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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Even if IABU, should I ignore my gut instinct in regards to a new male worker in DS's nursery?

352 replies

iphoneaddict · 16/03/2014 00:56

DH said when he collected DS1 (age 5) from nursery today there was a new male worker in his room. There has never been a male worker there before.

I know most of you will say IABU but I feel very uneasy about this. DH is indifferent.

I know only a small percent of men are abusers and I know women are capable of abusing children and have been convicted of such offences - but I would still prefer him to be looked after by females at this young age.

The vast majority of sex abusers i hear about in the news are men and, whether this is fair or not, this makes me feel slightly less trusting towards men in general this regard. For example, if DS went missing in a shopping centre and was found by someone and looked after for a few minutes I would feel more comfortable if that person happened to be a women.

I also know that children are more likely to be abused by someone they know like a family member or friend of the family rather than by someone like a nursery worker.

DS has occasional accidents in nursery when he's distracted playing with his friends and doesn't make the toilet on time - and I would be extremely unhappy to have a male worker changing his clothes etc.

I know some people think its great to have a male influence for the children rather than an all female staff but this is not important to me. DS interacts regularly with our male relatives and friends so he is not missing out in that regard. I know that is not the case for all children.

DH heard my views and feels a bit sorry for the male worker who he says is just trying to make a living. However, for me my primary concern is feeling my children are as safe as possible.

Also, my other concern is DS2 (age 1). He is in the same nursery in another room. Sometimes the staff swap between the rooms. If the new male worker was in DS2's room - I would probably switch nurseries.

I was thinking maybe about talking to the nursery manager to get some reassurances that he will just be doing classroom work rather than changing clothes etc. I imagine I might come across as a bit OTT for expressing my concerns?

I'm sure many (maybe all?) of you think IABU and irrational about this - but do you think I should ignore my gut feeling on this because it is the politically correct thing to do.

OP posts:
kim147 · 16/03/2014 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoctorTwo · 16/03/2014 10:15

I sort of see where the OP is coming from. Back in the mid 80s my first job was in childcare. I was the only male member of staff, and all the parents looked at me like Hmm the first day. Their attitudes changed completely by the end of the first week, their DCs apparently all loved me to bits.

What a shame we still live in a society that looks askance at men who work with children.

Greenkit · 16/03/2014 10:29

What a shame we still live in a society that looks askance at men who work with children

I think it disgusting we have these views about men who work with children. I guess that means all fathers are abusers of their children, utterly stupid.

WaveorCheer · 16/03/2014 10:33

What an ignorant and bigoted set of opinions you seem to hold.

maillotjaune · 16/03/2014 10:38

HairyGrotter you said you're glad MN does not represent the real world - I know you were talking about the OP but actually I think the fact that 99% of replies have been basically 'YABU get a grip', I'd say this was a fair reflection of life in general.

OP - of course YABU and need to get a grip.

kim147 · 16/03/2014 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovesooty · 16/03/2014 10:45

I'm with those who say this isn't a gut instinct but offensive prejudice and bigotry. It's because of views like yours and people who share them that there exists a climate where caring men are looked at askance if they want to pursue a career working with children. If I was responsible for an establishment serving the children of people like you and I heard a sniff of such views I'd tell you to remove your children forthwith. Oh and of course your sons will grow up to be - gasp - men...

Honeybear30 · 16/03/2014 10:50

OP please do speak to the nursery manager. Would be interested to hear what they said to you. If it was me I would ask you to remove your child with immediate effect. I would back my staff 100% and opinions such as yours would not be worth the fee you contribute.

I struggle to believe this is real?

Gileswithachainsaw · 16/03/2014 10:51

That poor nursery worker. He's done nothing to warrant any suspicion you haven't even met him. Dds nursery has a make worker I've never even thought about it. It's disgusting that a penis instantly has you pegged for a pervert.

All those with children/family who work with children or in "women's jobs" Hmm please don't let anyone push you off your path. You must do what You enjoy and are good at!!!!!

And kim don't care "what you are" you have always come across as a decent kind person who cares about children and I'd be delighted if my dds had you for a teacher!!

