Even if IABU, should I ignore my gut instinct in regards to a new male worker in DS's nursery?

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DH said when he collected DS1 (age 5) from nursery today there was a new male worker in his room. There has never been a male worker there before.

I know most of you will say IABU but I feel very uneasy about this. DH is indifferent.

I know only a small percent of men are abusers and I know women are capable of abusing children and have been convicted of such offences - but I would still prefer him to be looked after by females at this young age.

The vast majority of sex abusers i hear about in the news are men and, whether this is fair or not, this makes me feel slightly less trusting towards men in general this regard. For example, if DS went missing in a shopping centre and was found by someone and looked after for a few minutes I would feel more comfortable if that person happened to be a women.

I also know that children are more likely to be abused by someone they know like a family member or friend of the family rather than by someone like a nursery worker.

DS has occasional accidents in nursery when he's distracted playing with his friends and doesn't make the toilet on time - and I would be extremely unhappy to have a male worker changing his clothes etc.

I know some people think its great to have a male influence for the children rather than an all female staff but this is not important to me. DS interacts regularly with our male relatives and friends so he is not missing out in that regard. I know that is not the case for all children.

DH heard my views and feels a bit sorry for the male worker who he says is just trying to make a living. However, for me my primary concern is feeling my children are as safe as possible.

Also, my other concern is DS2 (age 1). He is in the same nursery in another room. Sometimes the staff swap between the rooms. If the new male worker was in DS2's room - I would probably switch nurseries.

I was thinking maybe about talking to the nursery manager to get some reassurances that he will just be doing classroom work rather than changing clothes etc. I imagine I might come across as a bit OTT for expressing my concerns?

I'm sure many (maybe all?) of you think IABU and irrational about this - but do you think I should ignore my gut feeling on this because it is the politically correct thing to do.

It should be debated and challenged whether the OP and her bigotry return or not. The issue is bigger than her and her small mindedness, regardless of why she reckoned she needs to reevaluate. Kim and her experience tells us that there are still too many people with closed minds around and those people are denying others the right to equality of opportunity in the workplace and perpetuating the idea that decency can be sneered at as PC thinking.

So she's not in the UK. Such closed minded prejudice needs challenging worldwide.

Yabu. Very.

But it's not being debated. Its just people saying the same thing over and over. I do think she was bu but she accepts that. There is a back story she briefly mentioned which may cloud her thinking. It doesn't mean she is right but I still think there is no need to keep on with some of the nastier comments.

Kim147, my DH works in childcare and the judging and prejudice very nearly put him off going in to it.

YABU op.

Ok if you had met this man and THEN had a gut feeling I would say go with it.

But you just can't assume a man you have never even clapped eyes on is a child abuser.

No kim I wouldn't. We need high quality staff in all areas of caring, regardless of gender and background. Challenging small minded ignorance like that expressed in the OP is just a start.

It's not a gut instinct if you haven't met him or even heard anything about him except his gender, it's just prejudice.

You may or may not like this (and I really do sympathise, I am also always warier about male carers, which isn't always fair) but you shouldn't justify it to yourself or others as an instinct.

There have been a couple of people to side with the OP so far.

BTW, if anybody would like a man to work in their nursery, just ask.

And I'm still thinking wtf about the OP 's attitude to her child being potentially lost and found by a member of the public in a shopping centre.

Hmm some of the logic on this thread is a little fuzzy to say the least. Thankfully most people on here are rational, but to address some of the more, erm, interesting points:

Men are statistically more likely to be abusers. Well they are more likely to be rapists that is true. When it comes to emotional and physical cruelty women appear to have equality with the men :( But it is also true that more children are abused by their own parent than a paid childcarer. Fuzzy logic would have us do away with parents then, or at least dads because they are men.

Trusting a gut instinct is usually a good thing to do but for that to be possible you have to have some experience of the behaviour either first hand or second hand. The op has neither so cannot "trust her gut" because her gut has not been tested, just her prejudice.

Op why not meet this man and see how you feel? Try to ignore some of the more hysterical or hectoring posts on here and focus on the sensible suggestions and advice.

