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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New Baby Visitation

27 replies

Sauu9123 · 14/03/2014 23:07

My DH and I have a three week old DD. Next weekend relatives of my DH are visiting. They are a very sullen family and easily offended. What is the minimum amount of time I can invite them for and AIBU if I ask them to leave when their time is up? How should I phrase both requests? I am dreading next weekend and I would really appreciate any advice.

OP posts:
HadABadDay2014 · 14/03/2014 23:11

If they are going to be offended and I will be walking on egg shells then nip it in the bud, say they are not welcomed.

mymiraclebubba · 14/03/2014 23:13

Can you meet them outside your home so you can say dd needs a nap we will have to go when you have had enough?

HadABadDay2014 · 14/03/2014 23:15

Mymiraclebubba I know you are trying to help, just don't pander to the needs of fuckwit adults who rather there own needs comes before a new mothers rest.

MamaLazarou · 14/03/2014 23:16

I'd say enough time for them to drink a cup of tea, maybe two. Disappear off for a nap with the baby when you've had enough?

mymiraclebubba · 14/03/2014 23:22

badday how very rude you are! It is a perfectly legitimate suggestion to avoid offending anyone. I very much get the new mum's rest as I have a 7mo and had no end of visitors the day I came out of hospital.

GertTheFlirt · 14/03/2014 23:33

Next weekend relatives of my DH are visiting. They are a very sullen family and easily offended

Define relatives. Mother? Father? grandparents? siblings? aunt & uncle? cousins?

What is the minimum amount of time I can invite them for and AIBU if I ask them to leave when their time is up?

What is the journey time? Mode of transport? how emotionally close are they to your husband?

How should I phrase both requests?

You don't - your husband does

CoffeeTea103 · 14/03/2014 23:47

Unfortunately it would be extremely rude for you to ask them to leave or give them a time limit. I second meeting them outside the home. Or if you would rather not deal with them right now, arrange for another time.

EurotrashGirl · 14/03/2014 23:54

With a new baby, about 30 minutes Grin

HadABadDay2014 · 14/03/2014 23:54

Why is it rude to say I'm tired now thank you for coming but I need my rest.

If this was a person with cancer or any other medical condition where someone needed rest, would they be offended.

I think it is rude to stay more than 20-30 minutes max when a new mum needs to rest and learn how to be a mum.

Joysmum · 15/03/2014 08:10

Your DH should be the host. It's up to him to set the groundwork and say to his relatives how the day will be in advance. You should also have a get out plan for if you've had enough and can't manage what was pre agreed so you can escape.

mymiraclebubba · 15/03/2014 09:08

Your comments to me were rude badday

As others have said it is her dh who should discuss with his relatives or meet them outside the home.

They are excited to meet the baby and you are bring very uncharitable OP, how would you feel if your dh was making your family so unwelcome?

CoffeeTea103 · 15/03/2014 09:11

I agree with mymiracle. It's extremely rude to treat people that way in your home(asking them to leave).
I would just grin and bear it.

LittleBearPad · 15/03/2014 09:13

Badday wasn't rude. Do get a grip.

A time equal to the time it has taken them to get to you.

DH is responsible for entertaining them and looking after you.

harriet247 · 15/03/2014 09:24

2 hours is very reasonable. I agree with disappearing upstairs after then 'thankyou so much for coming but im so tired and this one needs a little rest so hopefully we can see you again in a few weeks?' Up the stairs and let dh do the rest ;)

LolaDontCryOnDogTails · 15/03/2014 09:29

Really having a 3 week old is the equivalent to cancer ??
Look Op I'd meet up elsewhere go home when you fancy it.

If they make you feel uncomfortable then chat with DP but I'm guessing they want to come and see your baby give you a few gifts coo for a bit and tell you how gorgeous your snuffly newborn is.

Hey, I never really got the whole pushing people away just after having a baby that folk on here prescribe, And we invited people to come and stare at our squishy masterpieces.

Shellywelly1973 · 15/03/2014 09:37

The comparison of having a 3 week old baby to cancer, is ridiculous!!

Ask your dh to sort the details - they are his relatives.

Don't stress about it, it's not worth it!

CountessOfRule · 15/03/2014 09:51

I had very few visitors in the early days, but all family and all exhausting. Just having to be "on".

If it's within the first week, sit with them for up to half an hour, then go to bed leaving DH to entertain them, keeping baby with him. The chances are only slight that they want to see you so don't give more of yourself than you'd want to. If you are bf and baby needs feeding, DH can deliver.

Original poster
Sauu9123 · 16/03/2014 08:45

It's has aunt, uncle and cousins. It's a two hour drive but I don't see how that it is relevant as they invited themselves! DH feels the same as we are both exhausted.

OP posts:
AtYourCervix · 16/03/2014 08:48

Would you like a cup of tea before you leave?

Lovely to see you, We need to go and sleep now as we are exhausted. Bye.

coolcookie · 16/03/2014 08:53

2 hours seems reasonable. You can always disappear upstairs to feed baby and rest whilst your dh entertains them.

Nanny0gg · 16/03/2014 08:57

And if you follow the advice on here, don't be surprised if they're offended.

Aren't you pleased that they want to meet your new DC? It's not as if they turned up at the hospital straight after the birth!

If it's within the first week, sit with them for up to half an hour, then go to bed

The baby will be a month old.

coolcookie · 16/03/2014 09:07

Yes nanny good point. With my 3rd child I had very few visitors and would have loved more.

fuckwittery · 16/03/2014 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Sauu9123 · 16/03/2014 11:07

I am quite pleased they are coming although we implied that this weekend is inconvenient (lots of other visitors) and they chose to come anyway....

OP posts:
LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 16/03/2014 12:41

If this weekend is inconvenient ring them and say "Sorry something has come up, but we would love to see you on xxxx if you could make it."
If this weekend is manageable, I would suggest a pub lunch to make the most of the good weather (keep uncomfortable chat to a minimum Wink ). That allows you to say as soon as the meal is over "well we best be getting home, Baby needs a bath / bed / feed. Thank you so much for visiting us. Hope we can do it again another day." then leave.
But I have to say you may be pleasantly surprised, when DH family came to visit unannounced when DD was just 4 days old I was worried about how long they would stay etc.
Turns out they came to make me a cuppa, have a very quick little cuddle of DD, bring a lovely gift, make all the right noises (oh what a beautiful girl, lovely name etc) and then said "Lovely to see you all, but we will leave you to have a nap. Sleep when the baby sleeps, that's the best advice I can give you!" And off they went, after visiting for about 20 minutes.

So try not to panic too much, they may be really lovely when they come. But if it is getting too much just say "Sorry I am so tired, would you mind if we meet up in a few weeks when baby is sleeping more."