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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that SAHPs are allowed to have bad days?

52 replies

QueenofKelsingra · 17/03/2014 11:05

Was chatting to a friend who told me she had had a bad day at work, was stressed out, deal wasn't going through as planned etc. i said, tell me about it, yesterday was a disaster, all 3DC seemed on a mission to drive me mad! Took and hour just to get everyone dressed and i didn't even dare go to the supermarket.

her response was 'well you chose to be at home with them' Confused

well, yes i did (although childcare for 3 would make me working impossible anyway) but you chose to be an accountant. whats the difference? just because i chose to be a SAHP does that mean i cant have bad days and need to offload? do you think I'm actually that interested in the inner workings of your job? I'm a friend, so i listen, why cant you do the same for me?

this is not the first time someone has said this too me either.

AIBU to think SAHPs are allowed to moan about their 'day job' as much as anyone else??

OP posts:
Innogen · 17/03/2014 11:07

I'd gave just replied with 'yes, and you chose to be an accountant'

Whatever she thinks about your choices, (and she is allowed to think whatever she wants) it was rude to say that out loud.

fieldfare · 17/03/2014 11:07

Yanbu, but then some people are rude and insensitive.

Impatientismymiddlename · 17/03/2014 11:08

Everyone is entitled to have a bad day.
You choose to be a SAHP and she chooses to be a WOHP, you can both have bad days.
You should have replied to her comments with 'well you can leave your bad day behind at the office, but I can't do that'.

BinarySolo · 17/03/2014 11:10

Of course you can.

I have a couple of friends that seem hell bent on finding me a job as I can't 'just' be a sahm. I think they think I'm lazy. But they'd rather work than look after their kids full time because working's easier. I just smile and nod now.

weirdthing · 17/03/2014 11:14

Your friend doesn't sound like much of a friend tbh.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 17/03/2014 11:14

In your situation OP your friend may have wanted to be a sahp as well. She may resent your bad day as it was with your children rather than in a crappy job (or a good job on a bad day whatever). Whatever her reason her comment was about her not you in my opinion.

Communication is key. Ask her what is really going on next time she makes a snippy comment about you being a sahp - if she is unhappy with her 'choice' maybe she she didn't choose but works through necessity?

But of course you can have a bad day when you are a sahp - I have plenty Brew

CynicalandSmug · 17/03/2014 11:18

Of course. the difference is that when I have a bad day at work I know eventually I can go home and it will be over........ what a daft person your friend is.

Original poster
QueenofKelsingra · 17/03/2014 11:20

it's not about whether she has issues with me being at home (quite frankly i don't care), its just the assumption that because i 'chose' to be at home I'm not allowed to find it hard or complain.

yes i know some parents work through necessity but she did choose her line of work (has been doing it a long time before she had kids).

its not really a SAH V WOH issue either to me, its not 'you chose to work', its 'you chose to be an accountant' IYSWIM?

I think it just came on top of an idiot member of the family saying i must not talk about the DC at a dinner out as 'nobody cares' but apparently everyone wants to know how many time-wasting patients he saw at his GP practice this week.

my point was why is it ok to talk about any given job but not looking after children.

OP posts:
redskyatnight · 17/03/2014 11:23

Well I agree that you can have a bad day whether a SAHM or WOHM.

But your day is much more under your control if you are a SAHM -you control what you do and where you go and how you manage things.

IF you are a WOHM your work is at least partly dictated by others, and you can't always manage things the way you want (I spent last Friday doing a huge number of soul destroying pointless tasks because someone else thought they were a good idea).

Perhaps that is what your friend means?

DaffyDuck88 · 17/03/2014 11:25

YES!!!! We are! YA-TOTALLY_NBU!!!! The idea that it's a breeze, that we're living some sort of story book life with everyone playing nicely…. sigh…. Your friend probably imagines you're having lovely lunches without realising that even if thats the goal;

  • the kids will eat first
  • the noise level rarely drops low enough to hear yourself think
  • you actually have to feed them or it will end up everywhere else other than their mouths
  • you personally haven't had a hot meal in as long as you can remember, let alone a hot cup of tea or tea break
  • there is no sick cover - nobody else is going to get things sorted other than you
  • that this is for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week!
    She gets to go home in the evening whereas we have little beings that need us for everything. What some people don't realise is that it's a whole different world of stress - and yes we chose to have children, but it's not a competition. We're allowed to express ourselves just as they are. Let your friend spend a day with your little ones and undoubtedly she would be clamouring to get back to the office toot sweet. The idea that we chose it and so thats it? Just lazy thinking.

