To not let dh look at sil wedding photos?

[Edenviolet]

Dh sister got married recently. Today mil gave us the photo book to look at but...

I have always had a huge phobia of having my picture taken, even as a child I hated it and I always avoid it. I hate how I look and especially how I look in photos.
A the wedding I avoided all except one picture and even then sil had to beg me to be in it. Obviously being nervous it wasn't a good photo and its in the book.
I had a look before dh and I just can't let him see it. I'm embarrassed enough having seen it myself. One wrong comment from him or laugh in a jokey way and it'll destroy me. I hate the way I look that much.

He asked to see them and I said no and I've hidden the book. I feel horrible. Maybe I should cover that page and sit with him so he can see the rest as dcs look lovely? I feel completely mad and really unhappy

Dont be disingenuous MyNameisKenAdams - you said 'bloody dramatic' - which is rude and insulting. The Op's distress was obvious in her first post - you may then have backtracked when you saw that your opinion wasn't the majority one, I don't know and I don't care, I'm not going to derail the OP's thread by turning it into an argument with you.
What you should be ashamed of is your callous and unkind response to OP's first post. The fact that you need telling is in itself, telling.

Even on my Facebook page there are no pictures of me just the dcs. I just can't do it. The photos taken at my wedding caused me so much anguish it was the one part of the day I dreaded most.
I know this is far from normal and I hate feeling this way.

Good idea to cover the page and let him see the rest. Maybe you'll feel brave enough to let him look at you. Maybe not. You're worrying over nothing but I do understand.

If it's any consolation, you're way more reasonable than my SIL. She also hates photos of herself but unlike you, didn't avoid them at my wedding. She posed for quite a few family pictures.

Luckily she'd let slip in the past that she always destroyed pictures she didn't like - a holiday got cancelled because she hated all her passport photos so much she ran out of time - so when she asked to see my album I ignored her.

Then she asked my mum to get it for her saying my brother really, really wanted to see his little sister's big day and was upset at not seeing them. Bollocks. He's not at all interested in things like that. She was trying to guilt-trip my mum into wheedling the photos out of me.

So then I had my mum on my back for a while. She knew what SIL was like but kept saying: 'It means so much to your brother. I'm sure he wouldn't let her tear them up'. My mum liked to think the best of people

The daft thing is that SIL is good looking and is a nice woman too - which I'm sure you are too. She wouldn't dream of destroying anything else of mine or anyone else's. She's just really funny over photos.

It's hard when you feel unusually anxious about something and people just say 'get over it'.

Do your photos look like you?

No? Some people just aren't photogenic. But I can guarantee that for every beautiful, stunning selfie you see online, there's 10 photos been sent to the recycle bin!

Yes? Your husband loves you and married you and he will think you're beautiful.

This isn't about the photos though, it's sounds as if your self esteem is quite low. Please try to work on loving and respecting yourself.

If your DH is anything like mine he won't even want to look at wedding photos. My DH refuses to look at photos.

It is really quite sad that something you could have got help with years ago has stopped you having pictures taken with your children.

Do you judge other peoples photos if they don't look great? You probably don't give it a second thought.

Please try and get help, at the moment by not getting help I am afraid you seem a bit selfish. Not letting your husband see his own sisters wedding album- you must surely know this is wrong. Plus your family can never go abroad because of a photo? You need to get over this for you and your family.

And to try and put things into perspective, my dad had major surgery on his face due to cancer, lost half his jaw, his cheekbone and an eye, and he still managed a smile on photos with my mum.

You are not some three headed monster, you have a lack of confidence. It is something that CAN be controlled and cured. You shouldnt waste so many opportunities in life because of this.

You poor thing. :(

But the reason you feel like this is not how you look. Lots of ugly people have photos taken and are okay with it. The reason you feel like this is your phobia, and that can be fixed. Counselling might well help you, and think how freeing it would be if it worked and you felt comfortable with people looking at you. Imagine the relief of not having to spend so much energy avoiding being looked at. Worth a try yes? :)

In the meantime the post it note sounds like a good idea. Good luck OP.

I am really awful in photos too. I have about 3 from the last 10 years, and hardly any with my children

However, I have had to provide one for a work thing. I took about 250 with the front facing camera on my phone. That's helped me practise what face to 'pull' etc. Give it a go when no-one is in the house.

I don't look like me at all in pictures, I look awkward and weird because I'm so nervous having them done.

Once or twice I've been in the background in a photo so unaware and those ones oddly are not as bad. It isn't just photos though. On bad days (like today) I hate dh looking at me, I feel anxious and just want to hide away.

Hedgeheg, can I share a story with you?

I understand completely how you feel. I do not like the way I look and having photos taken fills me with horror and dread. I try to avoid it as much as possible and as a result there are only a handful of photos of me with my Dd and with my Dh, Dd and my-self.

How I regret this now. I have a life limiting illness and who knows how much time I have left. My beautiful 7 year old Dd will have only a few photographs to look at to remember me. In time her memories of me will fade and she will struggle to picture me in her mind so will turn to a photograph of which there are so few. This fills me with sadness and it will fill her with sadness too.

Please get some help, not only for your-self but for your family too. Some-times we have to put our feelings aside to give to others and make them happy.

