Even if IABU, should I ignore my gut instinct in regards to a new male worker in DS's nursery?

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DH said when he collected DS1 (age 5) from nursery today there was a new male worker in his room. There has never been a male worker there before.

I know most of you will say IABU but I feel very uneasy about this. DH is indifferent.

I know only a small percent of men are abusers and I know women are capable of abusing children and have been convicted of such offences - but I would still prefer him to be looked after by females at this young age.

The vast majority of sex abusers i hear about in the news are men and, whether this is fair or not, this makes me feel slightly less trusting towards men in general this regard. For example, if DS went missing in a shopping centre and was found by someone and looked after for a few minutes I would feel more comfortable if that person happened to be a women.

I also know that children are more likely to be abused by someone they know like a family member or friend of the family rather than by someone like a nursery worker.

DS has occasional accidents in nursery when he's distracted playing with his friends and doesn't make the toilet on time - and I would be extremely unhappy to have a male worker changing his clothes etc.

I know some people think its great to have a male influence for the children rather than an all female staff but this is not important to me. DS interacts regularly with our male relatives and friends so he is not missing out in that regard. I know that is not the case for all children.

DH heard my views and feels a bit sorry for the male worker who he says is just trying to make a living. However, for me my primary concern is feeling my children are as safe as possible.

Also, my other concern is DS2 (age 1). He is in the same nursery in another room. Sometimes the staff swap between the rooms. If the new male worker was in DS2's room - I would probably switch nurseries.

I was thinking maybe about talking to the nursery manager to get some reassurances that he will just be doing classroom work rather than changing clothes etc. I imagine I might come across as a bit OTT for expressing my concerns?

I'm sure many (maybe all?) of you think IABU and irrational about this - but do you think I should ignore my gut feeling on this because it is the politically correct thing to do.

One of the kindest and most gentle nurses I've ever met was my male nurse on my mental health ward.
I've met some superb and some awful care workers both male and female.
The trouble is there are rather a lot of small minded prejudiced people out there expressing views like the ones in the OP.

Of course you should question your childs care BUT you shouldn't question the suitability of a staff member you have never met based simply upon their gender.

You should question the policy and procedures in place within the nursery and ensure that they are implemented correctly of course. You should raise any concerns you have as they rise of course. You shouldn't judge a staff member based upon their gender.

oohdaddypig, how do you propose that one copes with the risk of women paedophiles (5-10%)?

oohdaddypig where do you stand on male carers working with non verbal autistic adults? Or adults with dementia?

Absolutely Sirzy

OK OOHDADDYPIG, look at it this way. According to official UK figures, black people make up 2.7% if the UK population over the age of 10, but 8% of arrests and nearly 14% of the prison population. Is it acceptable to not employ a black person because they are more likely to be a criminal?

No?

Then it's not acceptable to discriminate against men in childcare either.

oohdaddypig
"Secondly, paedophiles are almost always male - this is fact - and are attracted to working environments with children"

It is not a fact it is a statistic, nobody knows how many of each sex is a paedophile/Child abuser.

Yes perhaps oohdaddypig will use that to challenge her child's school if they have the temerity to employ a black teacher.

No Daddypig, it is NOT a fact that paedophiles are almost always men: far from it.
To continue peddling this myth is to deny the many victims of female sexual abusers a voice.

oohdaddypig- I don't get your overall point really, because the OP's child is 5 and not pre-verbal and it was the sight of a male in that child's room that disturbed her initially.

It is a mistake to think only preverbal children are at risk, most paedophiles have a preferred age range (sorry to have to say this) and you could easily argue that indeed they do tend to congregate where children and young adults are found- so scouts, schools, sports clubs.

Unless you honestly believe it is reasonable to not have men at all teaching anyone under the age of consent, then your argument about nursery doesn't really stack up- plenty of verbal aged kids are abused sadly as your examples of children's homes show.

The good point you made though is about child protection procedures.

But this ridiculous polarized view of men 'all men in childcare are paedos/all men in teaching are brilliant/sports/better at discipline than the women' is silly.

And by oohdaddypig reasoning a young black man wanting to become a nursery nurse is well and truly screwed.