OP isn't asking whether she should ignore her gut feeling because it's a totally irrational and unjustified feeling, she is asking whether she should ignore it "because it's the politically correct thing to do". I.e. she doesn't apparently genuinely accept that it's unreasonable, she thinks she might have to do it to fit in with what she seems to perceive to be a silly, trendy-lefty, lentil-knitting sandal-wearing agenda. So, kind as Perfectlypurple is being to her, I would like to see some sort of explanation of that before completely believing in the Damascene conversion.

I say grow up.

If your car needed fixing and the mechanic was a female would you go else where.

One of my hates is discrimination, and this is pure gender discrimination

My dd has a male nursery nurse in her room and he is fabulous. He is young (probably about 19/20) and all the children love him!

I wish there were more male nursery nurses but I guess a lot of men are apprehensive of the minority of parents' unreasonable views and opinions.

Yabvvvvvu.

DS had a male nursery worker. He was fantastic and I was really pleased that the nursery had a male worker. Likewise I'm pleased he has a male teacher now at primary school.

Incidentally, DS was at nursery until he was 5 - perfectly common in Scotland for spring/summer born children.

Your post has left me completely outraged. The level of bigotry and stupidity is amazing. Whilst there has recently been a push for male nursery workers and primary school teachers it's attitudes like yours which are keeping them out of the profession. I have a friend who at 21 was in the final year of his teaching degree and was almost bullied out of his placement by parents and other members of staff. YABU.

What is so weird is that this thread is running at the same time as the one about 'am I unreasonable not to think this TA isn't amazing just because he has an XY chromosome' or whatever it is called.

In that one, the OP is complaining that the new male TA receives heaps more compliments, of a certain type, when he's just a bog standard TA.

There seems to be a tipping point for some about when men are good in childcare- it also seems that they can't be just seen as people, but as offering very specific benefits and threats.

The little boy in this OP is 5, so would be in school in the UK, where he may indeed have a male teacher. The OP is so out of order it's untrue about these baseless suspicions, I equally dislike the fetishising of male teachers at primary ('he's so much firmer/better discipline/more sporty/everyone adores him) that seems to go on.

Males in childcare are people first!

Anyone is a person first in any job and should be judged on their personal qualities not on their gender or background.

And with regard to the OP I agree with nennypops.

Oh and I'd agree with those who say it's not a gut feeling, it's a prejudice. I think pretty much everyone has, at some point in their life, met someone who just gives them a bad feeling that they can't quite pinpoint. That's a gut instinct.

Deciding you don't trust someone to care for your child because they have a penis is not gut instinct. It's pure gender prejudice which you should be utterly ashamed of.

An irrational suspicion of all men near children is not a gut feeling.

Get a sense of perspective.

My Dad was a nurse and had 30 years of people questioning why a man would want to go into such a career. Its a shame some people still haven't moved forward enough to realise that men are as able to provide high quality care to people as women are.

I am one of the few to understand the OP's point.

Let's be clear - we are not talking about male teachers generally, or sports coaches. We are talking about nursery staff. Working in environments with very young children, many of whom cannot speak.

Secondly, paedophiles are almost always male - this is fact - and are attracted to working environments with children. You only have to look at the scandals in the 80s involving ritualised abuse at various special schools/foster homes to see this.

So is there a risk that a paedophile might want to work in a nursery? Yes there clearly is. Are there sufficient checks in place? Who knows. There are loopholes in the current disclosure scheme even in the UK.

Is the OP right to question this - and every other - aspect of her child's care? Yes, absolutely. Like everything else this is a risk and I don't think it's as minuscule as it is made out to be. Especially with children who can't yet verbalise or understand.

Some of the language used against the OP has been completely out of order in this thread. As one poster said, whose nursery had to sack an abusing member of staff, the abuser came across extremely well. So the fact she hadn't met him wasn't the point of her query in the first place.

my step father started off as a nursery worker then went into teaching - he was not a child abuser - YABVVU

poor man