My Mum and my MIL

[PiscesLondon]

Hi,

I don't even think this is a AIBU, but some perspective would help me. I feel i'm being so stupid and I don't like feeling this way.

My Mum and I are close, speak every other day on the phone, see each other about once a week (my daughter comes along too to see her Nanny) She has a demanding job, works fairly long hours and when she has time off she usually has my daughter for a sleep over, if she doesn't have plans. My Mum is in her 50's and still has a bit of a social life, but not a very busy one. I don't use my Mum for childcare whilst I work.

My MIL is about 14/15 yeas older than my Mum, has never worked and therefore has a lot of free time. She has no social life. She has my daughter one day per week. (I'm not working on this day, my MIL just wants this day with DD, my DD goes to nursery whilst I work) She doesn't ever have DD overnight, as there's no room at her house, but there will be next year once her Son moves out.

Anyway, DD starts school this year, and MIL has been saying odd stuff over the last couple of weeks. saying it to DD, but in earshot of me. "I'm going to make sure I still see you a lot from September, I will pick you up from school once a week and take you for tea, i'll also come to your house another day after school to play with you" "I'm going to get you a bedroom done at my house soon and then you can stay all the time and won't have to stay at your other Nannie's" "I'm going to make sure I still have you at weekends for days out" There's more been said but I won't bother to type it, it'd take ages.

For some reason it has gotten me paranoid. My Mum isn't like this, she says to me she worries I will think she's interfering. She waits for me to ask her to babysit or take my DD for the day (which I don't do too often as I don't want to take the piss due to her working full time)

It's starting to make me think my Mum doesn't care about DD as much as my MIL does. It makes me feel so sad. She is only grandchild on both sides and I really want my Mum to have a strong relationship with my DD (She does, but worried it will wane from September, as MIL pointed out my Mum won't have much time to see my DD from September as my Mum works 2 in 4 weekends)

My DP has also started saying things like "your mum has other things going on in her life, you should ask my mum to do all babysitting" I feel like they are playing head games with me?!

AIBU and extremely paranoid? Do I need to just except that MIL is more passionate about being Granny than my Mum?

My mil doesn't work and doesn't have much of a social life. She has dd1 twice a week because she wants her, not as child care. She is asking when dd2 can start going too but I'm concerned a 2yo and 6mo might be too much for her, she is 70! She doesn't have them overnight but only because there's no room. She would move heaven and earth for both dd and they are the focus of her life! I love that she wants to spend so much time with them as she may be around much longer due to health issues.

My parents on the other hand both work and have a busy social life. They have dd1 overnight regularly when their schedule allows but I wait for them to offer. I have absolutely no doubt that they love the bones of my girls and would do anything for them, they just have other things going on too!

Neither grandma is favourite as they both do different things and entertain in different ways. I'm sure it's the same with most grandmothers, and wanting to be involved is fantastic!

'my mum has no social life, your mum does"

thank god your mum is normal and happy, and doesn't have to live her life through others, like MIL. Everyone is supposed to have a social life, fgs.

your mum sounds normal and a loving grandma, MIL sounds way too invested in DD.

Has she had a word with DH?
Such as..."Oh londons mom is very busy..maybe i should do all the babysitting to help her out"

My MIL is fantastic at manipulation.
I have had such a bad experience with my MIL stepping wayy over the mark, having no bounderies And trying to take over.
Im not saying your MIL is the same but please listen to your gut.

Your mum sounds fabulous btw :)

I would guess your mil is afraid of losing granny status when your dd starts school. O f course she should not have made the "other nanny" comment but your own dm does not sound concerned Im sure she just needs a little reassurance that she will still have in important role in dds life.

Whenever I ask her to look after them - maybe a few times a year she always has to check her diary, see what her partner is doing and basically if she hasn't got anything better to do she will say "I don't see why not"

Why on earth shouldn't she check her diary? Why does it mean basically if she hasn't got anything better to do she will babysit? Is she not entitled to be busy and have a life outside sitting waiting for you to call? She may genuinely be busy. I no longer work as much as I did, but I have plenty to keep me occupied and I would have to check my diary before making commitments. I would absolutely do what I could to help but it does depend on what else I've got on. It does not mean she doesn't want to see her DGC!