Well said Tanith

paedophiles are almost always male - this is fact

Well, no, it isn't fact, which knocks out one of the foundation stones of your argument, oohdaddy. And i don't understand why you lay so much stress on the fact that the children can't talk when the thread relates to a male nursery worker looking after 5 year olds.

It does my heart good to read this universal response to the OP. I've nothing to add.

In terms of actual numbers - how many female paedophiles in that statistic are teachers etc having relationships with 15 year old boys (that's a debate for another day) as opposed to childminders etc? Statistics, damn statistics.

I would not want a man, other than her father, taking my 3 year old daughter to the toilet, wiping her genitals. No. As a female, a male doctor cannot examine me without a female present, even with my consent. Why do children not benefit from something similar?

There was a recent debate similar to this on netmums and - shock horror - what a calm pleasant discussion it was.

We are not "allowed" to have these discussions on mumsnet any more - no whiff of prejudice - but these are very real issues. The disclosure system is completely useless if any time has been spent out with the UK.

Oohdaddy . Please tell me exactly when my DS will turn from a lovely little boy into a potential predator and I will start building him a cage.

99.999999% of men are perfectly normal people. If we are to start thinking in terms if potential risk, maybe we should all withdraw from society and live in a bubble with our families - oh wait that's not safe because in most abuse cases the abuser is a family member anyway.

Is anybody who sees the OPs point worried about other professions. Would medicine attract people with a Munchausans (?) type illness for example (Colin Norris and Beverly Allit anyone?). Do police / army type jobs attract people prone to violence?

If you feel that strongly about your children being around completely innocent members of society (just because you don't have a blow by blow account of their every movement since birth is not resonable grounds for suspicion) then your only option is to remove your child from society.

Research, take precautions and raise VALID concerns, but try and believe that most people aren't out to murder / abuse / steal from you.

I agree thetallesttower

It's on a par with my last line manager complaining that my offender manager team needed "more testosterone" I don't have a personal caseload now but I was the OM most generally recognised amongst our service users as the toughest to manipulate and mess around. I found his remark unacceptable and said it perpetuated stereotypes.

There was a recent debate similar to this on netmums and - shock horror - what a calm pleasant discussion it was.

Do tell us where this thread has become less than calm? Or is a thread only calm in your view if the majority of posters agree with you?

Sooty - how exactly is someone being black remotely relevant to this discussion?

What - so because I am "prejudiced" against men in a nursery setting, I am therefore racist? Pull your head in.

Thetallesttower - I don't disagree with your point re sports coaches etc. however, for me, I feel that is a risk I can try to mitigate by speaking to my (older) child. I am not sure i would have any control over this particular risk although in my case I completely trust my nursery, which might be a factor.

And that, after all, is what this thread is about - our attitude to risk as a parent. So let's have sensible debates and not crucify anyone who dares to raise them.

I would not want a man, other than her father, taking my 3 year old daughter to the toilet, wiping her genitals. No. As a female, a male doctor cannot examine me without a female present, even with my consent. Why do children not benefit from something similar?

They do. A male worker in a nursery would not change a nappy or take a female child to the toilet without being fully visible to the other workers there.

oohdaddypig I hope any nursery where you expressed that view would tell you it was unacceptable.

And male doctors operate under restrictions because of unwarranted prejudice and the need to cover their backs.

No. As a female, a male doctor cannot examine me without a female present, even with my consent.

That's because doctors are scared of being sued, not because your risk of being molested is extremely high. They do this for their own protection against false allegations- can you not see the irony?

I'm also not sure this is true, my GP examined my chest for an infection a year or two ago and there was no chaperone and neither should there be, what a waste of NHS resources that would be unless the patient actively wanted one.

WTAF you avent even met this person! Get a grip!

DS interacts regularly with our male relatives and friends so he is not missing out in that regard.

You do realise statistically speaking it's far more likely your son would be abused by a male relative/friend than anyone else?

I'm glad you're getting a royal flaming over this, you should be utterly ashamed of yourself. By your reasoning, your own SONS may well turn out to be child abusers later in life.

Absolutely disguising attitude