I hate having my photo taken, not the same extent that you do but I ALWAYS look appalling in photos, although I do have a few coping mechanisms which might just help:
Pay attention to how you look at photos of your friends and loved ones. Do you search for flaws, or do you look more at the scene and the setting and notice the emotions or relationships involved? I do, and I realised that I couldn't have told you how x had their hair or what y was wearing when looking at most photos, as that isn't as important as whether they look like they're having fun, or deeply in love, or about to wet themselves laughing.
Be aware that everybody is looking at themselves in photos - if you are in a photo, you are going to look at yourself about 8000 times more than anyone else will. People will look at themselves with the same critical eye that you use (although not as critical for most other people) for yourself, but they won't look at you like that.
The last thing I find helps me to get my slight photo phobia into perspective is that I find that you draw much more attention to what you look like by making a fuss. Insisting that nobody takes any photos, moaning about photos and pointing out all your flaws is a sure-fire way to make people scrutinise your appearance even if they don't mean to - if it helps to think of it like that, then reminding yourself that you are giving people a reason to check the photo for flaws etc by making it the focus of their attention as much as it is yours.
I know that these are simplistic, and your phobia seems a lot more serious than I would imagine can be cured by thinking positively, but if any of the above even begins to sound logical or even vaguely makes sense to you on any level then I'm glad to have helped.
I hope you have some success seeking support for dealing with this - it is obviously having a detrimental effect on your life as well as those of your family and friends.