Mothers and Mothers-in-law can't bloomin' win!

Be reassured that as DD's mum, you choose what she does, with whom and when; MIL will have to accept that. And the same for when DD goes to schoolfriends for play and tea after, birthday parties and when you are away on holiday. It's possible that if there is a new baby in the future MIL may be less intense with DD.

It sounds as if MIL feels she has missed out on sleepovers in the past due to having no spare room, so she may be over excited about that and thinks she will be taking over the sleepovers, however the way she said it to DD was not very clear. She must be aware that a child's life changes a lot when starting school, and so she is trying to get her times with DD 'booked' now. But if you think it's too much, say so.

It's not your fault that MIL has no social life, and while you are grateful for all she does and the relationship she has with DD, she still needs to defer to you.

So your mum sees you both once a week and does the odd sleepover...

Why on earth are you complaining? You sound very entitled and slightly resentful that your mum has her own life and isn't at your disposal for childcare.

Sounds like she does her bit whilst working around her own life.

Oh dear! My MIL died over 20 years ago so don't really want to talk ill of the dead..but I could have written your thread OP..but would have added that my Mum also lived 250 miles away. MIL saw DS everyday, had him one whole day when I worked and we went to visit often (same village). I saw my Mum about every 6 weeks. There were so many comments like...'let me see those photos before you send all the good ones to your mum!' (we always got 2 copies!!)...and....' bring X over as shes taking him away and I wont see him for a week!'... My DCs had a fantastic relationship with my parents even with the distance. I would say though, my DH was very good at telling his Mum to not be so silly...I would sort him out first...he might not know how much his words are bugging you?

sorry op I laughed at 'my mum is in her 50s and still has a bit of a social life'.

50 isn't doddery you know.

I can't really work out what your actual problem is op. your mum is still a working woman with a social life and has your dd when it suits her? all normal

your mil doesn't work and has more time on her hands do wants to see her gc, all normal.

you and your dh control the access to your gc. not your mil or your mother. so deal with this in a case by case basis.

we haven't got grandchildren yet although have 2 grown up sons and 2 teen dds.

I can assure you we won't be desperately were styling our gc off our kids, we've done our parenting and are having a whale of a time.

we will of course help if needed and enjoy them but stuff the day to day care. that's my kids jobs. and yes we would be checking our diaries as we are busy people too.

My first grandchild is a few weeks old and I can identify most with your mum.

I am quite amazed about how much I adore my new grandchild and it is wonderful to spend time with them, but I would be very wary about overstepping the boundaries. I would do anything for my family (well maybe not childcare), but I would only do what my daughter was comfortable with and never assume.

I would be fairly confident that both grandmothers love your child, but that they have different approaches to their role. If anything I would be less happy with your mil's approach, but that's just me.

Oh and I would be very unhappy about your husband's comment re the babysitting. Why on earth should his mum do all the babysitting? She may well have time to do more, but why all?

yes you do need to tell your dh to stop being a knob. your child isn't a chew toy to be ragged over.

when you need a babysitter see whose free and leave her with the free one.

it's not a competition between the grandmothers or it really shouldn't be.

so your MIL wants to have your DD on weekends from September, your DM has her on odd weekends, when do you get to spend fun time with your DD? Once she starts school you may find you want to spend time with your DD yourself.

tell your DP that you cant make long term plans for how DD spends her future weekends as she will have playdates and parties and sleepovers and clubs and also you will want to spend time together as a family. But you're so lucky and happy they you have two doting grannies for your DC.

I'd also try and ask for babysitting favours equally from them in future, not just form MIL because has no life (what if she gets a social life and friends?).

can never really understand the leaving of a young child for the weekend anyway.

it's wierd to me. an occasional overnight at grans maybe but a whole weekend? wouldn't you miss them and they you.?

weekend is family fun time.