Offload away OP.

Hope today is a good one for you!

IWillOnlyEatBeans · 17/03/2014 11:28

YANBU.

I am a SAHM and have good days and bad days, just like I did when I was a WOHM.

My days are under my control to a degree redskyatnight but children are unpredictable and things don't always go to plan!

Latara · 17/03/2014 11:29

YANBU Everyone is allowed to have bad days!

Viviennemary · 17/03/2014 11:32

I think you can have a bad day at home. But it's not a job. And I agree your day is under your control. Leave everything and go off to the park or get in the car. I don't think it can be compared with real work.

Sneezecakesmum · 17/03/2014 11:32

YANBU

it's a bit like the argument or working parents who say smugly (out of a 24 hour day) 'I give DC a whole hours quality time'

As if a SAHM totally ignores her DC their entire waking time!

Foxeym · 17/03/2014 11:33

Yanbu I've always been a working mum but currently on maternity leave with DC3. Spent all day yesterday trying to calm a screaming 4 month old with no clue what was wrong with him. I felt completely drained by the end of the day especially as he's normally a really easy going baby. At least when worked stressed me out I could walk away at the end of the day, unfortunately not possible to do the same with a DC

bigmouthstrikesagain · 17/03/2014 11:35
Hmm Viv - you are of course correct. Cooking, Cleaning, child care they can't be compared with 'real' work ... I mean no one gets paid for doing these things... oh wait Hmm
Sneezecakesmum · 17/03/2014 11:35

A working day is far more controllable than coping with unpredictable children.

You have those things called colleagues who you can call on to help!

IslaValargeone · 17/03/2014 11:36

laughs at the notion of small children being completely controllable

Original poster
QueenofKelsingra · 17/03/2014 11:38

i don't think the days are completely under my control - i have things that need to get done which i could not do on that day as the kids were just in a bad space, one not well, one very clingy etc. I agree SAHPs have more flexibility of what they do on a day but its not complete, the kids can end up dictating a bit.

Vivienne Biscuit i cant take anyone seriously who says its not a job and isn't 'real work'

i would stress again that this isn't a WOHM V SAHM issue. Its SAHM V Accountant/vet/doctor/lawyer as applicable - they chose their career just as i did so why is it ok for them to have bad days and not me. whether the working person has DC is irrelevant.

OP posts:
bigmouthstrikesagain · 17/03/2014 11:39

There are plenty of slackers in real paid work - a percentage of them on MN daily.

Our days contain many tasks, some paid, some unpaid and some days go well and some days go badly and a little empathy goes a long way. Smile

formerbabe · 17/03/2014 11:40

A bad day as a sahp has been much much worse for me than any bad day when I was working...not that it's a competition and some people have very stressful jobs.

The bad day when you are a sahp is inescapable...noise/mess/crying/screaming

WilsonFrickett · 17/03/2014 11:41

Of course you can have a bad day - anyone can have a bad day.

I wonder if she's one of those people who likes to offer a 'fix' every time someone has a moan? And you can't do that to a SAHP really, can you? I mean, if you say 'shit day at work, my boss is a git' a fixer will say something like 'well, you need to get a new boss'. Whereas they can't really say 'well, you need to get new kids!'. So instead of focusing on something like that, she's focusing on the whole SAH thing.

Badvoc · 17/03/2014 11:42

My worst day at work was nothing compared to my worst day as a sahm!

Gen35 · 17/03/2014 11:43

To me, my quite well paid, responsible job is much easier to me than childcare, there re no tantrums at work that I can't solve, I can slack in mn if stressed, it's quiet at work. You can't even say being at home is more rewarding, that's a personal statement about how much you like working vs looking after dc. Friendship has to be mutual support, not a series of judgments about who has the better deal or it's worthless...

MintyChops · 17/03/2014 11:45

YANBU, your friend sounds like a twat. She might get on well with Vivienne.