I think something you need to make peace with.... You DO look the way you do in pics and do you know what - that's ok!

You need support and kindness I hope you are getting that from your DH -does he realise how deeply you feel about this?

The thread's moved on since I wrote that epic. I completely understand the passport thing because my SIL missed out on a holiday. She does have a passport now. The picture was professionally done. Expensive, but it was worth it because they can go away now.

Also, it is a bit dramatic to suggest you're depriving your DH of the chance to see his sister's wedding. I have no idea what his feelings are, it's just that IME my brother, like most men I suspect, CBA. It could well be a ploy by you MIL to make you 'confront' your issue - well-meaning, or otherwise.

FWIW there are very few photos of me before about 25 when I met DH. We just weren't a very snap-happy family.

It would be nice to have some pictures of me growing up and to remember my parents by. I do have some of my mum, who was camera-shy, and I'm glad of them. But looking at pictures of her isn't the same as having her around so the fact that there are no photos isn't going to ruin your children's lives.

The fact that their poor mum is so unhappy with her appearance might spoil things for them though. I don't have any better advice than the posters who've suggested counselling. I'm sure it would help. I hope so

As your metal health problem is now impacting upon not only your life, but also on all those you have around you who love you, your owe it to them, as well as yourself to go and get some help.

I feel so guilty and unhappy, itsallabout I'm so sorry you feel the same way about photos and what you posted made me cry, I was so wrapped up in myself and I'm so sorry you are unwell.

It also made me realise that I think nobody would want to look at a picture of me, even my own dcs and I realise that is not a normal way to think but the fact I detest myself so much that I believe my own dh and dcs would not want to remember me makes me realise what a huge problem I have.

You really do need to seek professional help. If only to help you not pass this phobia/paranoia/obsession on to your children.

Itsallabout Try not to regret it. It's a shame but what's done is done. Whenever I think like that I try to think about the billions of people who lost loved ones before cameras were even dreamed of. Or the ones who couldn't afford photos.

They didn't love any the less. I know that's not exactly what you're saying but your daughter will have your things and memories and the memories of others.

Apologies if somebody has already said this Hedgehog80, but this sounds like a known phobia, eisoptrophobia.

As far as I know, it can affect people in different way and to different degrees. Some people cannot bear to see their own reflection, may have no mirrors in the house, and may even take unreasonable steps to avoid catching a glimpse of themselves in a shop window, for example. Others cannot bear to see photographs or other images of themselves, and for some this may extend to family and friends seeing their image (although I do think I've read that some sufferers don't care if total strangers see their image). Some a bit of both.
For some people the phobia may simply be a mild nuisance, but it can exists at different levels and, at the other end of the scale, it can be a really debilitating condition.

So, as I say, it affect people in different way and to different degrees, but (I have read) in all cases it is thought to be caused by insecurity and low self-esteem, possibly in general and/or with trigger episodes.

I hope it help to know that this is real Hedgehog80 and I would urge you to ask your GP for a referral for appropriate counselling.

I can relate to this. I used to avoid all mirrors, and even if I knew they were there, just pretended they weren't. At home, when I was in the bathroom, I would drape towels over the mirrors.

Same with photos. My mum actually returned a school photo once as I looked so awful in it. I had very bad skin then, and crooked teeth (still have the crooked teeth, so never smile).

A friend (with whom I wasn't getting on with that well), dumped me because I looked so miserable in her wedding photos, so she reasoned that I must hate her and not be happy for her (she actually sent me an email saying this), I was devastated, as it just confirmed what I thought about myself in pictures.

I only allow them now for the sake of the DCs and my brother did say once that having my photo taken wasn't just about me, other people wanted to have a photo of me, so I relent, reluctantly.

Adish You have just described me!!!!! very helpful to the OP.

Itsallabout wrote what I was coming here to write. I am that kid who doesn't have photos of her family. I wish so much that there were photos. I understand that this is not just a normal dislike of getting your photo taken, but please get help so that your children will be able to remember their childhood and their mum when you are gone.

Hedgehog, I'm sorry if I upset you, it wasn't my intention. Your crying made me cry.
Don't feel guilt. You have recognised that the way you feel isn't normal and it makes you unhappy. You have the power to change it now. It is never too late.

If I knew how to, I would put a photo of my Dd and myself up on here if it would help to give you the courage to move forward.

Limited. Thank you for the comforting words.

Oh OP this is so sad. No one should dislike theirselves that much! No one would look at you and thing anything other than you are just you!! I don't photograph well but I think everyone dislikes their own photographs to some extent.

I think you sound a little like you might have BDD

I really think you should visit your go because it's a form of anxiety and you can get help. But please don't worry.

Sorry to hear about what you've been through, cerealqueen.

One of the (many) tough bits that I keep reading about this condition is that people, often friends and family who would otherwise be a sufferers support group, do not give it any credence.

I gather common responses include things like
'oh I know what you mean, I looked so bad in my graduation/whatever photos, I had to have them redone!'
or
'oh I know what you mean, I can't bear to look in the mirror while I've got this huge spot!'
or even worse
'oh get over yourself, you're spoiling things for your family!'

Eisoptrophobia is a real debilitating condition. People wouldn't tell someone whose life was being wrecked by with agoraphobia to 'get over themselves'.