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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let dh look at sil wedding photos?

143 replies

Edenviolet · 15/03/2014 13:01

Dh sister got married recently. Today mil gave us the photo book to look at but...

I have always had a huge phobia of having my picture taken, even as a child I hated it and I always avoid it. I hate how I look and especially how I look in photos.
A the wedding I avoided all except one picture and even then sil had to beg me to be in it. Obviously being nervous it wasn't a good photo and its in the book.
I had a look before dh and I just can't let him see it. I'm embarrassed enough having seen it myself. One wrong comment from him or laugh in a jokey way and it'll destroy me. I hate the way I look that much.

He asked to see them and I said no and I've hidden the book. I feel horrible. Maybe I should cover that page and sit with him so he can see the rest as dcs look lovely? I feel completely mad and really unhappy

OP posts:

trufflehunterthebadger · 17/03/2014 01:02

But it's much deeper than the photographs isn't it. The fear of having your photograph is almost like a symptom of a bigger problem. You can get help, therapy will help you in ways you would never have thought of.

SallyMcgally · 17/03/2014 01:48

If it makes you feel better OP we had to cut my head out of all pictures with newly borns as I looked so hideous. I wish I was joking.
That said, you need counselling. It's not fair on your family not to take it, and ridiculous at age of 32 to say you can't change. You may never feel comfortable with having your photo taken - lots of people don't - but you will learn ways of coping with the crippling irrationality that you're suffering from. You deserve to feel better than this, and your family deserve it too.

MistressDeeCee · 17/03/2014 01:49

Counselling won't help, not being me would

So basically - you want to wallow. & it doesn't matter how your DH or DCs feel about you never taking photos with them. Its all about you.

It must be horrible to feel as you do. I can't imagine it. But to blatantly say you won't seek help, which is what you are saying with 'counselling won't help' is very insular.

Hopefully your DH will find his DSis album & look at it anyway. Its a memento of his DSis special day. Life isnt all about you.

frumpet · 17/03/2014 08:18

OP yanbu to feel the way you do , but it would be unreasonable for you to go on thinking that it can never change .
As many others have said , you can do something about this , something that will make you feel better about yourself . Surely that is worth a try ?

Cyclebump · 17/03/2014 08:44

I can completely sympathise, I too have this phobia. However, they're wedding photos. I'd sugges letting him look while you're out of the house and asking him not o comment. Surely he knows about your feelings and will be willing to keep schtum?

Blithereens · 17/03/2014 08:49

Sweetheart, you probably feel like counselling won't help because you've felt like this for so long that you simply can't imagine not feeling like it.

I strongly urge you to try it. It can help in lots of ways. Considering all the limitations this phobia is putting on you, I think it's at least worth a try.

Bulldozers · 17/03/2014 09:09

I've not read all the responses but like you I have an issue with photos.

I've relaxed a bit now but still find it difficult.

With DH we take selfies and make a joke of it. I know we can delete it if it's terrible. Digital cameras are the best! We've managed to get some nice ones because we relax.

One thing that helped me is realising like you do that you look awkward because you feel awkward so I just take a deep breath and try to relax. Reminding myself I'll only look worse if I'm apprehensive. Does that make sense?

There are very few photos of myself and my daughter. I know I'll regret it one day.

I know this doesn't help with your current situation. I think you need to let your DH see the photos. Trust him. If need be let him look alone.

Good luck.

Bitofkipper · 17/03/2014 09:30

I dread having photos taken and the worry is even worse now because people take lots of silent pictures on phones and tablets that you are unaware of, especially at family gatherings. I was looking at DH's camera recently and there was one of me on there that I didn't know he had taken; I deleted it and said nothing.
One thing I have realised though is that making a fuss is counter productive. I say nothing and people don't single me out for attention.
People really are only interested in pictures of themselves and their children; they don't care if you look rubbish.

SarahAndFuck · 17/03/2014 09:33

Why would he make a wrong comment or laugh if he knows how strongly you feel about the way you look in photographs?

Is he not very understanding of your feelings or does he think that he can 'jolly' you out of them, so to speak?

glasgowsteven · 17/03/2014 12:00

This is beyond belief.

No passport - no driving licence if you were to move house (assuming you had a paper licence 15 years ago and have not moved since).

Serious help needed.

What about when your kids get married, photo of the happy couple and 4 parents...

Sorry my mum wont, she is selfish

limitedperiodonly · 17/03/2014 12:02

Sorry my mum wont, she is selfish

And that's unkind

Sicaq · 17/03/2014 12:52

You DO look the way you do in pics and do you know what - that's ok!

