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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this Dad was totally out of order

62 replies

minkersmum · 18/03/2014 23:33

My 5 yo dd was playing at a friends house. She is often reluctant to go play there but will go if I stay. The friend likes things 'her' way and turns to big melodramatic howls if she doesn't get what she wants. Dd gets fed up with this.

The friend can do no wrong in the eyes of her parents who are overly strict and like to tell off everybody elses children.

So while we were there the other day my dd kept coming downstairs and sitting with me saying she didn't want to play anymore. When i asked what was going on she said friend was being mean and grumpy and not letting dd touch certain toys.
The next day dd tells me and dh she never ever wants to play there again and that the friends Dad had come into the bedroom and quietly told off my dd saying 'it's Lucy's room so it's Lucy's rules'.

I'm bloody raging and not surprised she never wants to go back.
Aibu to feel like having a word with the Dad?

OP posts:
Forgettable · 18/03/2014 23:36

I would let the friendship fizzle out without approaching the parent

For all you know your dd was being a bit of a pain

fatowl · 18/03/2014 23:40

Are the parents friends of yours (ie part of your social circle that you'd like to maintain a relationship with?)
Or is it purely a school friend relationship?

If purely a school friend, I'd just not go again.

Original poster
minkersmum · 18/03/2014 23:44

I have at times listened outside the bedroom door while they play because I wondered why the friend was always shouting/howling. I am 99% sure my dd was not being a problem. She can be a pita like most 5 yo but I know how it goes when they are together. Dd is sensitive and a people pleaser. She wasn't making a fuss.

OP posts:
iamsoannoyed · 18/03/2014 23:51

I simply wouldn't be taking her round to this girls house again and would discourage the friendship. I'd reassure your daughter that she doesn't have to go and play if she doesn't want to.

I probably wouldn't say anything to the other girls parents unless one of them specifically asked though.

Original poster
minkersmum · 18/03/2014 23:56

Mmm how I wish fizzling out was an option.

Ok so if fizzling out wasnt possible would you just ignore it but not take dd to play or say something?

OP posts:
Hogwash · 19/03/2014 00:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

esmeee · 19/03/2014 00:04

I'd decline all further invites, and try to encourage your DD to form other friendships by arranging playdates with other schoolfriends.

VenusDeWillendorf · 19/03/2014 00:28

You have choices.
Choose someone else, or better still, let your DD choose her own friends.

Leave the parents to reap what they sow! I wouldn't bother with them again.

Tell your dd she was right not to want to play if the other girl was being mean: friends are not mean to each other.

Your dd sounds very clued in as to what's right for her, by her own gut feelings; that's a very important skill.
Don't make her do things she doesn't want to do, and it will stay with her.

VenusDeWillendorf · 19/03/2014 00:29

Minker, your dd is more important than any social obligations you have.
Just don't be available when next you are invited.

Don't drop your clever, self aware and lovely dd in the shit!

Aeroflotgirl · 19/03/2014 00:38

Don't take your dd there to play, they are ny friends, and it's not far on your dd

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/03/2014 00:40

I had a friend who picked her child's friends for reasons best known to herself. She made such a song and dance about it; I always assumed her self-esteem was hovering just above the floor to need to do that. She never did find the popularity she was trying to gain and I let our friendship fizzle because she was a crashing bore with her manipulating and using her children to try to elevate her own status.

Weegiemum · 19/03/2014 00:41

Fizzling out is always an option.

My dd1 (14) has ap had a best friend since about primary 4.

Dd2 and bf little sister are in the same class.

From both sides there were efforts to encourage that friendship. (Joint sleepovers were a big deal for them as that's all their dc, we also have a ds in between the girls so weren't as invested in the "weekend off" scenario!)

But though dd1 was BFF (and still is) with friend1, dd2 has developed lots of friendships away from friend1's sister. Mainly because, though friend1 is a lovely girl, her sister is petty, accusatory and has to have it all her own way (and yes I've pulled dd2 up on being nippy with the sister).

Sometimes you just cant engineer friendships. Or in your case, you shouldn't!

And I'm a good friend of the mum in this situation. Our dd2's issues don't stop us being friends!!

AskBasil · 19/03/2014 00:49

Even if your DD was being a PITA, the dad's response was out of order. "It's Lucy's room so Lucy's rules" is the utterance of an arsehole and I don't think you want to cultivate relationships with arseholes do you?

ADishBestEatenCold · 19/03/2014 00:50

I'm a bit lost, Hogwash. What was the biscuit for? Are you the other little girl's parent?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 19/03/2014 00:53

Why isn't fizzling out an option?

K8Middleton · 19/03/2014 00:54

Oh leave them to it. When Lucy is about 14, Lucy's dad is going to wish he'd been less of a twat. Assuming he has an ounce of sense which he possibly does not based on the available evidence...

ArtexMonkey · 19/03/2014 00:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Groovee · 19/03/2014 07:08

I'd just refuse all future invites. Your daughter comes first!

saintmerryweather · 19/03/2014 07:10

And yet 'your house your rules' is normally such a popular line to trot out on MN

Aeroflotgirl · 19/03/2014 07:58

If your friends with her mother, it's not just te kids, just meet when teir in school/bed etc. they do not have to see each other

maddening · 19/03/2014 08:00

Sorry but why can't the friendship end - your dd has made it clear

Only1scoop · 19/03/2014 08:05

Just never go around there with her to play again. Is that not an option. Why would you want to go again. I don't think I'd personally say anything but just wouldn't go again.

MothershipG · 19/03/2014 08:08

Saint are you being deliberately disingenuous? 'Your house, your rules' is for grown ups, not for the rules a 5 year old might want to set! Grin

OP have the child over to yours and see if she's happy with the same rule in your house in your DD's room, I bet she won't be!

Why can't you let things fizzle? Are you related?

Shamoy · 19/03/2014 08:21

I've got friends that bring their kids round and one kid always tries to touch and play with things that are too delicate for his boisterous nature. My son is a similar age but takes great care of art sets, model building sets and delicate books etc. this other child is a bit rougher. I put those toys up higher and say they can play with anything else when friends are round. When child climbs up to get these things I do tend to say that the rules are we don't play with those things when friends are round. Our house our rules on that one!
If you're sure your child is not being a pain though then it is pretty rude!!

Shamoy · 19/03/2014 08:22

And that rule is my child's not mine as he doesn't want his things ruined!!