I am in a similar position as your mum in this scenario, I have to work am divorced, have a bit of social life but all the house running falls to me , so I am busy. I try to see my grandchild whenever I can but am also mindful that weekends and evenings may be precious to my daughter and her family.The other granny is retired , no partner and has a lot of time(and money) on her hands. I would hate to be judged against her as I am in no position to compete.
It sounds to me like your mum is doing all she can and wants to be involved with your children but is also sensitive enough not to be overly demanding. The other granny sounds weird by dint of her comments 'you wont have to stay with your other nanny' . What the hell she likely to be saying when you are not around if this is what she says in your hearing?
I think its very hard to strike a good balance and reading the many posts on here relating to mothers/daughters/grandchildren/family life, even well meaning grandparents actions can be misinterpreted.
I would suggest you don't judge your mum just because she has to work and isn't pushy, I am sure she loves you and her grandchild very much and is doing her best

I have been reading your thread again.

My dd started school last year and since then weekends are SO important to us now. Its our time. I think once she starts school, you're really going to miss her. You will not want to send her to grandparents every weekend.

My mum has dd on a friday night for a sleepover..could you try this? Maybe alternate a night between grandparents?

I think relationships with grandparents are important but nowhere as near as importang at "mum/dad and daughter time"

My dd also has alot of parties on a saturday/sunday but only since starting school and having friends.

I think you need to sit down with your dp,have a really good talk and try and sort out before she starts school.

Your mum sounds like the ideal grandparent. She tries not to interfere, doesn't pressure you, but is also happy to babysit if she's available.

Your MIL sounds OTT. What leaps out from your OP is that it seems to be all about what she wants, rather than what might be best for your dd.

When your dd starts school, it's very likely that she will get very tired by hometime - even if she's already used to a full day of nursery. There will be many evenings where all she will want to do is to get home and have some down-time. Having MIL around may well be too much for her when she's adjusting to school life.

I came on to post then realised copper top has said exactly what I think.

"I'm going to make sure I still see you a lot from September, I will pick you up from school once a week and take you for tea, i'll also come to your house another day after school to play with you" "I'm going to get you a bedroom done at my house soon and then you can stay all the time and won't have to stay at your other Nannie's" "I'm going to make sure I still have you at weekends for days out"

So she's going to pick her up once a week and take her for tea at her house...then another day she will come to your house... Wants her to stay 'all the time' AND have her every weekend too?

She will see her more than you do.
Your mother is normal. I'd be worried about your MIL.

OK, so let's flip this a bit. What do you want your mum to do?

Give up her job?
Give up her social life?
Move in with you and DP to be a full-time family nan to the family?

I don't think you want any of these things. But that's what would have to change in order for your mum to be 'more involved' with her GC. You can see that's bonkers, right? Your mum has a healthy balance in her life. Your MIL I would suggest does not, and is scared that when DD goes to school she will be shut out of her life. I think OK to reassure her, but not OK to turn that outward on to your DM.

(In reality it's an opportunity for MIL to get even more involved - if you want her to - what with the finishing at 3 and being on holiday for 180 days a year)

I am amazed. I read it through and thought it was about a problem with your MIL and not your mother! Your mother sounds very normal and reasonable. I would encourage your MIL to get other interests.

I am amazed. I read it through and thought it was about a problem with your MIL and not your mother! Your mother sounds very normal and reasonable. I would encourage your MIL to get other interests.

Ditto

Your mum sounds great to me; don't forget that a full time job, including some weekends, is very demanding. Plus it's lovely that she is giving you space to be a family but still there when you need her. Maybe you could suggest one weekend night per month with MIL and then try and arrange for you mum to have a day a month too, and babysit if it suits? If MIL can do an after school pick up and tea once a week that would help you too, Wouldn't it?

I too thought this was a MIL thread.

MIL sounds a little bit desperate and I don't like the Nannie comparison she is making to your DD.

I would be happy with what your mum offers, but if you are concerned just tell her she can ask you any time. It's likely easier for your mum than for mil as she naturally has a closer relationship with you.

As for MIL, I would make no commitments just now, but tell her that you will make sure that her and DD still spend lots of time together once DD is in school, you just want to see how it goes first. You could slip in how nice it will be for DD to be able to sleep over at both grandmas houses.

I really wouldn't worry. You are lucky in having the help and DD is lucky they both adore her. Which it sounds like they do. Plus MIL doesn't have the spare room yet so it's really not an issue.

When your daughter starts school I think it's going to be perfectly acceptable for you to want most weekends to be a time when you get to spend time with her. If I were you I would nip these comments in the bud now by making that plain to you MIL.