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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm in no way perfect ; but am a bit .... Re friend

92 replies

sugar4eva · 13/03/2014 18:18

Friend has only child . Oft eat s with her dh in back room and dd eats in other room. Have own adult room in house for space. Have left dd asleep gone out . Very posh . Very we need our time, in need to understand d this . Struggling.

OP posts:
bellablot · 13/03/2014 20:02

Wtf is the point of this, I can't do no sentences, I'm outta here!

Original poster
sugar4eva · 13/03/2014 20:03

Dear ; thanks for post . Yes I feel distressed I didn't realise how much hence odd telegram type post ! Thanks again.

OP posts:
TantrumsAndBalloons · 13/03/2014 20:04

sugar there's nothing you can do to change her past.
I would imagine you tried at the time but that is the past now.

What you can do is give her lots of support now, be there for her and help her get through this.

littlewhitebag · 13/03/2014 20:04

Emotional abuse is very difficult to prove but it is insidious and can have long lasting effects. It is also very prevalent in well off, middle class families. The children are well dressed and provided for but there is no emotional warmth. Sounds like a classic case.

Pagwatch · 13/03/2014 20:04

If you can't read wha the OP is saying then why not just fuck off rather than post the tedious variations on 'I can't read that'

TantrumsAndBalloons · 13/03/2014 20:06

Honestly, what's the point of going on and on about the ops writing?

If you can't read it, close the fucking thread and move on.

The OP is clearly upset by this situation. But hey, don't let that get in the way of a nice little bitch about the correct construction of sentences.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 13/03/2014 20:07

X posts pag.

You said exactly what I was thinking. Grin

Original poster
sugar4eva · 13/03/2014 20:08

Little and P a g thankyou so much for yr posts .

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 13/03/2014 20:17

You are welcome Tantrums. I'm like a mind reader.Grin

Sugar4eva
The thing is to be a friend to her now. As she gets older she might see, as my DH did, that her home life was odd and her parents chose that.

Original poster
sugar4eva · 13/03/2014 20:30

ThAnks p. ag I will . Famy therapy will so happen via unit .

OP posts:
Dilidali · 13/03/2014 20:44

Hey sugar, let me see if I got this right: a teen you know has had a massive breakdown and is now being looked after in a unit. You knew something was not quite right at home (child eating separately, being left overnight etc) and now this has happened you feel guilty for not flagging this up earlier. Did i get this right?

I've seen other posts of yours before, it is not like you, you 'sound' terribly distressed. Have a glass of water, try and breathe slowly. I'm listening if you want to talk.

eddielizzard · 13/03/2014 21:02

well so you have tried with the child, and you tried to talk to the mother. i guess it's all come to a head and it does sound to me like the mum was isolating the child. also sounds like she didn't want to be a parent. poor girl - she's had to pay for it.

i guess you could have it out with your friend but that will probably be the end of the friendship.

i think you have to decide what you want the outcome to be, and therefore how to handle it.

Original poster
sugar4eva · 13/03/2014 21:04

Dil thankyou. For years I have felt some discomfort . When I have tried to talk to friend as gently as possible she has got angry and said are you judging me? Friend has always wanted her space her time which I understand but I have felt child was isolated in the home somehow. Parents at school had in past said that child was a fashion accessory - their words - but it did seem to indicate some anger . Friend was oft say how many nights she had away. There have been many instances when I e felt in my gut that things were not right but things also felt very insidious . The child seemed to be very compartmentalised to me and much was about adults needs for time out, meditation and similar. It made me think when her sister said wdnt have the dd as she was always being asked to her have alongside other folk and it seemed to me that the adults needs- which we all have- were very much at the forefront. It seemed that the focus was meeting adult need . I do know that this may have been due to baggage that adults had. Often I got a feeling of sadness from the child but it was so hard to pin down . This a middle class family in caring professions and I found it so difficult especially in face of friends perhaps defensiveness as no one likes to feel judged. I have been astounded by some of the things such as leaving the dd alone at young age at night and being told it is me who was non trusting in the world and uptight for eg. I really hope things get addressed .

OP posts:
CalamityKate · 13/03/2014 21:06

Seriously. Is it that difficult to at least read a post through before pressing "Post"?

Pagwatch · 13/03/2014 21:09

God i know, Calamity.

How long does it take to think 'I could be a gratuitously rude twat or I could just not post' before hitting the button?

TantrumsAndBalloons · 13/03/2014 21:11

Seriously. Does acting like this towards someone who is clearly upset fill some part of you with joy?

You could do with reading your own post and thinking about it before pressing post.

Oh the irony.....

Pagwatch · 13/03/2014 21:13

There are some honest to God asshats on here.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 13/03/2014 21:15

Very helpful Calamity such productive advice Hmm

waltermittymissus · 13/03/2014 21:24

sugar the thing is that even if you had, say, reported this family to SS in the past I don't think they would have done anything.

A well cared for child (on the outside) in a clean home with food on the table and well adjusted parents. They probably wouldn't have done anything.

I understand you feel guilty but you really, really shouldn't. This was something beyond your control. What could you do? You tried to speak to the parents and were shot down.

It wasn't your place to interfere and you would have been told as much.

All you can do is try to be there as much as you can for this girl. Or is it boy?!

There's just nothing more you could have done.

CalamityKate · 13/03/2014 22:44

But people are trying to help!

They're asking for more information and clearly telling the OP that they're struggling with her posts, and she's even saying "yeah yeah I know I'm writing pretty illegibly" but they're still garbled!

She isn't exactly helping herself is she?!

FudgefaceMcZ · 13/03/2014 22:53

I would leave a 15yo at home while out for an evening. I wouldn't leave a 4yo (or even a 10yo- maybe for 10 mins but not an evening). You should maybe have said something at an age when it was problematic- you're going to look pretty silly now if you say they can't leave a teenager home while they go to the pub tbh.

steff13 · 13/03/2014 23:01

Love the new word I've learnt. "Discombobulated" What's it mean?

Confused, out of sorts.

Fecklessdizzy · 14/03/2014 00:28

Sugar She's going to need lots of support when she comes out so best not to fall out with her mum by telling her how useless she's been!

Main thing isn't to beat yourself up about what's gone by and can't be changed ... Think how you can help and support this poor kid now and in the future - Good luck!

theeternalstudent · 14/03/2014 00:29

Gosh Suger, it sounds like you were put in a really difficult situation and complicated even more by the fact that this was a middle class family. For some reason emotional abuse seems more easily explained and the effects minimalized.

You can't change the past suger, you can't change what's happened. Have a cup of tea and try to calm down. It's ok to feel sad about what's happened. It's a really difficult situation.

NoodleOodle · 14/03/2014 00:49

Some parents are weird! I have made an adult only space in my house now (my bedroom) since DD turned 13. Well, she's allowed in but only with permission. I do think space and adult only time is important but, it sounds like this family have taken it a bit far, and started way too early.

It's not your fault though, and you have done what you could. You didn't emotionally neglect this child, if anyone did it was their own two parents.

Agree with the advice already given; don't be critical to the parents, as that will get you shut out. Make offers directly to the child that you are there for them, as long as that's an offer you can realistically follow through with as it would be even worse to offer and then reject than to not offer at all.

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