Please op do not breathe a word of this to anyone as you could cost this man his job and he's done nothing wrong!!

ilovesooty · 16/03/2014 10:53

And we'll said icimoi

I loathe the term PC which ime is used mostly by people who sneer at rational and decent behaviour and want to justify bigotry.

ilovesooty · 16/03/2014 10:57

Well said I mean.

I hope if this is real the OP is told to remove her children. I feel sorry for the sons and husband of someone expressing views like that.

And having met kim I can't express my disgust for those parents and headteachers who've hindered the career of a fine teacher and person.

squishysquirmy · 16/03/2014 11:09

YABVVVVU, and sexist.

Fusedog · 16/03/2014 11:10

If you don't trust men around small children I presume you supervise your husband at all times around your child Hmm

ilovesooty · 16/03/2014 11:22

As for the OP 's comment about someone
finding and looking after her son for a few minutes if he'd gone missing in a shopping centre I'm beyond shocked. Surely if you were reunited with a lost child in those circumstances you wouldn't be pondering the gender of the rescuer.

AmysTiara · 16/03/2014 11:48

Awful attitude op. Google Vanessa George then bang on about preferring women in a nursery

Perfectlypurple · 16/03/2014 11:53

Come on - the op has accepted she is bu. There is no need to keep slating her.

Impatientismymiddlename · 16/03/2014 11:54

my son had a male worker when he was at nursery, he was without doubt the best member of staff in that room. It didn't even occur that I should have been suspicious and felt uneasy because he was a man; but I like to think that I am usually rational. We need more men in nurseries and child care.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 16/03/2014 11:56

There is a male NN at my DS's nursery and they all love him. YABVVVU.

I'm a nurse and work with kids and have plenty of male nurse colleagues. Would you not let them look after your child? What about male doctors or teachers? My DH also is a hcp, would you refuse his treatment because he's male?

Your attitude quite frankly needs changing as it makes me angry. No wonder men are put off working with kids with prejudices like yours.

I wouldn't want my friends looking after your child.

ilovesooty · 16/03/2014 11:58

Her thread title said "Even if IABU" then she wanted to know if she was ok to act on her "gut instinct". I think it's perfectly reasonable for people to continue to say what they think of this kind of bigotry and to go on challenging it.

Perfectlypurple · 16/03/2014 12:00

But later in the thread she says she needs to reevaluate her thinking. I doubt she will be back now. There's no point carrying on challenging it when she has admitted she needs to re think.

RuddyDuck · 16/03/2014 12:01

This reminds me of a situation I found myself in about 20 years ago, where I came across a toddler wandering alone by the side of a country lane ( no pavement, road was nsl). . I stopped the car, hunted around, decided she must have wandered out of the woods by the road and set off to find her parents, carrying the the child because that was quicker. Came across a very distraught mother within a couple of minutes, child reunited, no harm done.

When I told this story to work colleagues the next day, all the men said they wouldn't have stopped or tried to help the child in case someone thought they were abducting her. Shock I explained she stood a very high chance of being run over but they were adamant they wouldn't risk it because people might jump to the wrong conclusion. I thought that was appalling, but I guess my male colleagues had in mind attitudes like the OP.

TiggyCBE · 16/03/2014 12:05

Cooperative childcare are trying to get 10% of their workforce to be male by autumn. Not sure how they can do that, but it's an interesting aim. Watch the little film at the bottom.

Oodfanjo · 16/03/2014 12:07

Haven't read all the posts but why are they there on a Sunday? Hmm

Groovee · 16/03/2014 12:10

I need to ask OP, having not met the male nursery worker, why do you have a horrible gut feeling about it despite having not even been in the same room as him or being introduced?

I'm an early years practitioner and have worked with some fantastic male staff, they are always understanding to the needs of the child. Unlike some females who I wonder why are doing this job or why they considered they were suitable!

I've only once had a gut feeling from originally an email and the wording and then the actual person. I felt he couldn't be trusted and sure enough, he was found out to be defrauding and went on to do it to 2 more sets of groups because they wouldn't listen to the chairman of our group.

Perfectlypurple · 16/03/2014 12:10

If you read the thread you will see the op isn't in the uk