My recent passport pic looks so little like me that it has actually caused me to be stopped at airports. I have other photos where friends have not been able to recognise me. Pictures can be nothing like reality for some people.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 17/03/2014 21:08

Oh op, I hope you are ok. Some of these replies are cutting and cruel. A serious failure in empathy and an interpretation of AIBU as 'please feel free to be unpleasant'

charitygirl · 17/03/2014 21:16

OP - you have ONE life to live. A cliche, but true. You say 'not being me would help'. You don't have that option, so try counselling instead.

ilovesooty · 17/03/2014 21:24

I also think one or two posters have had an empathy bypass here. I don't see how calling the OP selfish is going to help. I hope you can focus on the positive support here-it's a much bigger issue for you than the photos themselves. Please do ask your GP about referring you for appropriate interventions.

TalkinPeace · 17/03/2014 21:24

OP
you need counselling.

I look shit in photos : I am spectacularly un photogenic - I do not like having my picture taken (profile pics are great as I get to blank my face out)
but I do not stop others looking at pictures of me
that would be loopy

why should you husband and kids not be allowed to have pictures of you?

FabBakerGirl · 17/03/2014 21:25

It is never too late to make your life better.

Original poster

Edenviolet · 17/03/2014 21:55

I have very occasionally taken a photo of myself and been horrified as I feel that I look hideous. I didn't mean that I wouldn't try counselling just that I couldn't imagine it working as I simply can't imagine ever feeling old about myself.

Re the passport issue, if I'm honest even if I won a holiday I doubt I'd go even if I managed to get a passport done as I have other anxiety issues and I don't think I'd be able to. Dh and I used to plan that one day we would go on a holiday as we didnt get a honeymoon but when dd2 got ill we realised nobody would look after dcs so we would never get to go anyway. I'm living a life day in day out where all I see is danger and risks so I never do much its pathetic

Dh saw the album but I covered the picture with me in so at least he saw the rest he said he just wanted to see the dcs as they'd been bridesmaids/pageboys.

OP posts:

Original poster

Edenviolet · 17/03/2014 21:55

Good not old

OP posts:

Littlefish · 17/03/2014 22:44

Please speak to someone in rl about accessing counselling. You sound depressed.

Devora · 17/03/2014 22:56

Hedgehog, I'm really sorry you've had unpleasant responses on this thread. You are not dramatic or selfish - you have a disorder that needs treatment. www.nhs.uk/conditions/body-dysmorphia/Pages/Introduction.aspx

Please, please seek help. I gave away far too much of my life to anorexia, and the sheer relief of being free to get on with being a human being makes all the hard work of recovery worthwhile. Best of luck to you.

limitedperiodonly · 17/03/2014 23:12

I'm glad you showed him the album in the end.

I'm still not as convinced as other posters that you were depriving him though. That was every bit as overdramatic as they were accusing you of being.

As I said, IME men aren't interested in wedding photos. Actually, lots of us women aren't interested either. I married in 1992. I haven't looked at my photos since and they're still not in an album.

But please do try and seek help because this is something that's spoiling your life and it really shouldn't.

EeeIcouldCrushAGrape · 17/03/2014 23:23

Reading your posts, I do think you sound like you could do with some sort of counselling.
This coming from someone who absolutely HATES having their photo taken, and always has done.
Seriously now, I can probably count on one hand the amount of photos I've had taken of myself over the past few years.
I'm not photogenic, and cringe like mad when I see myself. When the camera does point at me I either tense up or pull silly faces.
To deny your husband the chance to see photos of his sister getting married though? That's extreme and not a normal reaction.
He sees you every day in the flesh, he knows what you look like unless you go around with the lights switched out and a bag permanently over your head

EugenesAxe · 17/03/2014 23:24

Honestly it does seem like counselling would benefit you - even if if wouldn't cure your phobia, it would hopefully halt the severe self-worth issues you have.

Don't bite my head off for this, but didn't you post a fairly heartbreaking account of your son's sensitivities the other day? I'm now wondering if there isn't some genetic factor affecting you both... or if your problems are due to your mum, whether yours are now somehow projecting to him? Like I say if it was you please don't take this the wrong way; I was upset to read of those problems and I'm the same with this post. I hope you can start to respect yourself again soon - I would second talking to your GP.

AlansLeftMoob · 17/03/2014 23:31

YABU he sees you every day of the week, FFS.

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