept it may suit you), How did this come about ? It sounds to me that your MIL is very posseisive of your DD and is desperately trying to be top dog in her life, even to the detriment to you. When do you get to spend time with her ?

DP has started saying stuff too such as "my mum has no social life, your mum does" but the way he says is implies his mum makes DD a priority and my mum doesn't care as much.

Perhaps you need to point out to your DP that his DD is not a toy to fill a social void for his mum. It does sound as if your MIL is getting anxious and possessive, which may increase if you have a DC2. You might also want to point out that if your own DM felt the babysitting etc was a burden, than you're sure she'd be telling you.

What will happen once your DD is grown, if your MIL has had her so much and then as a teen your DD naturally wants to go and do stuff with her friends that doesn't involve her gran? Perhaps your DP might want to consider that before he starts echoing his mum's comments.

I'm going with the general flow here - your mother sounds absolutely normal and lovely, and doesn't want to interfere or take over. Unlike your MIL! Her involvement sounds a bit more disturbing! Especially as she seems to want to exclude your mother, how awful!

I think you should take a long hard look at why you've taken on board your DH's and MIL's criticisms of your mother, instead of standing up for her. Are you desperate to please them or something? Does your DH have a problem with your mum?

Either way, I don't think it's your mother who is the problem here.

Another one here who read the OP and thought that it was going to be about MIL trying to take over your dd.

Your mum sounds great and she is involved - in a lovely way that is helpful to you and works for her too, which is fantastic for everybody.

Your MIL is not being more passionate about your dd than your mum. She is being obsessive. In a bad way. And your dh is encouraging it (or at least taken in by it) by the sound of it, which isn't good. They are playing head games with you - MIL wants to be 'The Most Important Granny And Even More Important Than Mummy' person in your dd's life, which isn't good or healthy for anybody.

If your dh says again about MIL babysitting as your mum has other stuff going on - say that that is exactly why you want your mum to babysit for you; it's good that dd sees that people have lots of interesting things going on in their life, plus as she is busy it is a good chance for them to spend time together. Whereas if dd becomes the centre of MIL's universe then that's not good, she needs to develop other interests apart from your dd.

I'd start to wind down the full days with MIL now if you want to - say that as dd is going to school soon then you want to spend time with your dd during the day too. She's your dd - you get to decide, not your MIL! And every time she makes some comment about spending lots of time together after school, make a gentle reminder that actually, no there won't be lots of time to spend with MIL as everybody will be cutting down their time, you can't just magic time out of thin air so she can continue to see her for the same amount of time as she does at the moment!

take a deep breath and gently start to sever MIL's iron grip on your dd now!

I think your reading into it too much. Your mum works all the time and your MIL doesnt. Your mum might not feel the need to say all this to your DD either cos she doesnt feel she needs to or she doesnt want to give hee empty promises. It doesnt mean she isnt as hands on etc as your MIL it just means she doesnt have all the time available like your MIL.
Just shrug it off.

There is no section on the survey for those that compromise by having a cleaner!

Why on earth doe your MIL have DD on your day off? Why doesn™t she take on on a day you are working?

Apart from your MIL sounding ever so slightly unhinged I am very envious. I think you should be grateful that you have two grandma's who want to be such a part of your child's life. I think many of us wish this was the case.

you want to have your cake and eat it, OP.

your DD has two grand both fit and able enough to take an active role in her life. more than that is that they WANT to help. They mind her to free up your time and also for the sake of their own relationship with her.

Be glad with what you have.

My MIL was like this, in absolute competition with my mum, and eventually with me. There was a period where I was quizzed by MIL about how much my mum had seen dd that wee; she would turn up on days when my mum was visiting/babysitting and try to get dd to pay attention to her (one time, dd was playing with my mum's bag, and MIL suddenly called out "look dd, I've got a handbag, come and play with my handbag" leaving mum and I open mouthed). She was dreadful. She was also slagging me off to dd behind my back, undermining me to her ("I'll take you to the kitchen and find you a biscuit, don't pay any attention to mean old mummy" when I'd said that lunch would be in 10 minutes so no biscuit). It went on and on until I almost loathed the woman.

Don't blame your mum for this. Your mum is being perfectly normal and is doing what she can. I don't know if your MIL is being like mine, I hope not, but you do have to stop her saying things to dd like she does. Do not take any of this sort of shit from your dh either, he is just making it worse. And don't start TTC until this is sorted.

I hope your MIL is just feeling a bit insecure about not seeing her gc as often as she is used to, so you could just sympathise with her on that - you're not going to be seeing her as often yourself and you're her mum! (My MIL expected me to cancel school one day a week so she could spend it with dd. School!)

Which days MIL looks after DD will have to change when she goes to school, unless MIL picks her up and takes her back for tea one day a week, and a full day during the holidays if you want to continue this. But it might be better for this to be on a day when you are working.

In fact, DD starting school is the perfect excuse to change any current arrangements and prevent any that you don't like before they start.

And your mum sounds very considerate. MIL I suspect will try and work things to her own advantage and will try bending DP's ear so be prepared for that. Is MIL the type to cry and sulk if she doesn't get what she wants?

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth! You've got two loving, helpful grandparents - one more intense perhaps than the other, which is both a positive and a negative, but what a fantastic situation!

I think people are perhaps jumping to conclusions regarding your DH & MIL's comments - maybe your MIL when she said "you won't have to stay with your other nanny" meant when you need someone to take your DC overnight it always falls to your mum and your MIL is looking forward to helping too?

Maybe your DH sees how busy your mum is so thinks his mum could do the overnights? Maybe there's another reason?

But according to aibu they are massive manipulative horrendous bitches/ bastards of course...

"I'm going to get you a bedroom done at my house soon and then you can stay all the time and won't have to stay at your other Nannie's"
This does read to me like a very manipulative comment, designed to exclude other grandmother? Maybe I'm wrong. It would have wound me up if the 'other Nannie' were my mother though.

Although looking on the bright side the son isn't moving out until next year according to the OP so anything can happen between now and then, including the possibility that he may not move out at all, scuppering MIL's grand plans for his room.

Worry about that when it happens OP. Decide what to do when DD starts school first.

If your mil has no social life then that's her problem. Not yours.

You shouldn't have to let her cross boundaries just to keep her busy. It's up to her to develop her own life aside from your dd. it's not fair on you or your dd if she tries to revolve her life around you. What enormous pressure. That would mean week in and week out, you wouldn't have the freedom to do something different with your dd if you fancied it because your mil would get angry or upset. That is not normal.

She's also competing with your mother. That isn't normal either.

My mil is like this. She cannot be bothered to develop any hobbies or social life of her own. She is deeply resentful that we simply aren't going to keep her busy. She wants to make my dcs her life. Well that's just not possible.

I sometimes feel like she needs the dcs to fulfil a yawning gap in her own empty life rather than actually loves them for who they are.

OP when are YOU going to get to spend time with your DD if your MIL takes her for days out on the weekends?